What can I say?

Dear Kerr,

All of the other times I've written to you, something happened to make me want to send you a letter.  Today, I knew I was going to write.  I'm not quite sure what to say today, though.  I wish I had an uplifting thought or phrase that inspired me today, the 1 year anniversary of your death, but I don't.  I'm not suddenly healed because I've made it through all of the firsts.  I don't believe you're in a better place nor do I believe there was some plan which decided November 21, 2014 was your day to go.  I don't find comfort in an abstract concept anymore.  All I can say, though, is that I'd like to.  I'd like to feel again, at some point, that even though it sucks you're gone and even though there is no rhyme or reason you're gone that you're okay ... that you can see what's going on down here ... I'm just not there yet.

I'm still in this place where I feel entirely, and completely, the large hole in my life which you're not there to fill.  I woke up today (well at 4 am and then again now ... I seem to be up at 4 am a lot lately ...) wondering if there will ever be a time I stop mentally labelling events "with Kerry" and "after Kerry"?

1 year ago today, my life changed forever. My world was turned upside down.  It's hard not to think of things, now, as "before this day" or "after".  You carried so much meaning in my life.  My thoughts, sometimes, weren't complete until you chimed in.  My decisions weren't finalized until approved by you.  Life is floating in some strange place waiting for you to come back to it and make everything right again.  The hard reality is that you're not coming back.

It's been a year, but I haven't made the full circle of grieving where I end in a place of acceptance and peace.  I'm still in a place of shock.  I still can't believe you're gone.  I still can't feel your presence around me.  I close my eyes and so badly wish I could feel you hug me again.  But I just don't feel it.  Seeing pictures of you used to bring comfort but now I find it weird that they're all so in the past; that these photos are are repeat.  Where are your new "I look good today" selfies?  Why aren't you in Erin and Lance's wedding photos?  Why aren't you in mine?

As hard as it is to celebrate occasions for the boys without you in them ... birthdays, graduations, good grades, jobs, job promotions, team wins, play opening nights and so much more ... it's those boys who make the gaping hole less empty.  Those boys are so incredible and it's all because of you.  You raised them well.  Their smiles, and even their grumpass frowns, make me feel better.  I feel more content in their presence.  Thank you for those kids.  They're my light & my life.

I miss you.  I miss what you brought to my life.  I miss having a sister.  I miss having you.

xoxo always,
ME