A Full Heart

Hi Kerr,

It's been awhile since I posted.  I actually was talking with Andrew a couple of weeks ago about feeling like I haven't been dealing with my emotions of not having you, lately.  Dumbass BLueCross dropped me from their insurance and my new one doesn't consider my therapist in network so no more therapy for me (and no, I don't want to find a new therapist that is in-network.  I liked Katie!).  Andrew asked about my blogging as an outlet and said I hadn't posted in awhile... What a mature kid!

Well I was wanting to write to you this week.

 it's Mother's Day on Sunday.  Last year, Mother's Day weekend was the hardest weekend for me since the day you passed.  The Saturday of Mother's Day weekend 2015 was my first wedding shower, and in fact, my first wedding festivity, without you.  It was so difficult for me.  I could barely get myself together to go and cried the rest of the day.  It was beautiful, but without you, I felt empty.  That day I heard "photograph" by Ed Sheeran for the first time.  Okay, so interesting story... And honestly, I may have written about it before but as you know, we retell stories in this family :) the night before the shower, we went to Lou Malnatis to celebrate lances birthday.  Dad told me he heard the song him and mom were going to dance to at my wedding.  I was like (a) you and mom don't have a special dance at my wedding and (b) what song?  He said that Ed Sheeran one and I thought he was talking about a different one than he was ("thinking out loud") So I squashed that.  Fast forward to the next morning.  I scheduled showings for the morning of my shower - yeah, I'm an idiot.  The second I finished them and parted ways with my client, I lost it.  I couldn't stop crying.  I came home, started crying again.  I couldn't get myself together to put on makeup and get ready for the shower.  I text dad and said I needed to feel you with me.  I couldn't do it all without you.  He told me to stop trying so hard, you were at your manicure and would be with me shortly.  I got myself together, got in the car and started rushing to the shower because I was running lAte.  When I got in the car, and turned on the radio, "photograph" by Ed sheeran came on.  And there you were.  It now made sense to me that THiS was the song dad was talking about.  "We keep this love in a photograph... " and then I heard the verse that really clinched it.  I was wearing the gold diamond heart necklace of yours.  I took it for Maggie's wedding but didn't give it back :) I wanted to have something of yours on me so I was wearing it.  "You can fit me inside the necklace you got when you were 16 next to your heartbeat where I should be, keep it deep within your soul".  I knew you were with me.  The shower was beautiful!  Spent the day celebrating and on the drive home, cried hysterically again.  You leave such a hole that can't be filled.  I woke up the next morning on Mother's Day instantly full of tears streaming down my face.  I was running so late to pickup the boys for brunch at J&Js because I, once again, couldn't get my shit together.  Walking into the house, I lost it again because the boys had gotten me flowers, a card, a jewelry box and a bracket to thank me for all I do for them.  I don't think they'll ever know quite what that meant to me.

I also wanted to write you this week because I'm looking after the boys this weekend.  Steve is headed to Vegas on a much needed getaway.  I text the boys yesterday to say we should do a movie tonight and dinner Saturday and Sunday we have Mother's Day bowling brunch and Saturday they have games so it would be a full weekend.  I was text back with "I'll be at my friends all weekend" "I have plans with friends" "my games will go long" etc.  the boys are growing up!!!! They have friends and their own plans.  It made me remember the times I would watch the kids when you'd go out of town and you'd have 5 page long notes for me on everywhere they needed to be and when.  It definitely was busy.  This weekend, I was afraid of being lonely.  Well you must've had a hand in something because then I got a text asking if we could do a movie tonight and tomorrow! They want to hang with me!!!!! Feeling the love from those boys and having them in my life does truly make my heart full.

I miss you every day.  I miss you especially this weekend.
Xoxo
Me