Kerr Bear,
I’m sitting on the floor by the cabinet which holds all of your entertaining stuff. I’m pulling out your linens & charger plates to use to set the table for tonight’s dinner. Mom & Dad are visiting Issac at school and will get home late so I’m hosting. I should be hosting. You always did. You always made a beautiful table. Do I use your china or disposables? We got dinner from Catering By Michael’s ... I think I can manage heating 🙂 I probably would’ve had fun cooking it all today but instead I’m going to drive to pickup the dessert in highland park, the bagels Simon wants for lunch in Northbrook, then the lunch for tomorrow & Tuesday also in Northbrook and dinner in Morton Grove and then the rest of the stuff from Jewel. I’ll get flowers and make arrangements so it all looks nice. Bottom line... I miss you. I miss coming over to YOUR cooking and YOUR beautiful table in YOUR beautiful home. I miss how the house smelled and how you smelled and how your cooking smelled. I miss that no matter what had to come out of the oven or go in the oven, you’d stop to take a selfie with me. I miss when holidays didn’t have the unspoken hole of “you’re not here” with it. I love you. I really hope it’s possible that you and Bubby are together. That you get to have her dinner and her honey cake. I hope Bubby & Uncle Aaron are screaming at each other and Papa’s quietly watching TV (drinking a Coke). I really hope it’s possible.
I love you.
L’shana Tovah.
XO
Me
Sunday, September 29, 2019
Sunday, August 18, 2019
It’s too quiet
Kerr,
It’s too quiet.
Andrew went to school last weekend. Issac left for school yesterday. Simon starts school Wednesday.
One by one, they’re going away.
I feel ... numb? Depressed. Sad.
The truth is, sharing life with the boys makes it a little easier not getting to share my life with you. And bottom line, they’re really a lot of fun, very funny, so kind and so sweet with the girls.
I am so excited for Andrew. A junior! What?! When did that happen. And he’s doing so well with school and friends and his fraternity. I’m still hoping he’ll study abroad second semester (and, yes, probably pushing it too much.)
Issac’s off to have the time of his life. I know he’ll do great. I miss him already. Not a lot of words here... it’s been a tough weekend.
Simon is all organized for school. It was cool hearing he has assigned a color per subject :) I did that my entire life and through college. I love how well he’s doing at school! And I cannot wait to see him kick ass on the football field.
I’ve said it before. I’m saying it again. Having all of the boys around fills my heart. I can’t wait for the joy I know thanksgiving week will bring.
101 days.
But who’s counting?!
Missing you and them terribly today.
XO
It’s too quiet.
Andrew went to school last weekend. Issac left for school yesterday. Simon starts school Wednesday.
One by one, they’re going away.
I feel ... numb? Depressed. Sad.
The truth is, sharing life with the boys makes it a little easier not getting to share my life with you. And bottom line, they’re really a lot of fun, very funny, so kind and so sweet with the girls.
I am so excited for Andrew. A junior! What?! When did that happen. And he’s doing so well with school and friends and his fraternity. I’m still hoping he’ll study abroad second semester (and, yes, probably pushing it too much.)
Issac’s off to have the time of his life. I know he’ll do great. I miss him already. Not a lot of words here... it’s been a tough weekend.
Simon is all organized for school. It was cool hearing he has assigned a color per subject :) I did that my entire life and through college. I love how well he’s doing at school! And I cannot wait to see him kick ass on the football field.
I’ve said it before. I’m saying it again. Having all of the boys around fills my heart. I can’t wait for the joy I know thanksgiving week will bring.
101 days.
But who’s counting?!
Missing you and them terribly today.
XO
Sunday, July 14, 2019
Rainman
dear Kerr,
It’s been 2 months since I’ve written you. 2 very busy months ... Issac’s high school graduation, our big Alaska trip, simons 15th birthday, Issac’s college graduation and Andrew being home for the summer (he’s going to be a junior)!
There are many things I want to tell you. Random thoughts. Big moments. But I haven’t found the time to write, or moreover, the time to be ready for a good cry. I always cry when I write you. But the other night while driving in the car (where I spend the most time thinking of you), a song came on. A song I’ve heard many times. For some strange reason, I really heard the words this time, got home and told Mac I missed you. Then began the big cry.. I miss you. It’s just plain and simple. I’m hoping you’ve seen and witnessed the last 2 months because all I’m writing to you now (as I watch Rainman for the first time ... I distinctly remember you citing it and quoting it on a few occasions) are some of the words from that song.
I love you!
Xo
It’s been 2 months since I’ve written you. 2 very busy months ... Issac’s high school graduation, our big Alaska trip, simons 15th birthday, Issac’s college graduation and Andrew being home for the summer (he’s going to be a junior)!
There are many things I want to tell you. Random thoughts. Big moments. But I haven’t found the time to write, or moreover, the time to be ready for a good cry. I always cry when I write you. But the other night while driving in the car (where I spend the most time thinking of you), a song came on. A song I’ve heard many times. For some strange reason, I really heard the words this time, got home and told Mac I missed you. Then began the big cry.. I miss you. It’s just plain and simple. I’m hoping you’ve seen and witnessed the last 2 months because all I’m writing to you now (as I watch Rainman for the first time ... I distinctly remember you citing it and quoting it on a few occasions) are some of the words from that song.
Well, they say people come
They say people go
This particular diamond was extra special
And though you might be gone, and the world may not know
Still I see you, celestial
They say people go
This particular diamond was extra special
And though you might be gone, and the world may not know
Still I see you, celestial
There's a light that you give me when I'm in shadow
There's a feeling within me, an everglow
There's a feeling within me, an everglow
And I know that you're with me and the way you will show
And you're with me wherever I go
And you give me this feeling, this everglow
And you're with me wherever I go
And you give me this feeling, this everglow
What I wouldn't give for just a moment to hold
Because, I live for this feeling, this everglow
Because, I live for this feeling, this everglow
So if you love someone, you should let them know
Oh, the light that you left me will everglow
Oh, the light that you left me will everglow
I love you!
Xo
Sunday, May 12, 2019
Gentlemen
kerr Bear,
Another mother’s day has come and gone without you. I want you to know, my day was made because of the boys. They are the ones who acknowledged the day for me. And isn’t that crazy?! These boys who have the right to hate the day and feel sad and angry and bitter woke up and wished me a happy mother’s day immediately! Gifts, flowers, texts and cards! It is so sweet, but it’s crazy that in a single moment of feeling so honored and loved, I can feel so sad. I feel so sad for them. I feel sad for mom. Mother’s Day is a day to cherish and honor your mom and feel grateful for your children. The boys don’t have that, and although mom has lance and Jordan and I and her many grandchildren, I know days like today emphasize the hole in her heart. You are who made her a mom and now you’re gone.
I’m writing you because I miss you. I’m also writing you just to make sure you’re reminded of the gentlemen you raised.
I wonder how we would’ve spent these days... bitching via texts, meeting up for meals, going to the spa together? Who knows...
It’s just that ... I feel so grateful I have my girls and they have me, but mother’s day just isn’t a lovely day. That may sound so negative, but you’re one of the best moms I’ve ever known and you’re not here for me to celebrate.
I have so many more things to tell you. Many more thoughts to share. I promise to write soon.
I love you.
Happy mother’s day, Kerr!
XO
Another mother’s day has come and gone without you. I want you to know, my day was made because of the boys. They are the ones who acknowledged the day for me. And isn’t that crazy?! These boys who have the right to hate the day and feel sad and angry and bitter woke up and wished me a happy mother’s day immediately! Gifts, flowers, texts and cards! It is so sweet, but it’s crazy that in a single moment of feeling so honored and loved, I can feel so sad. I feel so sad for them. I feel sad for mom. Mother’s Day is a day to cherish and honor your mom and feel grateful for your children. The boys don’t have that, and although mom has lance and Jordan and I and her many grandchildren, I know days like today emphasize the hole in her heart. You are who made her a mom and now you’re gone.
I’m writing you because I miss you. I’m also writing you just to make sure you’re reminded of the gentlemen you raised.
I wonder how we would’ve spent these days... bitching via texts, meeting up for meals, going to the spa together? Who knows...
It’s just that ... I feel so grateful I have my girls and they have me, but mother’s day just isn’t a lovely day. That may sound so negative, but you’re one of the best moms I’ve ever known and you’re not here for me to celebrate.
I have so many more things to tell you. Many more thoughts to share. I promise to write soon.
I love you.
Happy mother’s day, Kerr!
XO
Sunday, March 10, 2019
Remember Andrew’s 2nd Birthday Party?
Hi Kerr,
Do you remember Andrew’s 2nd birthday party? I’m sure you do. That morning I went with you to Deerfield’s Bakery to pick up the cake. I got sick in the car, but I wasn’t sick sick like with the flu... I was sad sick. Bubby had just died a month before and it felt so wrong to me that we were buying a cake and not going to have her triple layer insane yellow cake with chocolate filling and frosting. I was so sad it made me sick. I think I’m stronger now, mentally, so I’m fortunately not sick, but it’s a similar feeling ... it’s wrong that you’re not going to be here today. Every day is wrong without you. But these big milestones (or even the weird little ones like the girls first Valentine’s Day) feel extra wrong without you. Today is the girls’ first birthday party.
I’ve been wanting to write you over and over but haven’t. Then last night I was in the car. I had just dropped Simon off. On the way there, Chicago came on and I told him how Allan always quizzed me to make sure I knew when Chicago was singing. Once I dropped him off, “wind beneath my wings” came on. I started crying. Did I ever tell you you’re my hero, Kerry? You used to tell me that you were sad lance and Jordan and I were all out there with our own companies and we all had lived in apartments in the city and travelled and you didn’t. But ya know what Kerr, you started a life with the MOST meaning early on. You got to have Andrew and issac and Simon when you were young. You never regretted it for a second or wanted a different life, you just wished you had done some of what we did, but I always wanted to grow up and be you. Having the girls has shown me how much purpose and meaning each day can hold... you had that so early on! You were always my hero. A strong woman. An incredible mom. A heart of gold.
I want you to know the boys are great. I just started crying again at the thought of writing “issac is 18”. It breaks my heart that he’s 18. That kid has filled our life with so much happiness and humor and love and him being 18 means he’s going to go to college in the fall. (We don’t know where yet.). I seriously cannot imagine him away. I also feel like him being 18 means he doesn’t need me. That’s hard.
Andrew has such a good head on his shoulders. He has a job and is doing great at school and is just so well grounded. I wish he was home for the party but he deserves a fun break and is in Florida for spring break.
Simon is killing it in high school. I’m so proud of him! Bowling team, going out for football and fabulous grades. I get so excited to watch the girls with him. They light up around him; they love him so much.
I’ll miss you today, Kerr. And don’t worry... I got a 2 tier cake AND cupcakes because I was afraid we wouldn’t have enough dessert :)
XO
Me
Do you remember Andrew’s 2nd birthday party? I’m sure you do. That morning I went with you to Deerfield’s Bakery to pick up the cake. I got sick in the car, but I wasn’t sick sick like with the flu... I was sad sick. Bubby had just died a month before and it felt so wrong to me that we were buying a cake and not going to have her triple layer insane yellow cake with chocolate filling and frosting. I was so sad it made me sick. I think I’m stronger now, mentally, so I’m fortunately not sick, but it’s a similar feeling ... it’s wrong that you’re not going to be here today. Every day is wrong without you. But these big milestones (or even the weird little ones like the girls first Valentine’s Day) feel extra wrong without you. Today is the girls’ first birthday party.
I’ve been wanting to write you over and over but haven’t. Then last night I was in the car. I had just dropped Simon off. On the way there, Chicago came on and I told him how Allan always quizzed me to make sure I knew when Chicago was singing. Once I dropped him off, “wind beneath my wings” came on. I started crying. Did I ever tell you you’re my hero, Kerry? You used to tell me that you were sad lance and Jordan and I were all out there with our own companies and we all had lived in apartments in the city and travelled and you didn’t. But ya know what Kerr, you started a life with the MOST meaning early on. You got to have Andrew and issac and Simon when you were young. You never regretted it for a second or wanted a different life, you just wished you had done some of what we did, but I always wanted to grow up and be you. Having the girls has shown me how much purpose and meaning each day can hold... you had that so early on! You were always my hero. A strong woman. An incredible mom. A heart of gold.
I want you to know the boys are great. I just started crying again at the thought of writing “issac is 18”. It breaks my heart that he’s 18. That kid has filled our life with so much happiness and humor and love and him being 18 means he’s going to go to college in the fall. (We don’t know where yet.). I seriously cannot imagine him away. I also feel like him being 18 means he doesn’t need me. That’s hard.
Andrew has such a good head on his shoulders. He has a job and is doing great at school and is just so well grounded. I wish he was home for the party but he deserves a fun break and is in Florida for spring break.
Simon is killing it in high school. I’m so proud of him! Bowling team, going out for football and fabulous grades. I get so excited to watch the girls with him. They light up around him; they love him so much.
I’ll miss you today, Kerr. And don’t worry... I got a 2 tier cake AND cupcakes because I was afraid we wouldn’t have enough dessert :)
XO
Me
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
It’s not easier
Hi Kerr,
I’ve been wanting to write you for awhile. I’m not sure if I haven’t because life is busy or if it’s because I still just don’t want November 21st to be a reality. I have thought every year now that if I change my actions proceeding 11/21 then maybe the same things won’t happen that day. When I say it or write it, I know it sounds crazy, but if you think of Back To the Future, then it makes sense... sorta. Maybe I can change the past with my present actions. I know it can’t happen, but I so want it to. And I don’t think this is a sort of “I could’ve kept you from dying” way. No one could have. It’s not regret. It’s just hoping I can change the past. So, yes, I’ve been wanting to write for awhile ... so this may be rambly.
The thing is, it’s been 4 years but life’s not easier without you. It’s harder because you’re missing it all. Andrew’s 20 and thriving at school - nailing his fraternity’s philanthropy, working hard at school, and still being one awesome young man. He also got the cutest little puppy named Fenway! He’s a good dog dad. Issac is Harley’s faaaaaaaaavorite!! She’s sooo in love with him. He’s still your sweet, smart, big hearted boy. You would be stressed to the max though because he has only applied to Georgia (which I know he can get into) but woahhhhhh! We discussed how you’d be going crazy. Omg Simon is absolutely crushing high school. His grades are great, he made the bowling team (and looks so handsome in his jersey) and is going out for football next year (I know, I know... it’s scary but he’ll be alright). Simon absolutely addooorreees the girls and, if it’s possible, I think they adore him even more.
Andrew said something when we went to visit him a few weeks ago. He said he’s no longer anyone’s #1. Kids are their parents #1s. You’re both gone. I want to dispute his statement. I wanted to tell him how he became my #1, along with his brothers, each day they were born. Because it’s true... and you always knew it. I’ve always loved those boys like they were mine. I always said I’d easily take a bullet for them. It hasn’t changed. People ask me about kids I have and my family, etc. and I always say I have 8 month old twins and 3 teenage boys, my nephews (woah! Andrew’s not a teen.). But here’s the thing... I’m not going to dispute him. I’m not going to try to tell him all the reasons he’s wrong because he’s one of my #1s because he’s not wrong. He’s not wrong, deposite how I feel about him, because I may love him LIKE he’s my own, but he’s not. He’s yours and Allan’s. No one can replace you. No one can be his mom nor his dad or share in that love the same way. The reason I want to tell him he’s wrong is because I want him to be wrong. I want it to be wrong. I want you being gone not to be true.
It’s all not fair. And the girls will never know but they’ve been really cheated by not having their Auntie Kerry. You would’ve just been the end-all be-all Aunt. And the funny thing is, as much as you would’ve liked nieces (mostly buying them clothes & bows & taking them for manicures), I think Miles would’ve been your favorite. You loved your boys. You loved being a mom of boys. Miles would’ve held an extra special spot in your heart.
The bottom line is, I love you. I miss you and life just isn’t the same without; as much as I love our family and our home and the blessings I do have, I still know life would be better with you in it.
XOXO
Me
I’ve been wanting to write you for awhile. I’m not sure if I haven’t because life is busy or if it’s because I still just don’t want November 21st to be a reality. I have thought every year now that if I change my actions proceeding 11/21 then maybe the same things won’t happen that day. When I say it or write it, I know it sounds crazy, but if you think of Back To the Future, then it makes sense... sorta. Maybe I can change the past with my present actions. I know it can’t happen, but I so want it to. And I don’t think this is a sort of “I could’ve kept you from dying” way. No one could have. It’s not regret. It’s just hoping I can change the past. So, yes, I’ve been wanting to write for awhile ... so this may be rambly.
The thing is, it’s been 4 years but life’s not easier without you. It’s harder because you’re missing it all. Andrew’s 20 and thriving at school - nailing his fraternity’s philanthropy, working hard at school, and still being one awesome young man. He also got the cutest little puppy named Fenway! He’s a good dog dad. Issac is Harley’s faaaaaaaaavorite!! She’s sooo in love with him. He’s still your sweet, smart, big hearted boy. You would be stressed to the max though because he has only applied to Georgia (which I know he can get into) but woahhhhhh! We discussed how you’d be going crazy. Omg Simon is absolutely crushing high school. His grades are great, he made the bowling team (and looks so handsome in his jersey) and is going out for football next year (I know, I know... it’s scary but he’ll be alright). Simon absolutely addooorreees the girls and, if it’s possible, I think they adore him even more.
Andrew said something when we went to visit him a few weeks ago. He said he’s no longer anyone’s #1. Kids are their parents #1s. You’re both gone. I want to dispute his statement. I wanted to tell him how he became my #1, along with his brothers, each day they were born. Because it’s true... and you always knew it. I’ve always loved those boys like they were mine. I always said I’d easily take a bullet for them. It hasn’t changed. People ask me about kids I have and my family, etc. and I always say I have 8 month old twins and 3 teenage boys, my nephews (woah! Andrew’s not a teen.). But here’s the thing... I’m not going to dispute him. I’m not going to try to tell him all the reasons he’s wrong because he’s one of my #1s because he’s not wrong. He’s not wrong, deposite how I feel about him, because I may love him LIKE he’s my own, but he’s not. He’s yours and Allan’s. No one can replace you. No one can be his mom nor his dad or share in that love the same way. The reason I want to tell him he’s wrong is because I want him to be wrong. I want it to be wrong. I want you being gone not to be true.
It’s all not fair. And the girls will never know but they’ve been really cheated by not having their Auntie Kerry. You would’ve just been the end-all be-all Aunt. And the funny thing is, as much as you would’ve liked nieces (mostly buying them clothes & bows & taking them for manicures), I think Miles would’ve been your favorite. You loved your boys. You loved being a mom of boys. Miles would’ve held an extra special spot in your heart.
The bottom line is, I love you. I miss you and life just isn’t the same without; as much as I love our family and our home and the blessings I do have, I still know life would be better with you in it.
XOXO
Me
Monday, September 17, 2018
Lucky girls
Hi Kerr,
Today I had the best moment of my life, thus far. And I know these girls will continue to provide many more. Kenna & Harley were making each other laugh. They were talking to one another and belly-laughing. I’m still reveling in the feeling. I’m so happy and so in love with them. They’re so lucky to have one another. They’re each lucky to have a sister. I am lucky to have had you.
This past weekend I had a client’s wedding. Normally, speech time can pose its difficulties for me when the maid of honor is the bride’s sister. It wasn’t the case in this wedding and so I thought nothing of it, but the groom’s brother was his best man and gave the toast. He explained how they have a 12 year age gap... ironic (with 2 siblings in between). And that they only started to get close in recent years because what 18 year old wants to hang with a 6 year old? :) we started getting close when Andrew was born. I was 10. I got 26 years with you. 16 of which, you were my best friend.
The day we found out Kenna & Harley were girls, I knew you had a hand in it. You sent me sisters, and today I got to see their bond really begin to bloom. Having a sister is a bond no one can really describe and no one can really replace. I was lucky to have you. They’re lucky to have each other.
XO
Me
Today I had the best moment of my life, thus far. And I know these girls will continue to provide many more. Kenna & Harley were making each other laugh. They were talking to one another and belly-laughing. I’m still reveling in the feeling. I’m so happy and so in love with them. They’re so lucky to have one another. They’re each lucky to have a sister. I am lucky to have had you.
This past weekend I had a client’s wedding. Normally, speech time can pose its difficulties for me when the maid of honor is the bride’s sister. It wasn’t the case in this wedding and so I thought nothing of it, but the groom’s brother was his best man and gave the toast. He explained how they have a 12 year age gap... ironic (with 2 siblings in between). And that they only started to get close in recent years because what 18 year old wants to hang with a 6 year old? :) we started getting close when Andrew was born. I was 10. I got 26 years with you. 16 of which, you were my best friend.
The day we found out Kenna & Harley were girls, I knew you had a hand in it. You sent me sisters, and today I got to see their bond really begin to bloom. Having a sister is a bond no one can really describe and no one can really replace. I was lucky to have you. They’re lucky to have each other.
XO
Me
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