Dear Kerr,
All of the other times I've written to you, something happened to make me want to send you a letter. Today, I knew I was going to write. I'm not quite sure what to say today, though. I wish I had an uplifting thought or phrase that inspired me today, the 1 year anniversary of your death, but I don't. I'm not suddenly healed because I've made it through all of the firsts. I don't believe you're in a better place nor do I believe there was some plan which decided November 21, 2014 was your day to go. I don't find comfort in an abstract concept anymore. All I can say, though, is that I'd like to. I'd like to feel again, at some point, that even though it sucks you're gone and even though there is no rhyme or reason you're gone that you're okay ... that you can see what's going on down here ... I'm just not there yet.
I'm still in this place where I feel entirely, and completely, the large hole in my life which you're not there to fill. I woke up today (well at 4 am and then again now ... I seem to be up at 4 am a lot lately ...) wondering if there will ever be a time I stop mentally labelling events "with Kerry" and "after Kerry"?
1 year ago today, my life changed forever. My world was turned upside down. It's hard not to think of things, now, as "before this day" or "after". You carried so much meaning in my life. My thoughts, sometimes, weren't complete until you chimed in. My decisions weren't finalized until approved by you. Life is floating in some strange place waiting for you to come back to it and make everything right again. The hard reality is that you're not coming back.
It's been a year, but I haven't made the full circle of grieving where I end in a place of acceptance and peace. I'm still in a place of shock. I still can't believe you're gone. I still can't feel your presence around me. I close my eyes and so badly wish I could feel you hug me again. But I just don't feel it. Seeing pictures of you used to bring comfort but now I find it weird that they're all so in the past; that these photos are are repeat. Where are your new "I look good today" selfies? Why aren't you in Erin and Lance's wedding photos? Why aren't you in mine?
As hard as it is to celebrate occasions for the boys without you in them ... birthdays, graduations, good grades, jobs, job promotions, team wins, play opening nights and so much more ... it's those boys who make the gaping hole less empty. Those boys are so incredible and it's all because of you. You raised them well. Their smiles, and even their grumpass frowns, make me feel better. I feel more content in their presence. Thank you for those kids. They're my light & my life.
I miss you. I miss what you brought to my life. I miss having a sister. I miss having you.
xoxo always,
ME
Saturday, November 21, 2015
Friday, October 23, 2015
Tides
Hey Kerr,
I'm in Charleston right now for jackies bachelorette party. We're staying on Isle of Palms. The house is insane and the sun is shining ... It's great!
I went for a walk this morning because I can't seem to shake my thoughts of you. Blogging helps.
I'm sitting on a nice sand pile by a pier watching the waves crash. As I walked out here I realized I was walking on a sandy path which was where waves were crashing against my feet yesterday afternoon. The tide hasn't come in yet. I say that phrase not really understanding it. I get tide rolls in and it rolls out, but what is that thing pulling all of the water to its center and what stops pulling and let's it go? I imagine the answer may be gravity and I know the answer could be found on google but like you say ... I don't really give a shit. The point is, it was cool to be in the same spot and have a different feeling. Yesterday was cold water against my legs and this morning was cold, hard sand.
As corny as it sounds, when I started analyzing the tide and trying to figure out the physical pull of it all without just turning to google, it made me think of human emotion. What is it that pulls all of our emotions to the center, to our heart, and keeps them wound tight and what is it that allows it to break free at times and let our emotions show? There are random times I feel completely introverted and others in which I'm ready to let it out, whether it is fun or sadness or happiness... What is it pulling and sending our emotional tides one way or another?
I've been thinking of you more than normal yesterday and today. There's 2 reasons... (1) because I'm surrounded by sisters. There are groupings of sisters on this weekend trip and it's a reminder of how lonely it is not to have you. How different and empty and half whole I feel. "You're never alone when you have a sister." It's probably some quote I've seen on Facebook but it's what I thought of on my morning walk. You wouldn't have been here this weekend, but I don't think I would've felt the same surrounded by sisters as I do. Call it jealousy or grief or reality but knowing you aren't here makes it hard to watch the bonds others have with their halves. I'm having a great time and the moments in which I feel that jealousy, grief, emptiness are different. You've been gone 11 months and as those moments occur in day to day life, I usually find them less dibilitating (right use of that word??). They become lingering thoughts and emotions but I usually don't have to leave the room anymore to cry or to get away. The reality you're no longer here becomes more and more real every day but the desire for you and need for you grows every day alongside that reality. (2) I've been thinking of you more than normal because when I go somewhere new, I tend to find myself wondering if you'd like it. Would you like this beach or hate it because it's hard. You never really liked beaches but I do think you'd like the sun chairs and pool. You'd love the house but hate that it's not a hotel cause if you're on vacation, why should you have to make your own bed, right? You would've loved the sushi we had last night ... That's not a question. Would the east coast be something you like or would you still rather be on your Arizona trip? I'm guessing Arizona.
I love you and miss you.
XO
I'm in Charleston right now for jackies bachelorette party. We're staying on Isle of Palms. The house is insane and the sun is shining ... It's great!
I went for a walk this morning because I can't seem to shake my thoughts of you. Blogging helps.
I'm sitting on a nice sand pile by a pier watching the waves crash. As I walked out here I realized I was walking on a sandy path which was where waves were crashing against my feet yesterday afternoon. The tide hasn't come in yet. I say that phrase not really understanding it. I get tide rolls in and it rolls out, but what is that thing pulling all of the water to its center and what stops pulling and let's it go? I imagine the answer may be gravity and I know the answer could be found on google but like you say ... I don't really give a shit. The point is, it was cool to be in the same spot and have a different feeling. Yesterday was cold water against my legs and this morning was cold, hard sand.
As corny as it sounds, when I started analyzing the tide and trying to figure out the physical pull of it all without just turning to google, it made me think of human emotion. What is it that pulls all of our emotions to the center, to our heart, and keeps them wound tight and what is it that allows it to break free at times and let our emotions show? There are random times I feel completely introverted and others in which I'm ready to let it out, whether it is fun or sadness or happiness... What is it pulling and sending our emotional tides one way or another?
I've been thinking of you more than normal yesterday and today. There's 2 reasons... (1) because I'm surrounded by sisters. There are groupings of sisters on this weekend trip and it's a reminder of how lonely it is not to have you. How different and empty and half whole I feel. "You're never alone when you have a sister." It's probably some quote I've seen on Facebook but it's what I thought of on my morning walk. You wouldn't have been here this weekend, but I don't think I would've felt the same surrounded by sisters as I do. Call it jealousy or grief or reality but knowing you aren't here makes it hard to watch the bonds others have with their halves. I'm having a great time and the moments in which I feel that jealousy, grief, emptiness are different. You've been gone 11 months and as those moments occur in day to day life, I usually find them less dibilitating (right use of that word??). They become lingering thoughts and emotions but I usually don't have to leave the room anymore to cry or to get away. The reality you're no longer here becomes more and more real every day but the desire for you and need for you grows every day alongside that reality. (2) I've been thinking of you more than normal because when I go somewhere new, I tend to find myself wondering if you'd like it. Would you like this beach or hate it because it's hard. You never really liked beaches but I do think you'd like the sun chairs and pool. You'd love the house but hate that it's not a hotel cause if you're on vacation, why should you have to make your own bed, right? You would've loved the sushi we had last night ... That's not a question. Would the east coast be something you like or would you still rather be on your Arizona trip? I'm guessing Arizona.
I love you and miss you.
XO
Friday, October 16, 2015
Happy Sweetest Day, Kerr Bear!
Dear Kerr Bear,
I walked into Jewel the other night after a long meeting to attempt their salad bar at 9:00PM instead of resulting in my typical Chipotle late night solution (yup! I should've just gone to Chipotle because Jewel had closed their salad bar down already - see ... not worth it to try and be healthy) to see their amazing floral department (yes, the Jewel by my house has great flowers - you'd love it!) adorned by beautiful extra-large "Happy Sweetest Day" balloons. My instant gut reaction was an "ohhh" but in the tone of a sigh not the tone of loving excitement.
You influenced my love of Hallmark cheesy holidays, the love of grand romantic gestures, flowers, chocolate and incredibly romantic men. You didn't marry those men and neither did I because when I reminded Mac of Sweetest Day and suggested we celebrate it, he adamantly said no. But anyhow ... :0) my gut reaction was one of bitter sweet sadness. It's because days like Sweetest day will ALWAYS make me think of you. That's the sweet part. The part which makes me smile. The reminder of all the influences you had over me and all the memories we shared. But then there's the obvious bitter sadness part. The part which reminds me of yet another day I'll spend without you all too early.
Point of this letter to you, though, is not my complaints about Mac's disinterest in cheesy romance, or to dwell on the bitter sadness portion of days I don't spend with you, but instead to wish you a Happy Sweetest Day.
I love you. I miss you. And I hope you receive a great big bouquet of flowers and a beautiful arrangement of cookies by design.
xoxo always,
ME
I walked into Jewel the other night after a long meeting to attempt their salad bar at 9:00PM instead of resulting in my typical Chipotle late night solution (yup! I should've just gone to Chipotle because Jewel had closed their salad bar down already - see ... not worth it to try and be healthy) to see their amazing floral department (yes, the Jewel by my house has great flowers - you'd love it!) adorned by beautiful extra-large "Happy Sweetest Day" balloons. My instant gut reaction was an "ohhh" but in the tone of a sigh not the tone of loving excitement.
You influenced my love of Hallmark cheesy holidays, the love of grand romantic gestures, flowers, chocolate and incredibly romantic men. You didn't marry those men and neither did I because when I reminded Mac of Sweetest Day and suggested we celebrate it, he adamantly said no. But anyhow ... :0) my gut reaction was one of bitter sweet sadness. It's because days like Sweetest day will ALWAYS make me think of you. That's the sweet part. The part which makes me smile. The reminder of all the influences you had over me and all the memories we shared. But then there's the obvious bitter sadness part. The part which reminds me of yet another day I'll spend without you all too early.
Point of this letter to you, though, is not my complaints about Mac's disinterest in cheesy romance, or to dwell on the bitter sadness portion of days I don't spend with you, but instead to wish you a Happy Sweetest Day.
I love you. I miss you. And I hope you receive a great big bouquet of flowers and a beautiful arrangement of cookies by design.
xoxo always,
ME
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Gloomy Days
Dear Kerr,
Today blows. It's cold and rainy. First of all, you know I love fall weather - boots, jeans. Not that I shopped the anniversary sale this year (yeah - I know ... I can't believe it either. I timed the wedding poorly lol). But it's rainy and cold and we had a shit summer ... too short. So I'm not at all excited about this weather. I can feel my seasonal depression kicking in, too. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning or go to the gym but I sure as shit want to eat. Normally, I'd text you saying today sucks and you'd text back saying you agree. I miss having someone to bitch to without them trying to make me feel sunny and happy.
The urge to text you is lessening. The need for you in my life is not, but I guess since it's been 10+ months of not texting you, my body is losing its muscle memory ..? I did think to text you a few days ago though ... I wanted to make fun of mom and dad for being in a trivia group and I knew you'd make fun of them with me (I did talk to Mac that night, though, about joining one too so clearly it was me being jealous ha!) I also heard the pina colada song ... makes me smile every time. I like that certain memories are making me smile.
That's it for now. Just wanted to tell you the day is gloomy and sucky.
xo
missing you
Today blows. It's cold and rainy. First of all, you know I love fall weather - boots, jeans. Not that I shopped the anniversary sale this year (yeah - I know ... I can't believe it either. I timed the wedding poorly lol). But it's rainy and cold and we had a shit summer ... too short. So I'm not at all excited about this weather. I can feel my seasonal depression kicking in, too. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning or go to the gym but I sure as shit want to eat. Normally, I'd text you saying today sucks and you'd text back saying you agree. I miss having someone to bitch to without them trying to make me feel sunny and happy.
The urge to text you is lessening. The need for you in my life is not, but I guess since it's been 10+ months of not texting you, my body is losing its muscle memory ..? I did think to text you a few days ago though ... I wanted to make fun of mom and dad for being in a trivia group and I knew you'd make fun of them with me (I did talk to Mac that night, though, about joining one too so clearly it was me being jealous ha!) I also heard the pina colada song ... makes me smile every time. I like that certain memories are making me smile.
That's it for now. Just wanted to tell you the day is gloomy and sucky.
xo
missing you
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
When in Rome
Hey Kerr,
We got back from our honeymoon on Sunday. It was nice to have yesterday to acclimate while both of us were still off from work. It was great to see the boys. We did our fantasy football draft at moms.
I thought about you so much on the honeymoon. I think about you all the time, but there were triggers. I thought maybe there were just triggers in Rome because last I'd been there, it was with you, but I thought about you at every turn.
For starters, this trip was so easy! We didn't buy any train tickets in advance, rode standard class and had air conditioning, and I laughed thinking you saying "of course it was easy for you". I retold mac the stories about the train stations, taxi drivers, airport craziness, bad weather but did so with a laugh and a smile. I said to him "all good memories. that's good, right?". You're only a memory now, but we had incredible memories. I'm grateful for the smiles it gives me to recall them.
We had the most incredible profiteroles in Capri. "I don't want them in a box! I want them now!" I showed Mac the Westin Excelsior and walked through the lobby in such disbelief, sort of numb, and I told Mac it felt strange that I was there with you 5 years prior and never could've guessed I'd walk in 5 years later and you'd be dead. I explained to Mac that I still think it's so shocking because I thought you were invincible. After Allan died, I think something inside of me just figured nothing would happen to you. All would be okay. Because, surely, something so shitty wouldn't strike twice.
Traveling Rome & Florence made me think of our Baltic Seas cruise. How great is it that we had just taken that trip 2 years ago. Again, such memories!
The plane ride home showed 3 movies. One of which was "we bought a zoo". I love that movie! This time, I teared up through it and my mind wondered. There were so many lines from the movie which rang true ... "I'm sorry your childhood had to end so early, kid" "Am I doing this right" "Am I giving them a good life" etc. I want the boys to do well in school, have friends, get into college, do well there, get jobs, get married, have children, have their own explorations... I want nothing more than their happiness. I worry all of the time about bad crowds of friends, drugs, drinking, poor academics, bad life choices... I'm sure parents all over the world think about their parenting... are they doing right by their children? will their children continue on good paths? but these parents are there to worry about this. The boys have experienced loss like none other and i worry and hope the pain and struggle and loss will create strength in each of them to have better lives and be better people. the son in the movie struggle through school and with his anger and his communication and it made me think the entire rest of the plane ride home about my dreams for the boys and how I hope their pain and loss does not negatively effect the progress in their lives.
I woke up today completely depressed. Waking up in Italy, with my husband, away from the struggles of every day life is a lot easier. My married life is great. I am obsessed with Leo. Work gives me happiness. I do wish I saw my friends more. But my heart is not the same without you in it. I woke up today to return to normal life and its my new-normal life of day-in and day-out without you and what it means to not have you is hard. Returning from a dream vacation to come back to what it means not having you is hard to wake up to.
I miss you.
xo
We got back from our honeymoon on Sunday. It was nice to have yesterday to acclimate while both of us were still off from work. It was great to see the boys. We did our fantasy football draft at moms.
I thought about you so much on the honeymoon. I think about you all the time, but there were triggers. I thought maybe there were just triggers in Rome because last I'd been there, it was with you, but I thought about you at every turn.
For starters, this trip was so easy! We didn't buy any train tickets in advance, rode standard class and had air conditioning, and I laughed thinking you saying "of course it was easy for you". I retold mac the stories about the train stations, taxi drivers, airport craziness, bad weather but did so with a laugh and a smile. I said to him "all good memories. that's good, right?". You're only a memory now, but we had incredible memories. I'm grateful for the smiles it gives me to recall them.
We had the most incredible profiteroles in Capri. "I don't want them in a box! I want them now!" I showed Mac the Westin Excelsior and walked through the lobby in such disbelief, sort of numb, and I told Mac it felt strange that I was there with you 5 years prior and never could've guessed I'd walk in 5 years later and you'd be dead. I explained to Mac that I still think it's so shocking because I thought you were invincible. After Allan died, I think something inside of me just figured nothing would happen to you. All would be okay. Because, surely, something so shitty wouldn't strike twice.
Traveling Rome & Florence made me think of our Baltic Seas cruise. How great is it that we had just taken that trip 2 years ago. Again, such memories!
The plane ride home showed 3 movies. One of which was "we bought a zoo". I love that movie! This time, I teared up through it and my mind wondered. There were so many lines from the movie which rang true ... "I'm sorry your childhood had to end so early, kid" "Am I doing this right" "Am I giving them a good life" etc. I want the boys to do well in school, have friends, get into college, do well there, get jobs, get married, have children, have their own explorations... I want nothing more than their happiness. I worry all of the time about bad crowds of friends, drugs, drinking, poor academics, bad life choices... I'm sure parents all over the world think about their parenting... are they doing right by their children? will their children continue on good paths? but these parents are there to worry about this. The boys have experienced loss like none other and i worry and hope the pain and struggle and loss will create strength in each of them to have better lives and be better people. the son in the movie struggle through school and with his anger and his communication and it made me think the entire rest of the plane ride home about my dreams for the boys and how I hope their pain and loss does not negatively effect the progress in their lives.
I woke up today completely depressed. Waking up in Italy, with my husband, away from the struggles of every day life is a lot easier. My married life is great. I am obsessed with Leo. Work gives me happiness. I do wish I saw my friends more. But my heart is not the same without you in it. I woke up today to return to normal life and its my new-normal life of day-in and day-out without you and what it means to not have you is hard. Returning from a dream vacation to come back to what it means not having you is hard to wake up to.
I miss you.
xo
Monday, August 24, 2015
Back to School
Dear Kerr,
Andrew & Issac had their first day of school today! HIGH SCHOOL! Issac started GBN and Andrew started Junior year. Such important years! I asked Mom to go to the house this morning and take their first day of school photos. She did. She does everything for them. Literally. I think Issac is officially taller than Andrew. Obviously, Andrew does not agree. Here are updates on A&I:
Andrew is still the sweet, kind, big hearted Andrew you raised. I think hes grown to be even bigger-hearted. I feel so fortunate to have 2 teenagers who are responsible and kind and respectful. He drives everyone everywhere - takes them to dr. appointments and registration and clothes shopping and fun outings when school is out or camp was over. He and Sophia are still dating. It's funny - it's like they're a mini Allan & you. They even took a pic in front of the Lincoln Park Zoo and Dad thought Sophia was you. She's a saint. She takes care of those boys and leaves notes on paperwork for me at the house. It's crazy how mature Andrew and her are. We're going to take Andrew to see a few colleges this year. It's crazy that he's already this old. I can already tell I'll be a mess dropping him off at his dorm.
Issac is so in touch with his emotions and others. He is funny and so handsome. He's going to do so well in high school and I know the teachers are going to love him. He is dating Josie. Did you know her? She's very sweet and is definitely a source of happiness for Issac. He is pretty hard on Simon to be respectful and appreciative. I think he feels the responsibility to shape him over the next few years.
The boys have become men. It happened overnight. It was a complete loss of innocence, and it absolutely sucks, but they're handling it so well and are so helpful.
Simon and Zion start Wood Oaks this Wednesday. Mac and I leave for our honeymoon tomorrow so I won't be around for their 1st day. Today I went by the house to update the September calendar. That's right, I write on your calendar. Tough shit. I update it every month. I try to do it just as you would. I've messed up the colors, but oh well. The boys are excited about the new clothes and trapper-keepers! We ordered hot lunch today - always exciting! Simon = chicken nuggets; Zion = tuna and salad. Nothings changed.
Simon is still the one who keeps us on our toes, but is also the one who can brighten any day and make my heart beam with joy. When he smiles at me or laughs at a joke of mine or says "I love you, too", I have a better day. I'm really excited to see how he does in 6th grade. Your passing hit him hard and affected his 5th grade productivity, but I think he's going to rock this year! He also wants to try out for volleyball and I think he'd be so good at it!
Zion is brilliant. Still shocking us all with his witty phrases. I feel as though I'm exactly in your shoes with him. He doesn't take to me so well; he always thinks I'm going to yell. I know he loves me, though. I believe he knows I love him. Today we had such an awesome day. Talking to each other and just being at ease with one another. It was great. I feel a sense of success when I can connect with him. I only hope he know I try to build structure for him out of the love I feel for him in my heart.
I cried when I left them today. It's hard to leave the country for almost 2 weeks at the beginning of such big years for them. It's hard to separate from them. They've been such a source of strength and determination for me. This will truly be the first break away from running their schedule and lives since you died. Naturally, the family is handling it all. Everyone pitches in so easily, but it still feels strange to leave.
I miss you.
I love you.
xoxo
ME
Andrew & Issac had their first day of school today! HIGH SCHOOL! Issac started GBN and Andrew started Junior year. Such important years! I asked Mom to go to the house this morning and take their first day of school photos. She did. She does everything for them. Literally. I think Issac is officially taller than Andrew. Obviously, Andrew does not agree. Here are updates on A&I:
Andrew is still the sweet, kind, big hearted Andrew you raised. I think hes grown to be even bigger-hearted. I feel so fortunate to have 2 teenagers who are responsible and kind and respectful. He drives everyone everywhere - takes them to dr. appointments and registration and clothes shopping and fun outings when school is out or camp was over. He and Sophia are still dating. It's funny - it's like they're a mini Allan & you. They even took a pic in front of the Lincoln Park Zoo and Dad thought Sophia was you. She's a saint. She takes care of those boys and leaves notes on paperwork for me at the house. It's crazy how mature Andrew and her are. We're going to take Andrew to see a few colleges this year. It's crazy that he's already this old. I can already tell I'll be a mess dropping him off at his dorm.
Issac is so in touch with his emotions and others. He is funny and so handsome. He's going to do so well in high school and I know the teachers are going to love him. He is dating Josie. Did you know her? She's very sweet and is definitely a source of happiness for Issac. He is pretty hard on Simon to be respectful and appreciative. I think he feels the responsibility to shape him over the next few years.
The boys have become men. It happened overnight. It was a complete loss of innocence, and it absolutely sucks, but they're handling it so well and are so helpful.
Simon and Zion start Wood Oaks this Wednesday. Mac and I leave for our honeymoon tomorrow so I won't be around for their 1st day. Today I went by the house to update the September calendar. That's right, I write on your calendar. Tough shit. I update it every month. I try to do it just as you would. I've messed up the colors, but oh well. The boys are excited about the new clothes and trapper-keepers! We ordered hot lunch today - always exciting! Simon = chicken nuggets; Zion = tuna and salad. Nothings changed.
Simon is still the one who keeps us on our toes, but is also the one who can brighten any day and make my heart beam with joy. When he smiles at me or laughs at a joke of mine or says "I love you, too", I have a better day. I'm really excited to see how he does in 6th grade. Your passing hit him hard and affected his 5th grade productivity, but I think he's going to rock this year! He also wants to try out for volleyball and I think he'd be so good at it!
Zion is brilliant. Still shocking us all with his witty phrases. I feel as though I'm exactly in your shoes with him. He doesn't take to me so well; he always thinks I'm going to yell. I know he loves me, though. I believe he knows I love him. Today we had such an awesome day. Talking to each other and just being at ease with one another. It was great. I feel a sense of success when I can connect with him. I only hope he know I try to build structure for him out of the love I feel for him in my heart.
I cried when I left them today. It's hard to leave the country for almost 2 weeks at the beginning of such big years for them. It's hard to separate from them. They've been such a source of strength and determination for me. This will truly be the first break away from running their schedule and lives since you died. Naturally, the family is handling it all. Everyone pitches in so easily, but it still feels strange to leave.
I miss you.
I love you.
xoxo
ME
Thursday, August 20, 2015
November 21, 2014
Dearest KerrBear,
Today would've been Allan's 47th birthday. It's crazy to think he's been gone 11 years. Crazier to think how much the boys act like him only having known him for such little time. They look just like him, too. What's crazier is I'm telling you this via a blog. I couldn't text you today in my usual manner to just say "hi" and then casually address the day even though you clearly already knew what today is.
You're gone.
The texts to you no longer exist, but the natural desire and thought to text you hasn't gone away. The desire, instead, adds to the hole which now exists in my heart and in my life without you here.
You died 9 months ago tomorrow - November 21, 2014. It is a day I'll never forget, but wish I could. There are memories of that day which replay in my mind far too often. The day itself plays on repeat sometimes. I want to tell you about it. That my seem strange but you are my best friend and you tell your best friend the most important and the most mundane things. Well this is important.
Strange? Yes. All of this is strange. I've been going to therapy now for 8 months and at the beginning when I discussed missing our every day interaction, she suggested writing to you in a journal, but I couldn't quite get myself to do it. I would pickup the journal and a pen, but it never felt right. Then she suggested simply trying to speak to you but that didn't feel right either. When I was telling Erin about this, she said something which resinated: it's never going to feel right; it's not right that she's gone. She went on, though, to discuss the possibility of a blog. This seemed like more of a possibility for me. You found comfort in blogging, and maybe I can now, too. My plan is to write you and tell you about my life and the boys and the family and then probably really unimportant stuff too. I want to be able to talk to you. I'm not ready to have you out of my life.
So ... the day you died. I woke up that morning and got a couple hours of work done. While working, I received a text from you. You told me you fell. I asked if you were okay and you said yes, just a little sore. I figured you were clumsy or tripped. I told you I was going to get Erin's shower gift that day and did you still want to go in on it together. You said yes. That was it. I left it at that.
I then went to Bar class. After class, I called you to find out which gas station I should get the gas gift cards from for Andrew's birthday dinner that evening. You didn't answer. I remembered it was 1:15PM so you were at work. So I called mom to ask which gas station but she didn't answer. I then called Mac to brag to him I made it to Bar class. While we were on the phone together, Dad called him. I told him to take it because it seemed strange he was calling. I went into the BP station at Diversey and Sheffield, proceeded to buy the gift cards, and while waiting for him to load them, Mac called to ask where I was. I began to hysterically cry & couldn't remember or figure out what intersection I was at. The attendant told me and handed me paper towels for my tears. I moved my car to the street and waited for Mac.
While waiting, I got ahold of Ilyssa and told her I didn't know why I was crying and explain what had happened to get me there. Mac, oddly enough, was in the city and near me. He got to me quickly. I begged him to tell me what happened but all he would say is "it's Kerry". Dad made him promise to tell me nothing. I called Dad and he said "Kerry died". I kept screaming no and beating the car door. How? Why? It can't be? How? No! But how?
The ride to Glenbrook Hospital took forever. On the way, I got ahold of Jordan. We both knew. We had no words. He was, oddly enough, right near the hospital.
Mac and I parked on the opposite end of the emergency room. The walk to it felt like the halls were growing longer as we made our way down them. And then the moment which crashes through my head on repeat - we got to the ER and I told the nurse I was there for Kerry Klein Butman. She said, "I'm so sorry." I let out a screaming cry and collapsed on the ground. It was her 3 words that made my world crumble. It's as if I hadn't believe Dad; I felt he had to be wrong. Then her words brought reality upon me.
Mac helped me to my feet and when I turned, I saw Steve. I asked what happened? How did you die? He explained the text messages he received throughout the day from you explaining how you'd fallen. And then he explained how he came home from lunch to find you gone.
Did it happen quickly? Did you suffer? Were you aware it was the end?
Jordan and I went to GBN to meet Andrew. The social worker at the hospital came up with a good plan to have him sent to the Dean at the end of school explaining his ride changed and he was to wait there. We met him and I told him you died. My words were met with his instant grief. He said it was unfair. "Both of them?" he asked.
We went back tot he house and I sat with Steve as he told Simon and Zion. His words were met with instant grief by them both.
I went outside to meet Issac on his walk home. He reacted with pure shock and bewilderment.
I remember distinctly watching you tell Andrew "dad was not going to be coming home. He died." It broke my heart every time I remembered you telling your 5 year old his Dad was gone. It breaks my heart every time reliving the memories of the 4 boys finding out you are gone.
My hope now is that since I've told my best friend, the one whom I used to tell everything, about this day, that I can stop reliving the torturous memories. The rest of the day is a blur full of visitors and text messages and phone calls.
What I do remember from the evening, though, you must be told. You were so excited to see Andrew's reaction to finding out he was getting a car. We decided to celebrate his birthday that night anyways. We found the cake in your trunk which you must have picked up that morning. As per usual, it was massive. We sat in the front room and gave Andrew his gifts. He opened our gas gift cards. Then a check from Mom & Dad. And a toy car in a box from Lance. Andrew smiled genuinely, got up, thanked and hugged Lance for the toy car. That's the boy you raised - kind, gentle, gracious, loving and sweet. Then he opened the other box from Lance to find the key to a real car. His face lit up. Oh, how I hope you saw it. He and the boys all went to check out the car. We then sang Happy Birthday to him with the candles lit surrounded by family, loved ones, and the Boom guys you loved so dearly.
As I write this, I'm a mess of tears.
I hope writing letters to you will bring me peace and comfort and a feeling you're with me. I used to believe so firmly in an after-life of sorts ... in the belief those who have passed can see us and are with us, helping guide us. November 21st happened and my beliefs have shattered. I look forward to believing again. I have hope blogging to you will get me there.
I look forward to writing you about happy occasions & am sorry today's letter was so sad. I promise they won't all be. :-) Some will be filled with absolutely nothing important, others with stories of some of the biggest stories, and then others, I'm sure, will be me venting.
For now, I say good riddance to the memories of the day you died.
Nighty night. I hope you and Allan had steak for dinner and are now finishing Bubby's triple layer birthday cake.
xoxo
always
Today would've been Allan's 47th birthday. It's crazy to think he's been gone 11 years. Crazier to think how much the boys act like him only having known him for such little time. They look just like him, too. What's crazier is I'm telling you this via a blog. I couldn't text you today in my usual manner to just say "hi" and then casually address the day even though you clearly already knew what today is.
You're gone.
The texts to you no longer exist, but the natural desire and thought to text you hasn't gone away. The desire, instead, adds to the hole which now exists in my heart and in my life without you here.
You died 9 months ago tomorrow - November 21, 2014. It is a day I'll never forget, but wish I could. There are memories of that day which replay in my mind far too often. The day itself plays on repeat sometimes. I want to tell you about it. That my seem strange but you are my best friend and you tell your best friend the most important and the most mundane things. Well this is important.
Strange? Yes. All of this is strange. I've been going to therapy now for 8 months and at the beginning when I discussed missing our every day interaction, she suggested writing to you in a journal, but I couldn't quite get myself to do it. I would pickup the journal and a pen, but it never felt right. Then she suggested simply trying to speak to you but that didn't feel right either. When I was telling Erin about this, she said something which resinated: it's never going to feel right; it's not right that she's gone. She went on, though, to discuss the possibility of a blog. This seemed like more of a possibility for me. You found comfort in blogging, and maybe I can now, too. My plan is to write you and tell you about my life and the boys and the family and then probably really unimportant stuff too. I want to be able to talk to you. I'm not ready to have you out of my life.
So ... the day you died. I woke up that morning and got a couple hours of work done. While working, I received a text from you. You told me you fell. I asked if you were okay and you said yes, just a little sore. I figured you were clumsy or tripped. I told you I was going to get Erin's shower gift that day and did you still want to go in on it together. You said yes. That was it. I left it at that.
I then went to Bar class. After class, I called you to find out which gas station I should get the gas gift cards from for Andrew's birthday dinner that evening. You didn't answer. I remembered it was 1:15PM so you were at work. So I called mom to ask which gas station but she didn't answer. I then called Mac to brag to him I made it to Bar class. While we were on the phone together, Dad called him. I told him to take it because it seemed strange he was calling. I went into the BP station at Diversey and Sheffield, proceeded to buy the gift cards, and while waiting for him to load them, Mac called to ask where I was. I began to hysterically cry & couldn't remember or figure out what intersection I was at. The attendant told me and handed me paper towels for my tears. I moved my car to the street and waited for Mac.
While waiting, I got ahold of Ilyssa and told her I didn't know why I was crying and explain what had happened to get me there. Mac, oddly enough, was in the city and near me. He got to me quickly. I begged him to tell me what happened but all he would say is "it's Kerry". Dad made him promise to tell me nothing. I called Dad and he said "Kerry died". I kept screaming no and beating the car door. How? Why? It can't be? How? No! But how?
The ride to Glenbrook Hospital took forever. On the way, I got ahold of Jordan. We both knew. We had no words. He was, oddly enough, right near the hospital.
Mac and I parked on the opposite end of the emergency room. The walk to it felt like the halls were growing longer as we made our way down them. And then the moment which crashes through my head on repeat - we got to the ER and I told the nurse I was there for Kerry Klein Butman. She said, "I'm so sorry." I let out a screaming cry and collapsed on the ground. It was her 3 words that made my world crumble. It's as if I hadn't believe Dad; I felt he had to be wrong. Then her words brought reality upon me.
Mac helped me to my feet and when I turned, I saw Steve. I asked what happened? How did you die? He explained the text messages he received throughout the day from you explaining how you'd fallen. And then he explained how he came home from lunch to find you gone.
Did it happen quickly? Did you suffer? Were you aware it was the end?
Jordan and I went to GBN to meet Andrew. The social worker at the hospital came up with a good plan to have him sent to the Dean at the end of school explaining his ride changed and he was to wait there. We met him and I told him you died. My words were met with his instant grief. He said it was unfair. "Both of them?" he asked.
We went back tot he house and I sat with Steve as he told Simon and Zion. His words were met with instant grief by them both.
I went outside to meet Issac on his walk home. He reacted with pure shock and bewilderment.
I remember distinctly watching you tell Andrew "dad was not going to be coming home. He died." It broke my heart every time I remembered you telling your 5 year old his Dad was gone. It breaks my heart every time reliving the memories of the 4 boys finding out you are gone.
My hope now is that since I've told my best friend, the one whom I used to tell everything, about this day, that I can stop reliving the torturous memories. The rest of the day is a blur full of visitors and text messages and phone calls.
What I do remember from the evening, though, you must be told. You were so excited to see Andrew's reaction to finding out he was getting a car. We decided to celebrate his birthday that night anyways. We found the cake in your trunk which you must have picked up that morning. As per usual, it was massive. We sat in the front room and gave Andrew his gifts. He opened our gas gift cards. Then a check from Mom & Dad. And a toy car in a box from Lance. Andrew smiled genuinely, got up, thanked and hugged Lance for the toy car. That's the boy you raised - kind, gentle, gracious, loving and sweet. Then he opened the other box from Lance to find the key to a real car. His face lit up. Oh, how I hope you saw it. He and the boys all went to check out the car. We then sang Happy Birthday to him with the candles lit surrounded by family, loved ones, and the Boom guys you loved so dearly.
As I write this, I'm a mess of tears.
I hope writing letters to you will bring me peace and comfort and a feeling you're with me. I used to believe so firmly in an after-life of sorts ... in the belief those who have passed can see us and are with us, helping guide us. November 21st happened and my beliefs have shattered. I look forward to believing again. I have hope blogging to you will get me there.
I look forward to writing you about happy occasions & am sorry today's letter was so sad. I promise they won't all be. :-) Some will be filled with absolutely nothing important, others with stories of some of the biggest stories, and then others, I'm sure, will be me venting.
For now, I say good riddance to the memories of the day you died.
Nighty night. I hope you and Allan had steak for dinner and are now finishing Bubby's triple layer birthday cake.
xoxo
always
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