More than a memory

 Kerr Bear,

I’m writing this while listening to ‘piña colada/escape’ so that I try to remember to be positive (and try to smile imagining you so happy singing it).  It’s hard… here are the truths:

You are gone.  Today makes 8 years.  Will never forget the day… dad called mac while I was on the phone with him.  I told him he should get it.  Mac called back - ‘where are you? I need to come get you.’ And then my hysterical crying.  Without knowing anything, I knew something.  The rest is history… a sucky history I replay.  I know some people get this more than others but I wish I could ‘groundhog day’ or ‘back to the future’ our lives.  Now knowing what November 21, 2014 was going to hold, could I go back in time to a date (1984 with Michael j fox??) and change something to alter your fate?  What I wouldn’t do to bring you back.. 

here’s what else I know:

- I miss you.  I miss you every day.  I told mac this morning … I don’t need today to remember you died 8 years ago.  I think about it every day.  Every time I knew I would’ve called you or still long to do so or every time I know I would’ve been doing what I’m doing but with you.  Lunches, holiday outings, phone call bitch fests.  The worst is when I do it alone - an outing or don’t even have the right one to call and bitch to.  Because the truth is… no one can replace you.  So today is not some ‘oh, right! She died!’ It’s just a greater gut punch. 

[ok now listening to Chicago’s greatest hits =P]

The list of what you’ve missed and what you continue to miss is endless, truly.  Because it’s in the mundane everyday and in the big things like Simon getting accepted to colleges, graduating high school, going to college, Issac getting into a scholars program at school, and coming up on his graduation, Andrew getting a job and being well loved in his office, Dakota’s 2nd birthday party.  It’s even in the sad things I’d want you around for - the hard days.  Saying goodbye to Leo, mom losing Rhoda, tough relationship moments, etc.  the list goes on…

Mom posted a poem that made me say ‘yup’:

I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new

I thought about you yesterday and the days before that too.

I think of you in silence, I often speak your name,

I hate that when I see you, it's a picture in a frame.

Your memory is a treasure, with which I'II never part

You will always be with me sister, I have you in my heart.

I wish you weren’t just a memory now…

Here’s how I try to find comfort in knowing you’re around in some way; that you’re more than just a memory:

- today Kenna and I hugged when she woke up.  For so long.  And I saw her face. She was just smiling contently.  She knew I needed it.  She hugs like you.  She never knew you but she loves with a giant heart like you.

- I got to wake up to Issac being home today.  3 pieces of you are with me.  They are 3 of my greatest gifts and joys.  

- you are with me always (while I still will always with that was more than just in my heart or a picture).  You’ve taught me so much of what I know and made me into so much of who I am today.  

I love you.

I wish I had my sister here.

But, of course, I will always treasure our 26 years together. I know I’ll also always wish we had and long for more.

Missing you today and always

XO

Are we doing ok?

 Kerry & Allan,

You have been on my minds more and more, all day.  Are the boys going to be ok?  Are we doing all we can to help them and be there for them?  In life…. 

Every day since Daniel passed, I think of him.  If that’s the case for me, then how are the boys doing?  If simon told his 17-year story to anyone random, they wouldn’t believe him.  It’s an unbelievable story of loss, but hopefully of loss and strength and perseverance and determination.  To fight in life for happiness and love.  He has committed to college, Issac is finishing Junior year, Andrew is an adult! Working through all it is to follow your passion, pay bills, and find joy in it all.  Life can be hard and sucky and unexplained.  They know that all too well, and at such a young age, but I hope they really know it can be special and great, too.

I am in Dakota’s room, doing my makeup for the day as she plays.  We are rocking out to Chicago and thinking of you two.  She even wanted to cuddle and rock.  When ‘if you leave me now’ ended, she clapped and then danced to ‘Saturday in the park’. You’ve got another Chicago fan, Allan!!  Certain songs just strike a cord.  Chicago and Bryan Adams, especially.  I can hear you singing in the car. Kerr.  I remember our babysitting drives home, Allan, when you’d drill who ‘Chicago’ was into my head.

Bottom line, I hope I’m doing it right.  What is right?  But I just want those boys to know they are unconditionally loved.  Forever and always.

Missing you both.  

XO

Some photos of your littlest Chicago fan on your page, Kerr

Issac Flecher (no T) Klein

Happy 21st birth-day of Issac, to you, Kerr!

I think it’s Jenna who was the first to ever wish me a happy birth-day.  Our kids’ birthdays are big days for us, too!  Special days.  I think 21 for each of your kids would’ve been your favorite to celebrate.  Because VEGAS BABY!  I think you would say Vegas was your favorite place to travel.  That and maybe a cruise/all-inclusive.  Sun, pool, restaurants, shows, spa… what more do you need :) well. We’re doing it.  Taking Andrew and Issac to your favorite place.  And we’re doing it right.  I made mom upgrade the hotel :) duh.  We’re having great dinners (thanks, Bub hahaha) I booked spa appointments for everyone. Now we just need you to make the weather better, and I promise, If those pools are busy, I’ll get us a cabana :)

Kerry.  I miss you.  Do you know how amazing Issac is?  Can you see him?  21 today.  21! 21?! I remember the day he was born.  Jordan and I playing with Andrew, teaching him to say ‘baby Issac’ (once we knew the name) baaaby IIIIssac.  I can still hear Andrew’s sweet little voice saying it.  Walking in to visit you.  My memory really is terrible, but I remember this.  I remember walking into the hospital room to see you and meet him.  

Issac is so freaking awesome.  He got all of your warmth, big heart, caring, putting others first ways (without the bitchy sass ha ha!) He’s just so smart. So kind. So humble. And so fun to celebrate. He’s crushing it at school.  I feel like he’s crushing it at life (I hope he feels that way, too).  

I can’t wait to see him today (and Andrew and Simon).  I say it every time, but I’m whole when they’re around. Your boys are my favorite.  

Here’s the biggest ask.  You and Allan better be sending Issac and Andrew your good casino juju.  We know you did for andrew’s Canada 18th :) 

Loving you.  Missing you.

More and more.

XO

46

 Happy 8th heavenly birthday, Kerr Bear.

46.  It’s funny to think you would’ve hated turning 46 because now, it’s just more obvious that aging is a gift.  That getting older is beautiful.  But you wouldn’t have liked being on the second 1/2 of 40.  You also would’ve been piiiised because it was a snowstorm last night (as most of your birthday celebrations were) so your dinner would’ve likely been changed/cancelled/etc.  

I miss you.  So so much. This holiday season was extra hard without you.  I needed my sister.  To be with me, always have my back, always bitch with me and let me bitch.  To be there to listen to my ups and downs, good moments and moments of anxiety.  There’s no one like you.  

Your kids are awesome.  Andrew comes home quite often.  The girls absolutely love when he comes home.  They play with him and watch horse racing with him.  Andrew has become a jockey agent in Louisville.  He’s so passionate, and I know that passion will always lead him to great happiness and success.

Issac was home for a bit over break and is now in Mexico with Allison and her family (yes, you and I are both jealous).  He’ll come back again this week and then go back to school.  He has a way of understanding my anxiety and saying exactly the right thing to calm me down, make me feel seen and loved.  He’s 20!  That’s insightful as hell (and most like you).  Wow!  

Simon is waiting on his last college letter to then make a decision.  We all chat in a group text every day which is how I try to keep up with him.  (He’s not my biggest fan.. so I don’t know all the ins and outs of his life.) Regardless, I try to keep updated with what’s going on as much as I can.  He’s doing soooo well at school (so smart and self motivated) and got to start bowling again!  He’s a captain!  Senior night should be this week - just waiting to hear which night.  I can’t believe he’s graduating this year!

Can you see it all?  

We love you and miss you.

Enjoy your birthday dinner, wherever you are.  Jealous you get a Bubby birthday cake.

XO

Me

World's Greatest Aunt

 Dear Kerr Bear,

Yes - I titled this letter World's Greatest Aunt, but no ... I don't mean me ;-P 

I mean you.  You would’ve been the worlds greatest aunt to my girls.  It’s just a fact, without a doubt.  I’ve been having an extra hard few weeks with the kind of stuff you just need your sister for.  My friends (thank G-d for them) reminded me you ARE the worlds greatest aunt and you are watching them.  I just wish I could witness you with them.  

I’ve been having these visions lately of you holding Dakota.  You are running your finger down her nose and then booping the tip of her nose with the tip of your finger (I can see your perfectly manicured hands so well… the polish is dark like LPAD) and she smiles so big.  It’s something that brings me so much warmth <3 maybe somehow she does know you.  I think she’d be your favorite.  It was her birthday on Thursday (as you know because it was also Andrews!!) and while it was so sweet and so special, it still was a hard day.  For many reasons.  But one of them was you.  On special, celebratory days, it’s extra obvious you’re not there.  I think about how we would’ve done the day differently had you been around.

You have been gone 7 years today.

Andrew is 23 now.  Issac is 20 now.  Simon is 17 now.

You have 5 nieces and 1 nephew you didn’t have prior.

You have a college graduate, 1 in college, and 1 college bound.

Sadly, Baileyboozle has passed.  Are you guys on the couch watching TV together? Or sun bathing together?

I say it often to you, but I just miss you so much.  I miss your hugs.  I miss our calls and texts.  I miss having that person… the one who just gets you and says the right things always.  I try not to stay in this place very long - the place where all I think about is what you’ve missed, what I’ve missed having you a part of, all the things the boys should’ve had you for (including just regular day-to-day life)… the pitiful place.

There’s a hole in my life; one you’re supposed to fill.  some days are easier.  I have our family and my amazing friends.  I have my girls.  But there are some days with that hole when I just keep falling into the pain of missing you.

Today we are celebrating Dakota’s 1st birthday.  It was a strange date to pick, but I had an event yesterday.  And … it’s not that I wouldn’t have noticed you were gone yesterday… so today we celebrate Dakota and miss you, all the same.  

I woke up today just as I have every anniversary year wanting to just sleep through it.  Every year I think… if I just don’t wake up today, maybe 11/21/14 wont happen.  I relive the details of the day, every year.  I can’t help it.  

I miss you.  I owe you an more upbeat life update.  Soon.

Send me a sign today. Maybe you already have … my girls are here.  Happy and healthy.

Love you. 

XO

Me

Are you watching?

 Kerr Bear (and Allan),

Simon’s in surgery right now as I type this.  I’m in the waiting room.  He told me I could write to you now.  He has a herniated disc (and stenosis and a curved spine and some other bad back nonsense).  He tried all options… this was inevitable and the only next step.  He has been in so much pain and can’t be himself.  And he’s 17.  It’s not right to have such problems so young  and it’s also so early to have surgery.  And you’re not here to guide him or care for him or help him make decisions.  Are you watching?  Are you making sure he’s okay?  Are you sending some kind of love and strength and healing?  I sure hope so.

I want him to be okay.

I want this surgery to help him.

 No… it’s not the end all be all fix, but I want it to give him his life back.

Since you can’t be here with him physically, please send all of the good vibes from up above.  Give him your big Kerry vanilla-scented hugs.

XO

Mother’s Day

 Kerr Bear,

I think this would’ve been your favorite Mother’s Day weekend yet.  You would’ve been out of town watching your first born graduate college!  Lots of restaurant reservations and celebrations.  How perfect!  I’m so proud of Andrew.  I know you are, too.

I think I’ve realized why I don’t like Mother’s Day.  So before you were gone, Mother’s Day was fine!  While Bubby was alive, we went out?? Is that right?  I think that was the one time of year Bubby liked eating out but after she passed, you’d host because mom didn’t like going out?  Maybe I’m totally screwing this up here.  Mom will have to tell me.  We used to go to the bagel in Old Orchard, right?  My memories suck but as I write this, some are coming back.

The thing is, I used to get really excited to celebrate YOU on Mother’s Day.  Being an Aunt has always been one of my favorite things to be.  Hands down.  You knew that.  Most people know that about me.  I became an Aunt because of YOU!  The best gift ever.  So I loved getting you a card to thank you for being a great mama to my nephews.

Today is just another one of those big days you’re not here for.  Another holiday I want to celebrate with you, but I can’t.  It’s another day my grief feels bigger.

Also this year, I just don’t feel like I deserve Mother’s Day.  Now let’s be honest, my 3 Mother’s Days have not been the pomp and circumstance that most expect.  Mac tries but he hates Hallmark holidays so he buys what I say I want and generally hates the pressure to make this day special (and remember my first Mother’s Day bwahahahah).  But truthfully, I feel like he deserves Mother’s Day & Father’s Day this year.  I’ve been falling short as a mom.  I’ve been so busy with work (yayy) and moody and impatient and it’s making me not the best mama.  Mac picks up where I leave off, everyday.  He’s the fun one.  The one with extra patience and cuddles.  Fishing, playing, make-believing etc etc etc.  He’s a saint and the most incredible guy.

I am grateful to be a mom.  So many today struggle because they are trying to become mamas or have lost babies and so much more.  After much effort, we got the big girls and then Dakota.  I’m so full of gratitude to have them.  But today just doesn’t feel like the super happy day everyone believes Mother’s Day to be.

I know you’d get it.

I wish we were chatting about this while getting pedicures and drinking Starbucks.

I love you.

I miss you.

Happy Mother’s Day to the best mama.

XO