Hi Kerr,
Again, it's been awhile since I've written. And, again, it's not for the lack of wanting to. I thought things were busy before, but I don't think I knew what busy really was and... that's going to take on an entirely new definition, again, come spring. Mac and I are pregnant! With twins! I wish I knew what your reaction would've been... questioning me (like mom) "no? You're kidding..." or just non stop laughter or tears?! The best part is, your "aunt status" would've skyrocketed! Lance & Erin and Jordan & Jenna are having babies, too!!
Now, none of us have had babies and had you in our lives at the same time, but it's the one thing I really, truly, wish I had... you. Your insight, your reminders that you didn't know what you were doing when you had andrew and look at him now - he's a big thriving boy, your laughter, your love, your being in the delivery room (so long as you'd gotten past the fainting around medical stuff thing)... I miss you. I miss everything you brought to my life and everything you would've brought to it now. You would've been the best aunt ever. Hands down. No questions. (Even better than me hahahahahahah)
A few years ago, we were once talking about when I'd have babies, and I said well... you better hope I'm not pregnant at Simon's Bar Mitzvah. You asked why? And I said well... if it's too far along, I might not be so fabulous at getting his party together. Well... I think you had a hand in the timing. It took us 10 months to get pregnant, and of course, not without its complications but I seemed to have magically found out I was pregnant the week we started taking care of the boys and just a couple weeks before Simons bar mitzvah. His party rocked! But man oh man was I sick and tired :)
Do you also remember when I was little - somewhere between 10 and 16 - for some reason we were talking about maternity clothes. You told me that some day when I was pregnant I'd get to go shopping at pea in the pod because it's a store meant for people who were sticks before they got pregnant and I'm a skinny bitch... well despite my MAJOR anxiety over maternity clothes shopping, I went into pea in the pod and their stuff is super cute (and super expensive). The lady was showing me pants and said they ran from XS to XL but really just to large. I couldn't help but giggle... you were right. Skinny bitches. The pants fit pretty cute but I didn't get them. I promise, though, I'll get one thing from pea in the pod just to make you happy (and pissed).
My anxiety around shopping for clothes has been insane - yeah, I know... me.. the girl who never gets anxious about shopping. But it was. Ilyssa took me, though, to go shopping. She's been incredible. Since you died, we talk all the time. She's always just checking in. And since I got pregnant, she checks in every day. She knows what to say just like you... I vent about something and the response is spot on. Someone rear ends me (yup, my first car accident) and she tells me it'll all be okay but just see my dr to feel better. She's become my sister and it's been so comforting.
There's so much more I could tell you... Simon's bar mitzvah was insane. He did so well and is so poised. His speeches, haftorah, Torah, etc was all done with such confidence. Andrew is doing amazing at the university of Louisville - he's running to be on the board of his fraternity and getting great grades and happy and healthy. Issac is my little angel always being helpful and honest and respectful and funny and gearing up for ACT/SAT time. It's true that they grow up so fast...
I religiously watch this new show I think you'd LOVE! It's called "this is us". Last week's episode showed a character being present to watch her first grandchild come into the world, but she wished her husband would've been there. She said something that really rang true:
"And that's just something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. The happiest moments will also be a little sad."
It's true... time makes life without you "the norm". Life goes on and we go on and it becomes the reality that you're not going on with us, but the other truth is that I'll never stop wanting for you to be here. To be a part of everything special and even everything hard.
My babies will know you. They'll know their aunt. They'll know your love.
I love you
XO
Sunday, November 5, 2017
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Now and Forever
Hi Kerr Bear,
It's been a few months since I've written but not due to any lack of wanting to. Maybe I've started to believe you can see what's going on around here... or maybe it's just been busy ... but it's Mother's Day & I want to tell you about your boys.
Andrew went to prom last night!!! Prom! Andrew! He's 18.5 this week!!! He looked so handsome!!! I think he looks just like Allan. You would've been taking so many pictures!!! Issac and Simon looked nice and came with so we got good ones of the 3 of them. And Soph looked out of this world stunning. It's funny but I think she's a lot like you. She has the biggest heart, she's beautiful, and she has such confidence in how she carries herself. I love them together and loved seeing them off to prom. Earlier this week was varsity night for baseball. It was such an honor for andrew to ask me to walk him out to the field. I love that kid ❤️ He's just so kind and sweet and passionate and caring and when he smiles, he looks even more like Allan. Oh how I miss you both.
Issac keeps getting taller and bigger!! He's becoming such a man, too! Can you believe we'll go for his drivers license in a few weeks?! I just can't believe how quickly time is moving and how old they're getting. I feel like I was just going through ACT stuff with andrew and then college visits, but now Issac will be doing the same thing this coming year. Crazy. I worry about him, though. He's so smart and empathetic and truly wants to make everyone he cares about happy, but I want him to focus on his own happiness too. He's still so funny. Gosh - I just remember how he could always make you laugh.
Simon and I are doing well!! I feel like we got even closer this week. We keep making strides. It's hard... I'm sure it feels like I'm trying to replace you, but I never would want to. I never could, either. I just want so badly to help him. He's still so young but yet had so much life handed to him already. His bar mitzvah invitations went out last week. They say Simon Howie. Yup - not his name. (Even though that's what I told you I wanted... although, a different spelling - HOWWE). He decided he doesn't like Howard but likes Howie better. When I told him I didn't like the idea of putting a different name on the invitation than the one you and Allan gave him and that I thought you'd be upset,, he said he gets that but he would've worked you over eventually... that statement worked me over :) Simon Howie it is. I have his montage appointment in a month. I'll go to the house soon and get all of your well organized photo albums to start looking through. I don't think I'm going to use this song in the montage, but I keep coming back to "now and forever" by Carole king. The words just seem to ring true...
"We had a moment
Just one moment
That will last beyond a dream, beyond a lifetime
We are the lucky ones
Some people never get to do
All we got to do
Now and forever
I will always be with you"
You will always be with Simon. It's a fitting song, but I also connect with it.
I try to listen to those words and appreciate what we did have. Our bond was greater than what so many people share with their siblings or friends.
We just clicked.
We just for each other.
Oh how I miss you.
"I miss the tears
I miss the laughter
I miss the day we met and all that followed ever"
Today is your day. It's Mother's Day. And although you are not here, you live on in those boys. (But seriously, you do... andrew made Bub feel like crap about how she made you buy your own jeans!! It was great! He told the story just like you used to)
You are still the greatest mother ever. Every day they live just as you raised them to - they're good boys and it's because of you. So just like I used to write in the card I gave you every year on Mother's Day, "thanks for being the best mom for my nephews!"
Xoxo
"Now and forever
You are apart of me"
It's been a few months since I've written but not due to any lack of wanting to. Maybe I've started to believe you can see what's going on around here... or maybe it's just been busy ... but it's Mother's Day & I want to tell you about your boys.
Andrew went to prom last night!!! Prom! Andrew! He's 18.5 this week!!! He looked so handsome!!! I think he looks just like Allan. You would've been taking so many pictures!!! Issac and Simon looked nice and came with so we got good ones of the 3 of them. And Soph looked out of this world stunning. It's funny but I think she's a lot like you. She has the biggest heart, she's beautiful, and she has such confidence in how she carries herself. I love them together and loved seeing them off to prom. Earlier this week was varsity night for baseball. It was such an honor for andrew to ask me to walk him out to the field. I love that kid ❤️ He's just so kind and sweet and passionate and caring and when he smiles, he looks even more like Allan. Oh how I miss you both.
Issac keeps getting taller and bigger!! He's becoming such a man, too! Can you believe we'll go for his drivers license in a few weeks?! I just can't believe how quickly time is moving and how old they're getting. I feel like I was just going through ACT stuff with andrew and then college visits, but now Issac will be doing the same thing this coming year. Crazy. I worry about him, though. He's so smart and empathetic and truly wants to make everyone he cares about happy, but I want him to focus on his own happiness too. He's still so funny. Gosh - I just remember how he could always make you laugh.
Simon and I are doing well!! I feel like we got even closer this week. We keep making strides. It's hard... I'm sure it feels like I'm trying to replace you, but I never would want to. I never could, either. I just want so badly to help him. He's still so young but yet had so much life handed to him already. His bar mitzvah invitations went out last week. They say Simon Howie. Yup - not his name. (Even though that's what I told you I wanted... although, a different spelling - HOWWE). He decided he doesn't like Howard but likes Howie better. When I told him I didn't like the idea of putting a different name on the invitation than the one you and Allan gave him and that I thought you'd be upset,, he said he gets that but he would've worked you over eventually... that statement worked me over :) Simon Howie it is. I have his montage appointment in a month. I'll go to the house soon and get all of your well organized photo albums to start looking through. I don't think I'm going to use this song in the montage, but I keep coming back to "now and forever" by Carole king. The words just seem to ring true...
"We had a moment
Just one moment
That will last beyond a dream, beyond a lifetime
We are the lucky ones
Some people never get to do
All we got to do
Now and forever
I will always be with you"
You will always be with Simon. It's a fitting song, but I also connect with it.
I try to listen to those words and appreciate what we did have. Our bond was greater than what so many people share with their siblings or friends.
We just clicked.
We just for each other.
Oh how I miss you.
"I miss the tears
I miss the laughter
I miss the day we met and all that followed ever"
Today is your day. It's Mother's Day. And although you are not here, you live on in those boys. (But seriously, you do... andrew made Bub feel like crap about how she made you buy your own jeans!! It was great! He told the story just like you used to)
You are still the greatest mother ever. Every day they live just as you raised them to - they're good boys and it's because of you. So just like I used to write in the card I gave you every year on Mother's Day, "thanks for being the best mom for my nephews!"
Xoxo
"Now and forever
You are apart of me"
Monday, January 2, 2017
Happy 41st birthday, Kerr ❤
Happy birthday, KerrBear!
You should be 41 today. 41... it sounds old. I've been teasing Jordan because he's 31 and that sounds old. The number after hitting that "big" year actually sounds sooo much older to me. It's been fun to tease Jordan that he's now soooo old. It makes me sad that I can't tease you, too. So many people try to avoid growing old by covering up wrinkles or what not but I think growing old is such a prrivledge. It means you've lived and loved another day. It means you had another day of creating memories and moments with friends and family. You should be growing old with us.
It's 2017. I felt sad as the clock struck midnight. Another new year. Another year without new memories with you.
Big things in 2017:
- Zion's bar mitzvah is this month! I have this feeling that he's going to just blow us away and be the most amazing shining star on the bimah. Jordan and I have planned a great party - you'd love it. Very relaxed and tons of fun. Zion looks so much like steve as he's getting older, but still has Micki's eyes. He's really becoming a young man.
- Simons bar mitzvah is this year! It will be hard. A boy should have his parents at his bar mitzvah. Period. He will have a LOT of love, though. I hope for him they'll be a moment ... a moment when he's on the bimah that he can feel your presence and Allan's presence. I haven't been one with deep faith lately, but I do hope and pray that Simon gets a sense of your pride and joy that day. I know you'd be so proud of your baby boy.
- issac turns 16! What a big year! The funny thing is, it's not hard to believe. Issac looks like such a man!!! I looked at a pic of him from NYE and thought, woah! He's such a man!! He is so tall and not skinny issac anymore ... he is big and muscular now like andrew. He'll be going into his junior year this fall. I'm now a pro on ACTs and college visits so we're good! :)
- andrew goes to college this year. Drumroll..... he's going to be a cardinal at the university of Louisville! I'm so so so proud of him! He has really done so well at GBN and did so well on his ACTs. He's focused himself academically, socially, and professionally and is excelling in all categories. He got into all 4 colleges he applied to and took his decision seriously. Dropping him off at school is going to be so hard!!!!!! I'm so glad he's just an easy drive away. You raised such a good boy.
We're going to the cemetery today to visit the plaque. The boys joked we should bring balloons like when you went for Allan's birthday. I like that they have the same sense of humor we did. Simon asked if we could go today. Today will be the third day this week I get to see Simon and I'm so excited. Any day I see the boys, I feel better. They've always had my heart, but since you passed, they hold my heart together. On days when I see Simon and we get along well, it's like I have a skip in my step. I'm not always his favorite person so when we get along, it means so much to me.
I miss you, Kerr. I miss you every day. I miss you all day.
Happy birthday. I want to believe you can see this blog. I want to believe you're well. I want to believe you're celebrating with the fam up there.
xo
Me
You should be 41 today. 41... it sounds old. I've been teasing Jordan because he's 31 and that sounds old. The number after hitting that "big" year actually sounds sooo much older to me. It's been fun to tease Jordan that he's now soooo old. It makes me sad that I can't tease you, too. So many people try to avoid growing old by covering up wrinkles or what not but I think growing old is such a prrivledge. It means you've lived and loved another day. It means you had another day of creating memories and moments with friends and family. You should be growing old with us.
It's 2017. I felt sad as the clock struck midnight. Another new year. Another year without new memories with you.
Big things in 2017:
- Zion's bar mitzvah is this month! I have this feeling that he's going to just blow us away and be the most amazing shining star on the bimah. Jordan and I have planned a great party - you'd love it. Very relaxed and tons of fun. Zion looks so much like steve as he's getting older, but still has Micki's eyes. He's really becoming a young man.
- Simons bar mitzvah is this year! It will be hard. A boy should have his parents at his bar mitzvah. Period. He will have a LOT of love, though. I hope for him they'll be a moment ... a moment when he's on the bimah that he can feel your presence and Allan's presence. I haven't been one with deep faith lately, but I do hope and pray that Simon gets a sense of your pride and joy that day. I know you'd be so proud of your baby boy.
- issac turns 16! What a big year! The funny thing is, it's not hard to believe. Issac looks like such a man!!! I looked at a pic of him from NYE and thought, woah! He's such a man!! He is so tall and not skinny issac anymore ... he is big and muscular now like andrew. He'll be going into his junior year this fall. I'm now a pro on ACTs and college visits so we're good! :)
- andrew goes to college this year. Drumroll..... he's going to be a cardinal at the university of Louisville! I'm so so so proud of him! He has really done so well at GBN and did so well on his ACTs. He's focused himself academically, socially, and professionally and is excelling in all categories. He got into all 4 colleges he applied to and took his decision seriously. Dropping him off at school is going to be so hard!!!!!! I'm so glad he's just an easy drive away. You raised such a good boy.
We're going to the cemetery today to visit the plaque. The boys joked we should bring balloons like when you went for Allan's birthday. I like that they have the same sense of humor we did. Simon asked if we could go today. Today will be the third day this week I get to see Simon and I'm so excited. Any day I see the boys, I feel better. They've always had my heart, but since you passed, they hold my heart together. On days when I see Simon and we get along well, it's like I have a skip in my step. I'm not always his favorite person so when we get along, it means so much to me.
I miss you, Kerr. I miss you every day. I miss you all day.
Happy birthday. I want to believe you can see this blog. I want to believe you're well. I want to believe you're celebrating with the fam up there.
xo
Me
Thursday, November 24, 2016
Thankful for you ❤️
Hi Kerr,
Timehop ... it's a pretty cool app but today it wasn't as fun. Today, thanksgiving, a day when most are happy and indulgent, I woke up to memories of the day we said goodbye to you. 2 years ago today. One of the hardest days of my life... second to the day you died. The interesting thing, though, as I read through all of the comments made on a photo I posted that day, was the memories of how much love and support we received and continue to receive. There were something like 400 people at your service and they came to the house and continued to send dinners to the boys and continued to check in. On a day when it can be easy to feel not so thankful if you focus on all of the sadness, timehop found me a silver lining.
I'm thankful for who you were - you had the biggest heart always caring about others and doing for others first. You had the warnest home! Always so decorated for each holiday and so inviting - such a happy place. You had such a unique personality. Few people actually have the ability to give zero fucks if someone doesn't like their honesty or their true colors, but you did. You wore your heart on your sleeve and said what you wanted when you wanted and lived with conviction... 400 people showed up for your service because you were so unique and so warm and so loving. I'm thankful for all you gave me in the 26 years we had together - you gave me someone to admire and aspire to be. You showed me how to be a sister, a daughter, a mom and a friend. I'm so thankful for the bond we shared and I'm especially thankful for the boys ... the greatest gift you could have ever given me ... ever.
Andrew. He got into ALL 4 COLLEGES HE APPLIED TO!!!!!!!! That kid has worked so hard to be an incredible student, teammate, brother, cousin, nephew, grandson, boyfriend and friend. He's just such a gentle giant growing more and more like Allan every day. We took him to Canada for his 18th birthday so he could gamble and drink. He gambles like you and Allan & did very well!!! Lance and jordan taught him how to make fun of mom ... epic. The best part is, he's blush doing it because he's not good at being mean :) he hasn't decided where he's going to school yet - I'll keep you posted. All I can say is dropping him off will be sooooo hard.
Fletchy. Such a kind boy. He's 15 and I think it's a little difficult right now ... battling being such a good kid with the ability to get into trouble. There's drinking and smoking and he's still staying strong -being a good young man. He takes pride in getting good grades, in being a good friend and in being a source of strength for his friends. I can't believe how tall and strong he's getting!! To look back at photos and watch how he's changed and grown is incredible.
Simon oh Simon. I love him so. We have our good days and our bad days. He doesn't always want to hug me or even talk to me but I also know it's a huge sign of conviction. He can make up his mind and stick to it like no one I've ever seen. And he can make me happier than almost no one I've ever seen. When Simon shows me love, my heart lights up!
Zion will be bar mitzvahed in 2 months!! I just sent his invites out. He's been working very hard on his Torah portion and I know he's going to do so well! I'm low on his list of favorites ... I represent discipline and rules to him - zero fun. I always think that one day he'll love me and know I was strict because I thought it was the best for him. He's so smart and I just want him to have the best he can.
Im hosting thanksgiving today. I'm still lying in bed ... haven't setup the tables yet or cooked what I'm responsible for yet (your corn soufle, green bean casserole, crescent rolls, cranberries and stuffed mushrooms). The house doesn't have any festive thanksgiving things like you would've had. One day I will! Right now home stores are too overwhelming. Decorating a house is overwhelming!!! I do have your table linens and napkin rings, though. We used them on rosh hashana and I'll use them today. They make it feel more like fall. I also made pretty cool floral arrangements for the tables.
I miss you today. I miss you every day. Today is hard and harder than some, but today I want to feel thankful. I'm thankful we had the sister bond and friendship we did and one I can carry with me forever. I'm thankful for my nephews - my heart and soul. I'm thankful for mac and what a good man he is. I'm thankful for our family and the love we share.
I really hope you get to have Bubbys turkey and stuffing today - hers has always been the best.
xoxo always
me
Timehop ... it's a pretty cool app but today it wasn't as fun. Today, thanksgiving, a day when most are happy and indulgent, I woke up to memories of the day we said goodbye to you. 2 years ago today. One of the hardest days of my life... second to the day you died. The interesting thing, though, as I read through all of the comments made on a photo I posted that day, was the memories of how much love and support we received and continue to receive. There were something like 400 people at your service and they came to the house and continued to send dinners to the boys and continued to check in. On a day when it can be easy to feel not so thankful if you focus on all of the sadness, timehop found me a silver lining.
I'm thankful for who you were - you had the biggest heart always caring about others and doing for others first. You had the warnest home! Always so decorated for each holiday and so inviting - such a happy place. You had such a unique personality. Few people actually have the ability to give zero fucks if someone doesn't like their honesty or their true colors, but you did. You wore your heart on your sleeve and said what you wanted when you wanted and lived with conviction... 400 people showed up for your service because you were so unique and so warm and so loving. I'm thankful for all you gave me in the 26 years we had together - you gave me someone to admire and aspire to be. You showed me how to be a sister, a daughter, a mom and a friend. I'm so thankful for the bond we shared and I'm especially thankful for the boys ... the greatest gift you could have ever given me ... ever.
Andrew. He got into ALL 4 COLLEGES HE APPLIED TO!!!!!!!! That kid has worked so hard to be an incredible student, teammate, brother, cousin, nephew, grandson, boyfriend and friend. He's just such a gentle giant growing more and more like Allan every day. We took him to Canada for his 18th birthday so he could gamble and drink. He gambles like you and Allan & did very well!!! Lance and jordan taught him how to make fun of mom ... epic. The best part is, he's blush doing it because he's not good at being mean :) he hasn't decided where he's going to school yet - I'll keep you posted. All I can say is dropping him off will be sooooo hard.
Fletchy. Such a kind boy. He's 15 and I think it's a little difficult right now ... battling being such a good kid with the ability to get into trouble. There's drinking and smoking and he's still staying strong -being a good young man. He takes pride in getting good grades, in being a good friend and in being a source of strength for his friends. I can't believe how tall and strong he's getting!! To look back at photos and watch how he's changed and grown is incredible.
Simon oh Simon. I love him so. We have our good days and our bad days. He doesn't always want to hug me or even talk to me but I also know it's a huge sign of conviction. He can make up his mind and stick to it like no one I've ever seen. And he can make me happier than almost no one I've ever seen. When Simon shows me love, my heart lights up!
Zion will be bar mitzvahed in 2 months!! I just sent his invites out. He's been working very hard on his Torah portion and I know he's going to do so well! I'm low on his list of favorites ... I represent discipline and rules to him - zero fun. I always think that one day he'll love me and know I was strict because I thought it was the best for him. He's so smart and I just want him to have the best he can.
Im hosting thanksgiving today. I'm still lying in bed ... haven't setup the tables yet or cooked what I'm responsible for yet (your corn soufle, green bean casserole, crescent rolls, cranberries and stuffed mushrooms). The house doesn't have any festive thanksgiving things like you would've had. One day I will! Right now home stores are too overwhelming. Decorating a house is overwhelming!!! I do have your table linens and napkin rings, though. We used them on rosh hashana and I'll use them today. They make it feel more like fall. I also made pretty cool floral arrangements for the tables.
I miss you today. I miss you every day. Today is hard and harder than some, but today I want to feel thankful. I'm thankful we had the sister bond and friendship we did and one I can carry with me forever. I'm thankful for my nephews - my heart and soul. I'm thankful for mac and what a good man he is. I'm thankful for our family and the love we share.
I really hope you get to have Bubbys turkey and stuffing today - hers has always been the best.
xoxo always
me
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
We bought a house...
Hi Kerr,
I'm sitting in my new kitchen (built in bench seating) while 2 men are assembling our new furniture. I have a cup of tea next to me because, of course, in the middle of moving, I'm having an awful sinus/allergy issue and my back is out... But I'm happy. I was sitting here thinking about the happy memories Mac and I will create here, and I wished you'd be apart of them.
Jenna came by yesterday. Can you believe she'll be a kindergarten teacher at the k-2 school my kids will go to?! Makes me think her job and our house were all meant to be. She was looking at all of the light fixtures and said you'd love them. It's true. They have hanging crystals and are modern just like your kitchen.
You'd love everything about the house, but mostly, you would've loved me being closer to you. The big boys came yesterday to help unload the truck. They're amazing. You'd love how goofy they are (and you'd hate it and freak when they get annoying which would probably just cause them to burst out laughing).
I'm going to host rosh hashanah this year. And probably kol nidre or break the fast. Whatever mom wants. She doesn't like having the holidays anymore.... Especially what you would've hosted. Michelle was excited when she found out we we're moving to the burbs because last year she had both nights - we went by her for the second. I'm imagining where I'll put the buffet table and an additional kids table. It's nice we'll have the space. I always said I'd never host and that you'd get to do it forever. I imagined that maybe I'd have to once you were gone later in life, but I'd be so old by then that (1) I'd be mature enough to do it or (2) we'd eat out. :-)
I guess that time has come quicker than I'd ever imagined....
I miss you so terribly. With every new adventure in life or every turn or even every lame or shallow update, I wish you were there... To text, to call, to see.... There are days it seems to get harder, not easier, because it's proof you won't be apart of whatever I wanted and needed you for. Kelly (elyses daughter) had a baby boy! The bris was very nice but very hard. While attending, it really dawned on me that you won't be around for my kids. That they won't know the worlds best aunt. You won't be there to calm me down while I'm psycho during pregnancy and labor and raising children.... Oh how I miss you.
I love that now I'm closer to the boys. I love that you'd love our new house. I can't wait to feel you here and have you help make it a home.
Missing you always,
Me
Xo
I'm sitting in my new kitchen (built in bench seating) while 2 men are assembling our new furniture. I have a cup of tea next to me because, of course, in the middle of moving, I'm having an awful sinus/allergy issue and my back is out... But I'm happy. I was sitting here thinking about the happy memories Mac and I will create here, and I wished you'd be apart of them.
Jenna came by yesterday. Can you believe she'll be a kindergarten teacher at the k-2 school my kids will go to?! Makes me think her job and our house were all meant to be. She was looking at all of the light fixtures and said you'd love them. It's true. They have hanging crystals and are modern just like your kitchen.
You'd love everything about the house, but mostly, you would've loved me being closer to you. The big boys came yesterday to help unload the truck. They're amazing. You'd love how goofy they are (and you'd hate it and freak when they get annoying which would probably just cause them to burst out laughing).
I'm going to host rosh hashanah this year. And probably kol nidre or break the fast. Whatever mom wants. She doesn't like having the holidays anymore.... Especially what you would've hosted. Michelle was excited when she found out we we're moving to the burbs because last year she had both nights - we went by her for the second. I'm imagining where I'll put the buffet table and an additional kids table. It's nice we'll have the space. I always said I'd never host and that you'd get to do it forever. I imagined that maybe I'd have to once you were gone later in life, but I'd be so old by then that (1) I'd be mature enough to do it or (2) we'd eat out. :-)
I guess that time has come quicker than I'd ever imagined....
I miss you so terribly. With every new adventure in life or every turn or even every lame or shallow update, I wish you were there... To text, to call, to see.... There are days it seems to get harder, not easier, because it's proof you won't be apart of whatever I wanted and needed you for. Kelly (elyses daughter) had a baby boy! The bris was very nice but very hard. While attending, it really dawned on me that you won't be around for my kids. That they won't know the worlds best aunt. You won't be there to calm me down while I'm psycho during pregnancy and labor and raising children.... Oh how I miss you.
I love that now I'm closer to the boys. I love that you'd love our new house. I can't wait to feel you here and have you help make it a home.
Missing you always,
Me
Xo
Friday, May 6, 2016
A Full Heart
Hi Kerr,
It's been awhile since I posted. I actually was talking with Andrew a couple of weeks ago about feeling like I haven't been dealing with my emotions of not having you, lately. Dumbass BLueCross dropped me from their insurance and my new one doesn't consider my therapist in network so no more therapy for me (and no, I don't want to find a new therapist that is in-network. I liked Katie!). Andrew asked about my blogging as an outlet and said I hadn't posted in awhile... What a mature kid!
Well I was wanting to write to you this week.
it's Mother's Day on Sunday. Last year, Mother's Day weekend was the hardest weekend for me since the day you passed. The Saturday of Mother's Day weekend 2015 was my first wedding shower, and in fact, my first wedding festivity, without you. It was so difficult for me. I could barely get myself together to go and cried the rest of the day. It was beautiful, but without you, I felt empty. That day I heard "photograph" by Ed Sheeran for the first time. Okay, so interesting story... And honestly, I may have written about it before but as you know, we retell stories in this family :) the night before the shower, we went to Lou Malnatis to celebrate lances birthday. Dad told me he heard the song him and mom were going to dance to at my wedding. I was like (a) you and mom don't have a special dance at my wedding and (b) what song? He said that Ed Sheeran one and I thought he was talking about a different one than he was ("thinking out loud") So I squashed that. Fast forward to the next morning. I scheduled showings for the morning of my shower - yeah, I'm an idiot. The second I finished them and parted ways with my client, I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. I came home, started crying again. I couldn't get myself together to put on makeup and get ready for the shower. I text dad and said I needed to feel you with me. I couldn't do it all without you. He told me to stop trying so hard, you were at your manicure and would be with me shortly. I got myself together, got in the car and started rushing to the shower because I was running lAte. When I got in the car, and turned on the radio, "photograph" by Ed sheeran came on. And there you were. It now made sense to me that THiS was the song dad was talking about. "We keep this love in a photograph... " and then I heard the verse that really clinched it. I was wearing the gold diamond heart necklace of yours. I took it for Maggie's wedding but didn't give it back :) I wanted to have something of yours on me so I was wearing it. "You can fit me inside the necklace you got when you were 16 next to your heartbeat where I should be, keep it deep within your soul". I knew you were with me. The shower was beautiful! Spent the day celebrating and on the drive home, cried hysterically again. You leave such a hole that can't be filled. I woke up the next morning on Mother's Day instantly full of tears streaming down my face. I was running so late to pickup the boys for brunch at J&Js because I, once again, couldn't get my shit together. Walking into the house, I lost it again because the boys had gotten me flowers, a card, a jewelry box and a bracket to thank me for all I do for them. I don't think they'll ever know quite what that meant to me.
I also wanted to write you this week because I'm looking after the boys this weekend. Steve is headed to Vegas on a much needed getaway. I text the boys yesterday to say we should do a movie tonight and dinner Saturday and Sunday we have Mother's Day bowling brunch and Saturday they have games so it would be a full weekend. I was text back with "I'll be at my friends all weekend" "I have plans with friends" "my games will go long" etc. the boys are growing up!!!! They have friends and their own plans. It made me remember the times I would watch the kids when you'd go out of town and you'd have 5 page long notes for me on everywhere they needed to be and when. It definitely was busy. This weekend, I was afraid of being lonely. Well you must've had a hand in something because then I got a text asking if we could do a movie tonight and tomorrow! They want to hang with me!!!!! Feeling the love from those boys and having them in my life does truly make my heart full.
I miss you every day. I miss you especially this weekend.
Xoxo
Me
It's been awhile since I posted. I actually was talking with Andrew a couple of weeks ago about feeling like I haven't been dealing with my emotions of not having you, lately. Dumbass BLueCross dropped me from their insurance and my new one doesn't consider my therapist in network so no more therapy for me (and no, I don't want to find a new therapist that is in-network. I liked Katie!). Andrew asked about my blogging as an outlet and said I hadn't posted in awhile... What a mature kid!
Well I was wanting to write to you this week.
it's Mother's Day on Sunday. Last year, Mother's Day weekend was the hardest weekend for me since the day you passed. The Saturday of Mother's Day weekend 2015 was my first wedding shower, and in fact, my first wedding festivity, without you. It was so difficult for me. I could barely get myself together to go and cried the rest of the day. It was beautiful, but without you, I felt empty. That day I heard "photograph" by Ed Sheeran for the first time. Okay, so interesting story... And honestly, I may have written about it before but as you know, we retell stories in this family :) the night before the shower, we went to Lou Malnatis to celebrate lances birthday. Dad told me he heard the song him and mom were going to dance to at my wedding. I was like (a) you and mom don't have a special dance at my wedding and (b) what song? He said that Ed Sheeran one and I thought he was talking about a different one than he was ("thinking out loud") So I squashed that. Fast forward to the next morning. I scheduled showings for the morning of my shower - yeah, I'm an idiot. The second I finished them and parted ways with my client, I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. I came home, started crying again. I couldn't get myself together to put on makeup and get ready for the shower. I text dad and said I needed to feel you with me. I couldn't do it all without you. He told me to stop trying so hard, you were at your manicure and would be with me shortly. I got myself together, got in the car and started rushing to the shower because I was running lAte. When I got in the car, and turned on the radio, "photograph" by Ed sheeran came on. And there you were. It now made sense to me that THiS was the song dad was talking about. "We keep this love in a photograph... " and then I heard the verse that really clinched it. I was wearing the gold diamond heart necklace of yours. I took it for Maggie's wedding but didn't give it back :) I wanted to have something of yours on me so I was wearing it. "You can fit me inside the necklace you got when you were 16 next to your heartbeat where I should be, keep it deep within your soul". I knew you were with me. The shower was beautiful! Spent the day celebrating and on the drive home, cried hysterically again. You leave such a hole that can't be filled. I woke up the next morning on Mother's Day instantly full of tears streaming down my face. I was running so late to pickup the boys for brunch at J&Js because I, once again, couldn't get my shit together. Walking into the house, I lost it again because the boys had gotten me flowers, a card, a jewelry box and a bracket to thank me for all I do for them. I don't think they'll ever know quite what that meant to me.
I also wanted to write you this week because I'm looking after the boys this weekend. Steve is headed to Vegas on a much needed getaway. I text the boys yesterday to say we should do a movie tonight and dinner Saturday and Sunday we have Mother's Day bowling brunch and Saturday they have games so it would be a full weekend. I was text back with "I'll be at my friends all weekend" "I have plans with friends" "my games will go long" etc. the boys are growing up!!!! They have friends and their own plans. It made me remember the times I would watch the kids when you'd go out of town and you'd have 5 page long notes for me on everywhere they needed to be and when. It definitely was busy. This weekend, I was afraid of being lonely. Well you must've had a hand in something because then I got a text asking if we could do a movie tonight and tomorrow! They want to hang with me!!!!! Feeling the love from those boys and having them in my life does truly make my heart full.
I miss you every day. I miss you especially this weekend.
Xoxo
Me
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Happy Valentine's Day, Valentine!
Hi Kerr bear -
I haven't written in awhile... But as I drove to the boys today, I felt like writing to update you. It's very fitting - today is still our day. I've got 2 dozen donuts and heart shaped boxes of chocolate sitting next to me :)
Andrew looks more like Allan every day. You'd love how much of a giant he is - so tall & strong. He is definitely a Klein boy raised by you... Him and Soph took the act last weekend (yeah - I know ... I'm freaking out about him leaving me for college). Soph was feeling stressed so he bought her flowers. Good boy! I know you're so proud.
I swear to gd Issac is 6'3"! We'll find out at his doctor appointment tomorrow. He's as sweet and as sensitive as always ... I hope no one ever stifles his ability to be so loving.
Zion has glasses! He looks so cute - they're very fitting. His bar mitzvah is in less than a year. I think I've got the plan figured out ... I need you.
Simon made the volleyball team! He had his first game on Thursday and did really well! (I couldn't go but he had quite the entourage - bub, Issac, Andrew, Soph and Amy ... They face timed me in)
We love you. I wish I had an address to send you flowers.
Xoxo love always (especially today)
ME
I haven't written in awhile... But as I drove to the boys today, I felt like writing to update you. It's very fitting - today is still our day. I've got 2 dozen donuts and heart shaped boxes of chocolate sitting next to me :)
Andrew looks more like Allan every day. You'd love how much of a giant he is - so tall & strong. He is definitely a Klein boy raised by you... Him and Soph took the act last weekend (yeah - I know ... I'm freaking out about him leaving me for college). Soph was feeling stressed so he bought her flowers. Good boy! I know you're so proud.
I swear to gd Issac is 6'3"! We'll find out at his doctor appointment tomorrow. He's as sweet and as sensitive as always ... I hope no one ever stifles his ability to be so loving.
Zion has glasses! He looks so cute - they're very fitting. His bar mitzvah is in less than a year. I think I've got the plan figured out ... I need you.
Simon made the volleyball team! He had his first game on Thursday and did really well! (I couldn't go but he had quite the entourage - bub, Issac, Andrew, Soph and Amy ... They face timed me in)
We love you. I wish I had an address to send you flowers.
Xoxo love always (especially today)
ME
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)