What did you say?

Kerr,

I can’t believe I’m writing to you, and Simon may be with you.  How did we get here?  

Within the first few days after, I wondered what you said to him when you saw him.  I figured you were happy to have the chance to hug him and mad at him all at the same time.  Or did you see him, hug him, and understand… did you know his pain was too much?

I want to reread the 5 people you meet in Heaven.  Mitch Albom wrote with such certainty about the process.  So maybe Simon hasn’t gotten to you yet?  Or maybe it’s all quick going through the steps and who you meet, etc.  What is time after life??  

The bottom line is, I do hope you’re reunited, but it just wasn’t time yet.  It wasn’t time for any of you… 

The day after he died, I actually said for the first, and hopefully only time, ‘I’m glad you aren’t alive’.  I wouldn’t want you going through this, but then again… chicken or the egg?  If you were alive, the series of his life events would’ve been so different.  Maybe this wouldn’t have been his end?  But we know this game is one not to play… you can’t change the past.  Literally, nothing I do will change the past and make my reality different.  So I try not to play those scenarios out.

So here we are.  Going through the motions every day because my kids and my clients depend on me, but my heart is shattered.  Allan cracked it, you broke it, and Simon shattered it.  The interesting thing about it all, though, is it felt shattered for Allan and for you.  But I never knew a pain like this.  I never thought I would.  I never thought I’d know a pain worse than losing you.  But now I lost Simon - that boy had my heart.  And after I lost you, he carried a part of you for me.  So I’ve now lost another part of you, and him, all in 1.

I know that life continues to happen around grief.  Things don’t get easier.  Time doesn’t make it better.  I am someone who has always said it makes it worse.  But life goes on and there are more moments you’re not a part of.  More memories my kids have been robbed of.  The aunt that would’ve loved them like no other and the big cousin who would’ve shown them the world.  I know we have to go on.  We keep celebrating.  We keep doing.  But it certainly feels surreal.  Numb.  Empty.

But we do.  And we did.  Issac graduated college!  Magna cum laude and even straight As this last semester.  He looked so proud showing us his home of the last 4 years.  It was nice to be together; to laugh together.  Our family definitely shows up, and strong.  We’re good at it. As I sat at the ceremony, looking around at all of the moms and dads in the audience, I imagined you beaming with pride and Allan showing everyone Issac’s name in the book and the distinguished markings. 

I still wake every day and my first thought is - he’s gone.  In everything I do, it’s ‘he’s gone’.  And this is not meant to sound pitiful, but why do I know more grief than most people.  Why did Simon know more grief than pretty much anyone would in a life time?  

Can this stop now?

Can I stop getting the stomach-sinking phone calls?

Can I stop telling my kids about death?

This isn’t such a concise letter.  It’s not super focused.  But neither am I… I’m just sad.  How will I never hug him again?  How?  How can this all be true?

I genuinely, with all of the possible hope I can muster, hope Simon is with you and Allan.  With Dylan and Daniel.  Driving you crazy, but being sweet.  Having fun and at peace.

I do hope that.

I want to get behind that.

Because while I hope all of that, I just also hope it all isn’t true.  I want him back.

And I want Andrew and Issac to not have to keep enduring and overcoming and being resilient and incredible and everything they are… but can’t they just be awesome without so much hardship?

Please send me signs.

Can Simon send me one that he loves me?

I love you.  I miss you.  Hug him for me.

XO

Me