Hey Kerr,
I'm in Charleston right now for jackies bachelorette party. We're staying on Isle of Palms. The house is insane and the sun is shining ... It's great!
I went for a walk this morning because I can't seem to shake my thoughts of you. Blogging helps.
I'm sitting on a nice sand pile by a pier watching the waves crash. As I walked out here I realized I was walking on a sandy path which was where waves were crashing against my feet yesterday afternoon. The tide hasn't come in yet. I say that phrase not really understanding it. I get tide rolls in and it rolls out, but what is that thing pulling all of the water to its center and what stops pulling and let's it go? I imagine the answer may be gravity and I know the answer could be found on google but like you say ... I don't really give a shit. The point is, it was cool to be in the same spot and have a different feeling. Yesterday was cold water against my legs and this morning was cold, hard sand.
As corny as it sounds, when I started analyzing the tide and trying to figure out the physical pull of it all without just turning to google, it made me think of human emotion. What is it that pulls all of our emotions to the center, to our heart, and keeps them wound tight and what is it that allows it to break free at times and let our emotions show? There are random times I feel completely introverted and others in which I'm ready to let it out, whether it is fun or sadness or happiness... What is it pulling and sending our emotional tides one way or another?
I've been thinking of you more than normal yesterday and today. There's 2 reasons... (1) because I'm surrounded by sisters. There are groupings of sisters on this weekend trip and it's a reminder of how lonely it is not to have you. How different and empty and half whole I feel. "You're never alone when you have a sister." It's probably some quote I've seen on Facebook but it's what I thought of on my morning walk. You wouldn't have been here this weekend, but I don't think I would've felt the same surrounded by sisters as I do. Call it jealousy or grief or reality but knowing you aren't here makes it hard to watch the bonds others have with their halves. I'm having a great time and the moments in which I feel that jealousy, grief, emptiness are different. You've been gone 11 months and as those moments occur in day to day life, I usually find them less dibilitating (right use of that word??). They become lingering thoughts and emotions but I usually don't have to leave the room anymore to cry or to get away. The reality you're no longer here becomes more and more real every day but the desire for you and need for you grows every day alongside that reality. (2) I've been thinking of you more than normal because when I go somewhere new, I tend to find myself wondering if you'd like it. Would you like this beach or hate it because it's hard. You never really liked beaches but I do think you'd like the sun chairs and pool. You'd love the house but hate that it's not a hotel cause if you're on vacation, why should you have to make your own bed, right? You would've loved the sushi we had last night ... That's not a question. Would the east coast be something you like or would you still rather be on your Arizona trip? I'm guessing Arizona.
I love you and miss you.
XO
You you always manage to capture what I feel. I wish I could take this pain away. Instead I will try and write what I think Kerry would say. "Why in the hell would you go to Charleston, to stay at a house, with no restaurants and a lobby. Why didn't you go to Vegas, where you could people watch, especially at the pool." Lol.
ReplyDeleteI know you will have fun. Kerry would certainly want you to. I know it's hard, but just think about what Kerry would say about things, and it will give you a smile. Love you, Mom