Hi Kerr bear -
I haven't written in awhile... But as I drove to the boys today, I felt like writing to update you. It's very fitting - today is still our day. I've got 2 dozen donuts and heart shaped boxes of chocolate sitting next to me :)
Andrew looks more like Allan every day. You'd love how much of a giant he is - so tall & strong. He is definitely a Klein boy raised by you... Him and Soph took the act last weekend (yeah - I know ... I'm freaking out about him leaving me for college). Soph was feeling stressed so he bought her flowers. Good boy! I know you're so proud.
I swear to gd Issac is 6'3"! We'll find out at his doctor appointment tomorrow. He's as sweet and as sensitive as always ... I hope no one ever stifles his ability to be so loving.
Zion has glasses! He looks so cute - they're very fitting. His bar mitzvah is in less than a year. I think I've got the plan figured out ... I need you.
Simon made the volleyball team! He had his first game on Thursday and did really well! (I couldn't go but he had quite the entourage - bub, Issac, Andrew, Soph and Amy ... They face timed me in)
We love you. I wish I had an address to send you flowers.
Xoxo love always (especially today)
ME
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Always our favorite
Dear Kerr,
My timehop app was very bittersweet today. It pulled up every time I wished you happy birthday on Facebook. The last time was wishing you an incredible year of health and happiness, and then of course, last year... The first time I wished you happy birthday without you really turning 39.
5 years ago, Jordan's status was "happy birthday to my favorite sister Kerry Klein Butman, sorry Tessi Neuhauser". The post made me smile. The truth is, you were everyone's favorite whatever - favorite sister, friend, daughter, wife, mother, aunt. You were really someone special, someone unique. Since you were young (and had to take care of me all the time :-) you always put people before you. You wanted everyone to be happy. I really think you were just like Bubby in that way. Caring for everyone and putting them before yourself.
I don't have much to say today. It may be the 2nd birthday since you've passed, but it hurts just as bad... Just as hard. I wish we were cruising the Mediterranean as planned (or you were in Bali as I know you planned with Tammy). I can't convey in words how much I truly wish we were even just sitting on the couch watching old movies ringing in your 40th. What I wouldn't give to have you back... I sincerely hope you're able to celebrate today. I love you!!!!!
Xoxo forever and always
me
My timehop app was very bittersweet today. It pulled up every time I wished you happy birthday on Facebook. The last time was wishing you an incredible year of health and happiness, and then of course, last year... The first time I wished you happy birthday without you really turning 39.
5 years ago, Jordan's status was "happy birthday to my favorite sister Kerry Klein Butman, sorry Tessi Neuhauser". The post made me smile. The truth is, you were everyone's favorite whatever - favorite sister, friend, daughter, wife, mother, aunt. You were really someone special, someone unique. Since you were young (and had to take care of me all the time :-) you always put people before you. You wanted everyone to be happy. I really think you were just like Bubby in that way. Caring for everyone and putting them before yourself.
I don't have much to say today. It may be the 2nd birthday since you've passed, but it hurts just as bad... Just as hard. I wish we were cruising the Mediterranean as planned (or you were in Bali as I know you planned with Tammy). I can't convey in words how much I truly wish we were even just sitting on the couch watching old movies ringing in your 40th. What I wouldn't give to have you back... I sincerely hope you're able to celebrate today. I love you!!!!!
Xoxo forever and always
me
Saturday, November 21, 2015
What can I say?
Dear Kerr,
All of the other times I've written to you, something happened to make me want to send you a letter. Today, I knew I was going to write. I'm not quite sure what to say today, though. I wish I had an uplifting thought or phrase that inspired me today, the 1 year anniversary of your death, but I don't. I'm not suddenly healed because I've made it through all of the firsts. I don't believe you're in a better place nor do I believe there was some plan which decided November 21, 2014 was your day to go. I don't find comfort in an abstract concept anymore. All I can say, though, is that I'd like to. I'd like to feel again, at some point, that even though it sucks you're gone and even though there is no rhyme or reason you're gone that you're okay ... that you can see what's going on down here ... I'm just not there yet.
I'm still in this place where I feel entirely, and completely, the large hole in my life which you're not there to fill. I woke up today (well at 4 am and then again now ... I seem to be up at 4 am a lot lately ...) wondering if there will ever be a time I stop mentally labelling events "with Kerry" and "after Kerry"?
1 year ago today, my life changed forever. My world was turned upside down. It's hard not to think of things, now, as "before this day" or "after". You carried so much meaning in my life. My thoughts, sometimes, weren't complete until you chimed in. My decisions weren't finalized until approved by you. Life is floating in some strange place waiting for you to come back to it and make everything right again. The hard reality is that you're not coming back.
It's been a year, but I haven't made the full circle of grieving where I end in a place of acceptance and peace. I'm still in a place of shock. I still can't believe you're gone. I still can't feel your presence around me. I close my eyes and so badly wish I could feel you hug me again. But I just don't feel it. Seeing pictures of you used to bring comfort but now I find it weird that they're all so in the past; that these photos are are repeat. Where are your new "I look good today" selfies? Why aren't you in Erin and Lance's wedding photos? Why aren't you in mine?
As hard as it is to celebrate occasions for the boys without you in them ... birthdays, graduations, good grades, jobs, job promotions, team wins, play opening nights and so much more ... it's those boys who make the gaping hole less empty. Those boys are so incredible and it's all because of you. You raised them well. Their smiles, and even their grumpass frowns, make me feel better. I feel more content in their presence. Thank you for those kids. They're my light & my life.
I miss you. I miss what you brought to my life. I miss having a sister. I miss having you.
xoxo always,
ME
All of the other times I've written to you, something happened to make me want to send you a letter. Today, I knew I was going to write. I'm not quite sure what to say today, though. I wish I had an uplifting thought or phrase that inspired me today, the 1 year anniversary of your death, but I don't. I'm not suddenly healed because I've made it through all of the firsts. I don't believe you're in a better place nor do I believe there was some plan which decided November 21, 2014 was your day to go. I don't find comfort in an abstract concept anymore. All I can say, though, is that I'd like to. I'd like to feel again, at some point, that even though it sucks you're gone and even though there is no rhyme or reason you're gone that you're okay ... that you can see what's going on down here ... I'm just not there yet.
I'm still in this place where I feel entirely, and completely, the large hole in my life which you're not there to fill. I woke up today (well at 4 am and then again now ... I seem to be up at 4 am a lot lately ...) wondering if there will ever be a time I stop mentally labelling events "with Kerry" and "after Kerry"?
1 year ago today, my life changed forever. My world was turned upside down. It's hard not to think of things, now, as "before this day" or "after". You carried so much meaning in my life. My thoughts, sometimes, weren't complete until you chimed in. My decisions weren't finalized until approved by you. Life is floating in some strange place waiting for you to come back to it and make everything right again. The hard reality is that you're not coming back.
It's been a year, but I haven't made the full circle of grieving where I end in a place of acceptance and peace. I'm still in a place of shock. I still can't believe you're gone. I still can't feel your presence around me. I close my eyes and so badly wish I could feel you hug me again. But I just don't feel it. Seeing pictures of you used to bring comfort but now I find it weird that they're all so in the past; that these photos are are repeat. Where are your new "I look good today" selfies? Why aren't you in Erin and Lance's wedding photos? Why aren't you in mine?
As hard as it is to celebrate occasions for the boys without you in them ... birthdays, graduations, good grades, jobs, job promotions, team wins, play opening nights and so much more ... it's those boys who make the gaping hole less empty. Those boys are so incredible and it's all because of you. You raised them well. Their smiles, and even their grumpass frowns, make me feel better. I feel more content in their presence. Thank you for those kids. They're my light & my life.
I miss you. I miss what you brought to my life. I miss having a sister. I miss having you.
xoxo always,
ME
Friday, October 23, 2015
Tides
Hey Kerr,
I'm in Charleston right now for jackies bachelorette party. We're staying on Isle of Palms. The house is insane and the sun is shining ... It's great!
I went for a walk this morning because I can't seem to shake my thoughts of you. Blogging helps.
I'm sitting on a nice sand pile by a pier watching the waves crash. As I walked out here I realized I was walking on a sandy path which was where waves were crashing against my feet yesterday afternoon. The tide hasn't come in yet. I say that phrase not really understanding it. I get tide rolls in and it rolls out, but what is that thing pulling all of the water to its center and what stops pulling and let's it go? I imagine the answer may be gravity and I know the answer could be found on google but like you say ... I don't really give a shit. The point is, it was cool to be in the same spot and have a different feeling. Yesterday was cold water against my legs and this morning was cold, hard sand.
As corny as it sounds, when I started analyzing the tide and trying to figure out the physical pull of it all without just turning to google, it made me think of human emotion. What is it that pulls all of our emotions to the center, to our heart, and keeps them wound tight and what is it that allows it to break free at times and let our emotions show? There are random times I feel completely introverted and others in which I'm ready to let it out, whether it is fun or sadness or happiness... What is it pulling and sending our emotional tides one way or another?
I've been thinking of you more than normal yesterday and today. There's 2 reasons... (1) because I'm surrounded by sisters. There are groupings of sisters on this weekend trip and it's a reminder of how lonely it is not to have you. How different and empty and half whole I feel. "You're never alone when you have a sister." It's probably some quote I've seen on Facebook but it's what I thought of on my morning walk. You wouldn't have been here this weekend, but I don't think I would've felt the same surrounded by sisters as I do. Call it jealousy or grief or reality but knowing you aren't here makes it hard to watch the bonds others have with their halves. I'm having a great time and the moments in which I feel that jealousy, grief, emptiness are different. You've been gone 11 months and as those moments occur in day to day life, I usually find them less dibilitating (right use of that word??). They become lingering thoughts and emotions but I usually don't have to leave the room anymore to cry or to get away. The reality you're no longer here becomes more and more real every day but the desire for you and need for you grows every day alongside that reality. (2) I've been thinking of you more than normal because when I go somewhere new, I tend to find myself wondering if you'd like it. Would you like this beach or hate it because it's hard. You never really liked beaches but I do think you'd like the sun chairs and pool. You'd love the house but hate that it's not a hotel cause if you're on vacation, why should you have to make your own bed, right? You would've loved the sushi we had last night ... That's not a question. Would the east coast be something you like or would you still rather be on your Arizona trip? I'm guessing Arizona.
I love you and miss you.
XO
I'm in Charleston right now for jackies bachelorette party. We're staying on Isle of Palms. The house is insane and the sun is shining ... It's great!
I went for a walk this morning because I can't seem to shake my thoughts of you. Blogging helps.
I'm sitting on a nice sand pile by a pier watching the waves crash. As I walked out here I realized I was walking on a sandy path which was where waves were crashing against my feet yesterday afternoon. The tide hasn't come in yet. I say that phrase not really understanding it. I get tide rolls in and it rolls out, but what is that thing pulling all of the water to its center and what stops pulling and let's it go? I imagine the answer may be gravity and I know the answer could be found on google but like you say ... I don't really give a shit. The point is, it was cool to be in the same spot and have a different feeling. Yesterday was cold water against my legs and this morning was cold, hard sand.
As corny as it sounds, when I started analyzing the tide and trying to figure out the physical pull of it all without just turning to google, it made me think of human emotion. What is it that pulls all of our emotions to the center, to our heart, and keeps them wound tight and what is it that allows it to break free at times and let our emotions show? There are random times I feel completely introverted and others in which I'm ready to let it out, whether it is fun or sadness or happiness... What is it pulling and sending our emotional tides one way or another?
I've been thinking of you more than normal yesterday and today. There's 2 reasons... (1) because I'm surrounded by sisters. There are groupings of sisters on this weekend trip and it's a reminder of how lonely it is not to have you. How different and empty and half whole I feel. "You're never alone when you have a sister." It's probably some quote I've seen on Facebook but it's what I thought of on my morning walk. You wouldn't have been here this weekend, but I don't think I would've felt the same surrounded by sisters as I do. Call it jealousy or grief or reality but knowing you aren't here makes it hard to watch the bonds others have with their halves. I'm having a great time and the moments in which I feel that jealousy, grief, emptiness are different. You've been gone 11 months and as those moments occur in day to day life, I usually find them less dibilitating (right use of that word??). They become lingering thoughts and emotions but I usually don't have to leave the room anymore to cry or to get away. The reality you're no longer here becomes more and more real every day but the desire for you and need for you grows every day alongside that reality. (2) I've been thinking of you more than normal because when I go somewhere new, I tend to find myself wondering if you'd like it. Would you like this beach or hate it because it's hard. You never really liked beaches but I do think you'd like the sun chairs and pool. You'd love the house but hate that it's not a hotel cause if you're on vacation, why should you have to make your own bed, right? You would've loved the sushi we had last night ... That's not a question. Would the east coast be something you like or would you still rather be on your Arizona trip? I'm guessing Arizona.
I love you and miss you.
XO
Friday, October 16, 2015
Happy Sweetest Day, Kerr Bear!
Dear Kerr Bear,
I walked into Jewel the other night after a long meeting to attempt their salad bar at 9:00PM instead of resulting in my typical Chipotle late night solution (yup! I should've just gone to Chipotle because Jewel had closed their salad bar down already - see ... not worth it to try and be healthy) to see their amazing floral department (yes, the Jewel by my house has great flowers - you'd love it!) adorned by beautiful extra-large "Happy Sweetest Day" balloons. My instant gut reaction was an "ohhh" but in the tone of a sigh not the tone of loving excitement.
You influenced my love of Hallmark cheesy holidays, the love of grand romantic gestures, flowers, chocolate and incredibly romantic men. You didn't marry those men and neither did I because when I reminded Mac of Sweetest Day and suggested we celebrate it, he adamantly said no. But anyhow ... :0) my gut reaction was one of bitter sweet sadness. It's because days like Sweetest day will ALWAYS make me think of you. That's the sweet part. The part which makes me smile. The reminder of all the influences you had over me and all the memories we shared. But then there's the obvious bitter sadness part. The part which reminds me of yet another day I'll spend without you all too early.
Point of this letter to you, though, is not my complaints about Mac's disinterest in cheesy romance, or to dwell on the bitter sadness portion of days I don't spend with you, but instead to wish you a Happy Sweetest Day.
I love you. I miss you. And I hope you receive a great big bouquet of flowers and a beautiful arrangement of cookies by design.
xoxo always,
ME
I walked into Jewel the other night after a long meeting to attempt their salad bar at 9:00PM instead of resulting in my typical Chipotle late night solution (yup! I should've just gone to Chipotle because Jewel had closed their salad bar down already - see ... not worth it to try and be healthy) to see their amazing floral department (yes, the Jewel by my house has great flowers - you'd love it!) adorned by beautiful extra-large "Happy Sweetest Day" balloons. My instant gut reaction was an "ohhh" but in the tone of a sigh not the tone of loving excitement.
You influenced my love of Hallmark cheesy holidays, the love of grand romantic gestures, flowers, chocolate and incredibly romantic men. You didn't marry those men and neither did I because when I reminded Mac of Sweetest Day and suggested we celebrate it, he adamantly said no. But anyhow ... :0) my gut reaction was one of bitter sweet sadness. It's because days like Sweetest day will ALWAYS make me think of you. That's the sweet part. The part which makes me smile. The reminder of all the influences you had over me and all the memories we shared. But then there's the obvious bitter sadness part. The part which reminds me of yet another day I'll spend without you all too early.
Point of this letter to you, though, is not my complaints about Mac's disinterest in cheesy romance, or to dwell on the bitter sadness portion of days I don't spend with you, but instead to wish you a Happy Sweetest Day.
I love you. I miss you. And I hope you receive a great big bouquet of flowers and a beautiful arrangement of cookies by design.
xoxo always,
ME
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Gloomy Days
Dear Kerr,
Today blows. It's cold and rainy. First of all, you know I love fall weather - boots, jeans. Not that I shopped the anniversary sale this year (yeah - I know ... I can't believe it either. I timed the wedding poorly lol). But it's rainy and cold and we had a shit summer ... too short. So I'm not at all excited about this weather. I can feel my seasonal depression kicking in, too. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning or go to the gym but I sure as shit want to eat. Normally, I'd text you saying today sucks and you'd text back saying you agree. I miss having someone to bitch to without them trying to make me feel sunny and happy.
The urge to text you is lessening. The need for you in my life is not, but I guess since it's been 10+ months of not texting you, my body is losing its muscle memory ..? I did think to text you a few days ago though ... I wanted to make fun of mom and dad for being in a trivia group and I knew you'd make fun of them with me (I did talk to Mac that night, though, about joining one too so clearly it was me being jealous ha!) I also heard the pina colada song ... makes me smile every time. I like that certain memories are making me smile.
That's it for now. Just wanted to tell you the day is gloomy and sucky.
xo
missing you
Today blows. It's cold and rainy. First of all, you know I love fall weather - boots, jeans. Not that I shopped the anniversary sale this year (yeah - I know ... I can't believe it either. I timed the wedding poorly lol). But it's rainy and cold and we had a shit summer ... too short. So I'm not at all excited about this weather. I can feel my seasonal depression kicking in, too. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning or go to the gym but I sure as shit want to eat. Normally, I'd text you saying today sucks and you'd text back saying you agree. I miss having someone to bitch to without them trying to make me feel sunny and happy.
The urge to text you is lessening. The need for you in my life is not, but I guess since it's been 10+ months of not texting you, my body is losing its muscle memory ..? I did think to text you a few days ago though ... I wanted to make fun of mom and dad for being in a trivia group and I knew you'd make fun of them with me (I did talk to Mac that night, though, about joining one too so clearly it was me being jealous ha!) I also heard the pina colada song ... makes me smile every time. I like that certain memories are making me smile.
That's it for now. Just wanted to tell you the day is gloomy and sucky.
xo
missing you
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
When in Rome
Hey Kerr,
We got back from our honeymoon on Sunday. It was nice to have yesterday to acclimate while both of us were still off from work. It was great to see the boys. We did our fantasy football draft at moms.
I thought about you so much on the honeymoon. I think about you all the time, but there were triggers. I thought maybe there were just triggers in Rome because last I'd been there, it was with you, but I thought about you at every turn.
For starters, this trip was so easy! We didn't buy any train tickets in advance, rode standard class and had air conditioning, and I laughed thinking you saying "of course it was easy for you". I retold mac the stories about the train stations, taxi drivers, airport craziness, bad weather but did so with a laugh and a smile. I said to him "all good memories. that's good, right?". You're only a memory now, but we had incredible memories. I'm grateful for the smiles it gives me to recall them.
We had the most incredible profiteroles in Capri. "I don't want them in a box! I want them now!" I showed Mac the Westin Excelsior and walked through the lobby in such disbelief, sort of numb, and I told Mac it felt strange that I was there with you 5 years prior and never could've guessed I'd walk in 5 years later and you'd be dead. I explained to Mac that I still think it's so shocking because I thought you were invincible. After Allan died, I think something inside of me just figured nothing would happen to you. All would be okay. Because, surely, something so shitty wouldn't strike twice.
Traveling Rome & Florence made me think of our Baltic Seas cruise. How great is it that we had just taken that trip 2 years ago. Again, such memories!
The plane ride home showed 3 movies. One of which was "we bought a zoo". I love that movie! This time, I teared up through it and my mind wondered. There were so many lines from the movie which rang true ... "I'm sorry your childhood had to end so early, kid" "Am I doing this right" "Am I giving them a good life" etc. I want the boys to do well in school, have friends, get into college, do well there, get jobs, get married, have children, have their own explorations... I want nothing more than their happiness. I worry all of the time about bad crowds of friends, drugs, drinking, poor academics, bad life choices... I'm sure parents all over the world think about their parenting... are they doing right by their children? will their children continue on good paths? but these parents are there to worry about this. The boys have experienced loss like none other and i worry and hope the pain and struggle and loss will create strength in each of them to have better lives and be better people. the son in the movie struggle through school and with his anger and his communication and it made me think the entire rest of the plane ride home about my dreams for the boys and how I hope their pain and loss does not negatively effect the progress in their lives.
I woke up today completely depressed. Waking up in Italy, with my husband, away from the struggles of every day life is a lot easier. My married life is great. I am obsessed with Leo. Work gives me happiness. I do wish I saw my friends more. But my heart is not the same without you in it. I woke up today to return to normal life and its my new-normal life of day-in and day-out without you and what it means to not have you is hard. Returning from a dream vacation to come back to what it means not having you is hard to wake up to.
I miss you.
xo
We got back from our honeymoon on Sunday. It was nice to have yesterday to acclimate while both of us were still off from work. It was great to see the boys. We did our fantasy football draft at moms.
I thought about you so much on the honeymoon. I think about you all the time, but there were triggers. I thought maybe there were just triggers in Rome because last I'd been there, it was with you, but I thought about you at every turn.
For starters, this trip was so easy! We didn't buy any train tickets in advance, rode standard class and had air conditioning, and I laughed thinking you saying "of course it was easy for you". I retold mac the stories about the train stations, taxi drivers, airport craziness, bad weather but did so with a laugh and a smile. I said to him "all good memories. that's good, right?". You're only a memory now, but we had incredible memories. I'm grateful for the smiles it gives me to recall them.
We had the most incredible profiteroles in Capri. "I don't want them in a box! I want them now!" I showed Mac the Westin Excelsior and walked through the lobby in such disbelief, sort of numb, and I told Mac it felt strange that I was there with you 5 years prior and never could've guessed I'd walk in 5 years later and you'd be dead. I explained to Mac that I still think it's so shocking because I thought you were invincible. After Allan died, I think something inside of me just figured nothing would happen to you. All would be okay. Because, surely, something so shitty wouldn't strike twice.
Traveling Rome & Florence made me think of our Baltic Seas cruise. How great is it that we had just taken that trip 2 years ago. Again, such memories!
The plane ride home showed 3 movies. One of which was "we bought a zoo". I love that movie! This time, I teared up through it and my mind wondered. There were so many lines from the movie which rang true ... "I'm sorry your childhood had to end so early, kid" "Am I doing this right" "Am I giving them a good life" etc. I want the boys to do well in school, have friends, get into college, do well there, get jobs, get married, have children, have their own explorations... I want nothing more than their happiness. I worry all of the time about bad crowds of friends, drugs, drinking, poor academics, bad life choices... I'm sure parents all over the world think about their parenting... are they doing right by their children? will their children continue on good paths? but these parents are there to worry about this. The boys have experienced loss like none other and i worry and hope the pain and struggle and loss will create strength in each of them to have better lives and be better people. the son in the movie struggle through school and with his anger and his communication and it made me think the entire rest of the plane ride home about my dreams for the boys and how I hope their pain and loss does not negatively effect the progress in their lives.
I woke up today completely depressed. Waking up in Italy, with my husband, away from the struggles of every day life is a lot easier. My married life is great. I am obsessed with Leo. Work gives me happiness. I do wish I saw my friends more. But my heart is not the same without you in it. I woke up today to return to normal life and its my new-normal life of day-in and day-out without you and what it means to not have you is hard. Returning from a dream vacation to come back to what it means not having you is hard to wake up to.
I miss you.
xo
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