It’s not easier

Hi Kerr,

I’ve been wanting to write you for awhile.  I’m not sure if I haven’t because life is busy or if it’s because I still just don’t want November 21st to be a reality.  I have thought every year now that if I change my actions proceeding 11/21 then maybe the same things won’t happen that day.  When I say it or write it, I know it sounds crazy, but if you think of Back To the Future, then it makes sense... sorta.  Maybe I can change the past with my present actions.  I know it can’t happen, but I so want it to.  And I don’t think this is a sort of “I could’ve kept you from dying” way.  No one could have.  It’s not regret.  It’s just hoping I can change the past.   So, yes, I’ve been wanting to write for awhile ... so this may be rambly.
The thing is, it’s been 4 years but life’s not easier without you.  It’s harder because you’re missing  it all.  Andrew’s 20 and thriving at school - nailing  his fraternity’s philanthropy, working hard at school, and still being one awesome young man.  He also got the cutest little puppy named Fenway!  He’s a good dog dad.  Issac is Harley’s faaaaaaaaavorite!! She’s sooo in love with him.  He’s still your sweet, smart, big hearted boy.  You would be stressed to the max though because he has only applied to Georgia (which I know he can get into) but woahhhhhh!  We discussed how you’d be going crazy.  Omg Simon is absolutely crushing high school.  His grades are great, he made the bowling team (and looks so handsome in his jersey) and is going out for football next year (I know, I know... it’s scary but he’ll be alright).  Simon absolutely addooorreees the girls and, if it’s possible, I think they adore him even more.
Andrew said something when we went to visit him a few weeks ago.  He said he’s no longer anyone’s #1.  Kids are their parents #1s.  You’re both gone.  I want to dispute his statement.  I wanted to tell him how he became my #1, along with his brothers, each day they were born.  Because it’s true... and you always knew it.  I’ve always loved those boys like they were mine.  I always said I’d easily take a bullet for them.  It hasn’t changed.  People ask me about kids I have and my family, etc. and I always say I have 8 month old twins and 3 teenage boys, my nephews (woah!  Andrew’s not a teen.).  But here’s the thing... I’m not going to dispute him.  I’m not going to try to tell him all the reasons he’s wrong because he’s one of my #1s because he’s not wrong.  He’s not wrong, deposite how I feel about him, because I may love him LIKE he’s my own, but he’s not.  He’s yours and Allan’s.  No one can replace you.  No one can be his mom nor his dad or share in that love the same way.  The reason I want to tell him he’s wrong is because I want him to be wrong.  I want it to be wrong.  I want you being gone not to be true.
It’s all not fair.  And the girls will never know but they’ve been really cheated by not having their Auntie Kerry.   You would’ve just been the end-all be-all Aunt.  And the funny thing is, as much as you would’ve liked nieces (mostly buying them clothes & bows & taking them for manicures), I think Miles would’ve been your favorite.  You loved your boys.  You loved being a mom of boys.  Miles would’ve held an extra special spot in your heart.
The bottom line is, I love you.  I miss you and life just isn’t the same without; as much as I love our family and our home and the blessings I do have, I still know life would be better with you in it.
XOXO
Me