45

 Happy 45th birthday, Kerry!!

I can imagine you would’ve hated turning 45 (weird statement to make considering..) but you would’ve! So I probably would’ve said it on repeat, publicly wishing you a happy 45th birthday instead of just ‘happy birthday!’.  You would’ve freaked out because 45 is the next big milestone birthday to 50.  And it would’ve sucked because you would’ve spent another birthday inside, only this time, not because of some crazy winter storm (although it did snow/rain), but because the pandemic is still very much here.  

For your birthday, I got you a niece who looks like you (well, your baby pic)!  Or at least I think so!  Issac just says babies look like blobs so he doesn’t see it.  Everyone is saying she’s my twin/looks like Simon.  We named her Dakota Jolene; D for Allan David and J for Aaron Jack.  Simon came up with Jolene.  I wanted a regular size/big baby so badly.  I wanted her to just be happy and healthy and she arrived weighing 8.3!  One of the first things I said was ‘I got my squishy’.  You’d love her!! I know you agreed, the squishier the better.  Which is why you’d also be beyond obsessed with the most gorgeous, Ada.  She’s growing so nicely and is certainly Miles’ sister - beautiful like him.  I haven’t kissed her... her big cheeks, her beautiful hair.  This pandemic sucks ass.

I just got Dakota back down to sleep and should fall back asleep myself before the big girls wake up, but I knew I wanted to write you. I miss you. I feel like we would’ve had one another in our Covid-friendly circles somehow.  Even though the boys would’ve bugged you to go do what they wanted which would make them and you Covid risks, but somehow I just think we would’ve figured it out.  So we would’ve had lunch and dinners and days together as much as we could.  Maybe that’s just wishful thinking... but I sure do wish you were here.  Even if just to text you.  I feel like a lot of what I’d want to do is vent.  Which isn’t great, but you would’ve been okay with it.  I’d want to tell you how hard this all is and how much I just feel ... blah.  New baby, wanting my body back, winter weather, Covid restrictions, no travel plans ... it’s a lot all at once.  Planning a little birthday thing would’ve been fun for you though.  

I love you.  I really do hope and wish you’re somehow celebrating.  Did Bubby make you cakes for your birthday, too?  I’d have to assume so.  We’re yours yellow cake with chocolate frosting?  I don’t remember you loving Bubby’s sweets like I did.  Funny enough, when I close my eyes and go back to holidays at Bubby’s, I can’t see you or Lance.  Maybe you guys say at the dining room table? I don’t think you were with Jordan and me in the kitchen.  I’m likely wrong about so many aspects here.  But I hope she’s made you something fabulous.  Maybe today would’ve been my big exception day and we would’ve gone for mani/pedis..?

Anyhoo... rambling again.  The bottom line is, I wish I could celebrate with you today.  I wish I could bitch with you every day.  And oh how I wish, with all of my wishes, that I could have a Kerry hug.  The big, tight, hug like you meant it, smelled like Vanilla sugar cookie, Kerry hug.  I need it.  I need you.

Happy 45th birthday my sweet sister.

XO

Me

2020.

 Hey Kerr,

It’s been awhile.  And, frankly, not because I didn’t have the time, but just because I sometimes can’t find the words. 

Although, I have been busy, life is not the same hustle bustle.  2020 has been a shit show.  We’re in a worldwide pandemic.  You’d haaaaaate it.  You would’ve gone months without manicures and getting your hair done and you would’ve had months without date nights and being cooped up with the boys.  A super big silver lining was that Issac’s school sent everyone home after spring break so we got to have him from Spring Break all the way until august.  He’s doing all virtual classes but is at school.  He has a great townhouse with a very sweet roommate from GBN.  His roommate cooks incredible food every night!! And Issac is being really safe.  We miss him so much, especially the girls, but are excited to have him home for Thanksgiving break.  We got him a new car to take to school this year; his first car just needed too much work and I was too worried with the long drives.  I knew it was something you & Allan would’ve done, too.  Andrew went back down to Louisville over the summer.  He was working so hard delivering food and is now a senior - OMG!  When did that happen.  He lives in the frat house and has virtual classes too.  He hates being virtual, but I know he’s still keeping a good social life, which is important.  I’m afraid he won’t come back to chicago after graduation.  :-/ Simon is a junior.  Wowzers!  Not sure what’ll happened with the ACT/SAT and if he’ll need to take it for college apps with this pandemic and such.  I can’t believe how quickly they’re growing.  Simy is so tall and has gotten sooooo fit!  They’re all so handsome and I know you’d just LOVE taking photos with them as they tower over you and look so good.  Andrew came in for a weekend a few weeks ago and was holding Kenna’s hand as we walked back from the park.  He had to bend to hold her.  It’s so cute to see them together and so crazy to see the age difference.  And yet... I can remember being young and taking Andrew to the park.  It’s all just going so fast.  I’m hoping Andrew gets an actual graduation at the end of April, but just know, if the school cancels it, Jordan and I will create a stage and the whole pomp and circumstance so he can walk across and know the weight of his accomplishment.  You raised incredible boys.

I’m having another baby - a girl!  We’re like the regular Brady brunch!  And Jordan and Jenna just had a GORGEOUS baby girl! I can’t believe these cousins will be so close in age, and hopefully, the best of friends.  Because of the pandemic, I couldn’t be at the hospital to wait or to meet her.  It killed me.  This sucks.  And the same will go for when our baby girl comes.. no one will be waiting or come to meet her.  And even then, it won’t be the same kind of introduction to her family.  Masks... gloves... hand sanitizer...  I can’t wait for this all to go away.

I’m lucky I have the second career in real estate.  The event industry has died.  You can’t have big parties and there are all sorts of restrictions.  It’s so sad.  It’s been 10.5 years of events by Tess and a growth of the company of 125% the year I had the girls and now - poof... large scale events are not allowed.  I’m hoping it changes ASAP.  I feel fortunate to help clients with smaller scale events but can’t wait for everything to be normal again.

Yesterday we (finally) got the announcement of our new president.  It’s a long story, but thank G-d!!  And, drumroll, we have a female Vice President!! Who is biracial!! And has a Jewish husband!!  Very exciting!!  We talk about politics a lot in our group text chat with the boys, and it’s very neat to watch them grow into their own thoughts and opinions and the ability to articulate where they’re coming from (even when I don’t agree).

Life feels in limbo right now.  We sold our house and are renovating a new one.  I’ve wanted to get your opinion on all of the design choices I’ve made and items I’ve purchased.  I’ve wanted to share this journey with you.  The day we closed on the new house, I cried.  It may sound strange to some, but not having you along for each of my large new milestones (and even for the mundane every day) makes it feel like it’s not complete/off in some way/not right... like you didn’t give me your blessing. The hole you’ve left doesn’t close.  It doesn’t get filled in or covered over.  You just learn to live with it there... and some days it feels like the wound is more open than others.  Some days, it’s not a tinge of pain, but instead a spark of joy.  Some songs just make me smile now instead of get choked up.  Always ‘pina colada’.  ‘Human’ by the killers is hit or miss depending on the day.  But you’re always around. In my heart and in my memories.  I just wish you were still here.

This is a rambly post to you.  But like I said, it’s been awhile, and 2020 has been a year...

I can’t wait to tell you about our baby girl.  I can’t wait to tell her about you.

I love you.

XO

Me

Glory of Love

Dear Kerr,

It’s been awhile.  Not for the lack of thinking of you... and I’m writing tonight not with updates.  I’m not in the mood for that.  I guess I haven’t been in awhile.  The stay-at-home order doesn’t have me in a generally perky look-at-all-of-the-amazing-things-happening mood.  I do keep thinking about how you’d be in quarantine, though.  Although you definitely went through things like this when you weren’t allowed to drive, I imagine this would feel even harder and you’d be pissed at the boys all the time for not cleaning or not trying your new recipes or saying ‘there’s no food in the house’ right after you’ve gone grocery shopping or for many other things  :O)  And I picture you desperate for a manicure.  Anyhoo... tonight I heard a song which made me think of you and smile with such warmth.  Sometimes there are songs that come on which are random.  They’re not ones I’d ever know to associate with you until I hear them.  Tonight, that song was ‘Glory of Love’ by Peter Cetera.  It started, and I instantly smiled imagining you smiling in a way that lit you up completely.  You’d sometimes hear certain songs, and it was like you were transported to your teenage years jamming out by your boom box or in the car... you’d start singing it when you heard it.  I loved when you’d just lose yourself for a moment with certain songs.  It’s amazing how music can move you.  I’m so grateful now for the memories music gives me.  I could really picture you tonight.  I could feel how fun those moments were when you’d just be happy and transported.  I like transporting now via your favorite music back to you.  I miss you.  I love you.

XO
Me
<3

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Happy Valentine’s Day, Kerr Bear!

I was up earlier than normal today.  I know I want to write to you, but I’m not totally sure where to start... here are some updates:
- I sent Andrew & Soph, Issac, & Allison a very cute Valentine’s goodie (have I told you about Allison yet?  She’s very sweet (and pretty), makes Issac (and the girls) very happy and has a lovely family!)
- a surprise for Simon will be delivered by mom today (I didn’t want him to get it too late in the day and I can only go this afternoon so I asked her to do me, yet another, favor and go this morning)
- I got cute books for Miles and Kwynnie
- I got the girls books and clothes and Mrs fields frosted cookies
We’ll go to Barnabys tonight for some yummy heart shape pizza
The traditions live on.  I haven’t gotten to your level yet, though.  My house is not filled with red and pink.  I love how you decorated!  My favorite was when Pinterest became a thing and that year you had the cutest hurricane vases filled with conversation hearts surrounding a pillar candle.  You nailed it.  You nailed Valentine’s Day.
What would you have done for the girls this year?  I imagine massive bows and headbands...?  We’d go out to lunch or dinner or would there be so many kids now you’d start to host a Valentine’s party?
I miss sending you flowers or cookie baskets.
Just know, if I could find a way to send you something now, it would be the greatest hug in the world.  I would trade in all of the hearts and flowers for another chance to hug you.
I miss you.  I love you.  And I’ll certainly be telling the girls today all about how their Aunt Kerry and mama loved Valentine’s Day (gotta train ‘EM young, right?).
The biggest XOs
Me

❤️

Kerr Bear,

Twice in one week! I know... it’s a big week.
5 years ago today. How has it been 5 years?  It many ways, it feels quick.  The days have been filled with so much.  The years.  The moments.  But in every way, it feels like forever.
I LOST you 5 years ago.  It’s a strange phrase, right?  But maybe it’s not because the truth is, I have been looking for you ever since.  Where are you?  Where’d you go?  Will you come back to me?
I wrote you many times explaining how I couldn’t feel you.  I wanted to know you were around, watching, sending me warmth and love.  And while I’ve had moments of really believing “the signs” the ultimate sign has been the girls.  I really do think you sent me sisters.  We are sisters.  I miss my sister.  And while I don’t go searching every day to find the great thing my heart lost 5 years ago, to find more signs and moments, I do spend every day aware of the hole left in my heart.  You are gone. And things just aren’t quite the same.
I am happy.  My life is good.  It’s busy and it’s crazy and it’s weeks like next I look forward to most - when everyone will be around.  The boys are such a light for me.  I haven’t seen Issac since August and Andrew only once since August.  I can’t wait to squeeze them.
So yeah, I’m happy.  But I can’t help but feel this build up of anxt and dread over today.  As the days build towards 11/21, I find myself relieving each day of November 2014.  11/17, the last day I saw you... 11/20 when we text about my ability to curl my hair ... 11/21.  I told Mac that I dread this day because it’s as if my brain and my heart are trying to protect me.  If I could just avoid November 21st, then maybe it wouldn’t happen.  He looked a bit concerned at that thought.  Of course I know that’s not possible, but for some reason, my body goes into defense mode to try and avoid today.  Today is just another day.  Another day of smiles and giggles and hugs and love from my girls.  Another day of work.  Of the M-F routine.
But it’s not just another day.  It’s the day I lost my sister.  And on days like today, I do feel myself searching for you.  Searching for that hug.  That smell of fresh baked cookie vanilla body spray.  That perfectly applied makeup.  I close my eyes to see it all again.  To feel it all again.  Oh how I wish I could for real.  For now, my imagination will do.

Until we meet again.
Keep watching.  We got a lot of living to do down here.
XO
me

21 years

Kerr,

Today is November 15th.  When I first found out your due date, I hoped you’d have Andrew 11/15.  I wanted him born on my 1/2 birthday.  Everyone said that wasn’t really possible given you were due 11/6.  Then 11/15 came and went...
Andrew will be 21 on Monday.  November 18th.  21.  21!  21?!
I really have a terrible memory.  But I can remember the day he was born, clearly.  I remember holding him for the first time (and thinking he had a big head... I had never really seen a baby’s head before).  I remember so many things I got to be a part of.  I grew up with Andrew.  We grew up together.  And now he’s the big teddy bear, far bigger than me, who’s hugs I live for and miss terribly while he’s away.
I wish you were here for his birthday.  I’m not sure what you would’ve done.  I try not to live every day wondering how it would be different if you were here, but special occasions are hard not to think that way.  I do know things would be different... better.  And I’m pretty certain Allan would’ve done something crazy ... Vegas?! A car?! Both?!
21 years of Andrew.  Thank you!  Thank you for giving me the best gift.  You gave me a love stronger and deeper than I can describe.  He was what I lived for at 10 years old and at 17 years old and at 26 years old and every day since.  Kerry, you made me an Aunt.  You gave me a full heart that has only gotten fuller over the years with Issac and Simon and the girls, whom I do believe you sent me.
I love you.  I miss you.

XO
me

The New Year shuffle

Kerr Bear,

I’m sitting on the floor by the cabinet which holds all of your entertaining stuff. I’m pulling out your linens & charger plates to use to set the table for tonight’s dinner.  Mom & Dad are visiting Issac at school and will get home late so I’m hosting.  I should be hosting.  You always did.  You always made a beautiful table.  Do I use your china or disposables?  We got dinner from Catering By Michael’s ... I think I can manage heating 🙂 I probably would’ve had fun cooking it all today but instead I’m going to drive to pickup the dessert in highland park, the bagels Simon wants for lunch in Northbrook, then the lunch for tomorrow & Tuesday also in Northbrook and dinner in Morton Grove and then the rest of the stuff from Jewel.  I’ll get flowers and make arrangements so it all looks nice.  Bottom line... I miss you.  I miss coming over to YOUR cooking and YOUR beautiful table in YOUR beautiful home.  I miss how the house smelled and how you smelled and how your cooking smelled.  I miss that no matter what had to come out of the oven or go in the oven, you’d stop to take a selfie with me.  I miss when holidays didn’t have the unspoken hole of “you’re not here” with it.  I love you.  I really hope it’s possible that you and Bubby are together.  That you get to have her dinner and her honey cake.  I hope Bubby & Uncle Aaron are screaming at each other and Papa’s quietly watching TV (drinking a Coke).  I really hope it’s possible.

I love you.
L’shana Tovah.

XO
Me