World's Greatest Aunt

 Dear Kerr Bear,

Yes - I titled this letter World's Greatest Aunt, but no ... I don't mean me ;-P 

I mean you.  You would’ve been the worlds greatest aunt to my girls.  It’s just a fact, without a doubt.  I’ve been having an extra hard few weeks with the kind of stuff you just need your sister for.  My friends (thank G-d for them) reminded me you ARE the worlds greatest aunt and you are watching them.  I just wish I could witness you with them.  

I’ve been having these visions lately of you holding Dakota.  You are running your finger down her nose and then booping the tip of her nose with the tip of your finger (I can see your perfectly manicured hands so well… the polish is dark like LPAD) and she smiles so big.  It’s something that brings me so much warmth <3 maybe somehow she does know you.  I think she’d be your favorite.  It was her birthday on Thursday (as you know because it was also Andrews!!) and while it was so sweet and so special, it still was a hard day.  For many reasons.  But one of them was you.  On special, celebratory days, it’s extra obvious you’re not there.  I think about how we would’ve done the day differently had you been around.

You have been gone 7 years today.

Andrew is 23 now.  Issac is 20 now.  Simon is 17 now.

You have 5 nieces and 1 nephew you didn’t have prior.

You have a college graduate, 1 in college, and 1 college bound.

Sadly, Baileyboozle has passed.  Are you guys on the couch watching TV together? Or sun bathing together?

I say it often to you, but I just miss you so much.  I miss your hugs.  I miss our calls and texts.  I miss having that person… the one who just gets you and says the right things always.  I try not to stay in this place very long - the place where all I think about is what you’ve missed, what I’ve missed having you a part of, all the things the boys should’ve had you for (including just regular day-to-day life)… the pitiful place.

There’s a hole in my life; one you’re supposed to fill.  some days are easier.  I have our family and my amazing friends.  I have my girls.  But there are some days with that hole when I just keep falling into the pain of missing you.

Today we are celebrating Dakota’s 1st birthday.  It was a strange date to pick, but I had an event yesterday.  And … it’s not that I wouldn’t have noticed you were gone yesterday… so today we celebrate Dakota and miss you, all the same.  

I woke up today just as I have every anniversary year wanting to just sleep through it.  Every year I think… if I just don’t wake up today, maybe 11/21/14 wont happen.  I relive the details of the day, every year.  I can’t help it.  

I miss you.  I owe you an more upbeat life update.  Soon.

Send me a sign today. Maybe you already have … my girls are here.  Happy and healthy.

Love you. 

XO

Me

Are you watching?

 Kerr Bear (and Allan),

Simon’s in surgery right now as I type this.  I’m in the waiting room.  He told me I could write to you now.  He has a herniated disc (and stenosis and a curved spine and some other bad back nonsense).  He tried all options… this was inevitable and the only next step.  He has been in so much pain and can’t be himself.  And he’s 17.  It’s not right to have such problems so young  and it’s also so early to have surgery.  And you’re not here to guide him or care for him or help him make decisions.  Are you watching?  Are you making sure he’s okay?  Are you sending some kind of love and strength and healing?  I sure hope so.

I want him to be okay.

I want this surgery to help him.

 No… it’s not the end all be all fix, but I want it to give him his life back.

Since you can’t be here with him physically, please send all of the good vibes from up above.  Give him your big Kerry vanilla-scented hugs.

XO

Mother’s Day

 Kerr Bear,

I think this would’ve been your favorite Mother’s Day weekend yet.  You would’ve been out of town watching your first born graduate college!  Lots of restaurant reservations and celebrations.  How perfect!  I’m so proud of Andrew.  I know you are, too.

I think I’ve realized why I don’t like Mother’s Day.  So before you were gone, Mother’s Day was fine!  While Bubby was alive, we went out?? Is that right?  I think that was the one time of year Bubby liked eating out but after she passed, you’d host because mom didn’t like going out?  Maybe I’m totally screwing this up here.  Mom will have to tell me.  We used to go to the bagel in Old Orchard, right?  My memories suck but as I write this, some are coming back.

The thing is, I used to get really excited to celebrate YOU on Mother’s Day.  Being an Aunt has always been one of my favorite things to be.  Hands down.  You knew that.  Most people know that about me.  I became an Aunt because of YOU!  The best gift ever.  So I loved getting you a card to thank you for being a great mama to my nephews.

Today is just another one of those big days you’re not here for.  Another holiday I want to celebrate with you, but I can’t.  It’s another day my grief feels bigger.

Also this year, I just don’t feel like I deserve Mother’s Day.  Now let’s be honest, my 3 Mother’s Days have not been the pomp and circumstance that most expect.  Mac tries but he hates Hallmark holidays so he buys what I say I want and generally hates the pressure to make this day special (and remember my first Mother’s Day bwahahahah).  But truthfully, I feel like he deserves Mother’s Day & Father’s Day this year.  I’ve been falling short as a mom.  I’ve been so busy with work (yayy) and moody and impatient and it’s making me not the best mama.  Mac picks up where I leave off, everyday.  He’s the fun one.  The one with extra patience and cuddles.  Fishing, playing, make-believing etc etc etc.  He’s a saint and the most incredible guy.

I am grateful to be a mom.  So many today struggle because they are trying to become mamas or have lost babies and so much more.  After much effort, we got the big girls and then Dakota.  I’m so full of gratitude to have them.  But today just doesn’t feel like the super happy day everyone believes Mother’s Day to be.

I know you’d get it.

I wish we were chatting about this while getting pedicures and drinking Starbucks.

I love you.

I miss you.

Happy Mother’s Day to the best mama.

XO

Car rides

 Hey Kerr,

I’ve been thinking about you even more lately.  But it hasn’t been all awesome.  The day you died has been replaying a lot in my head.  Usually it happens when I am driving, and I’ve been in the car more lately than probably in the entire past year.  The girls started preschool (omg they’re so cute & growing so quickly) and so I drive them back and forth and work has been picking up, etc.  I think car rides make my brain replay that day because I was in Mac’s car when I found out you died...

Mac got me.  I asked who was it.  He said you.  I begged him to tell me what happened but he wouldn’t.  Dad told him not to so all he said was ‘call your dad’.  Dad told me, while choking back tears, you died.  I wonder if he remembers that moment or even that he’s the one who told me.  Your brain has a funny way of forgetting things so it can protect itself.  My brain forgot Allan’s funeral.  It only came rushing back to me once when I re-entered the room his service was in.  It happened with your funeral, too.  I forgot where your funeral took place until I was back there for Matt’s Grandma and had a panic attack.  

Being the bearer of bad news sucks.  Because now, you’re a key part of that persons terrible story.  I hate that I’m the one who told Andrew you were gone.  I’ll never forget it.  Never.  What he said.  The room we were in.  The walk down the hall.  The car ride home.  It’s not that I’m mad I’m the one who told him or Issac or being with Steve to tell Simon & Zion.  I just hate that I’m the one in their memory of how they found out.  But maybe it’s that I’m just mad it had to be told... that it happened at all.

Today’s car ride replay was of when Allan died. That day I jumped into action and knew it was the time Andrew had to get picked up from camp.  He went to camp at the JCC.  The girls go to school at the JCC.  Different ones, but still... so as I pulled out of the parking lot today, my brain went to when I was pulling out from the parking lot on July 9, 2004.

When I find my mind spiraling down the events of November 21, 2014, I tell it to think of other things.  I try to do my best to divert my brain away from remembering all of the terrible moments ... calling Natalie and Ilyssa while I waited for a mac to get me... knowing nothing and yet knowing something terrible had happened.  The drive which seemed like it took forever.  The walk down the halls of Glenbrook hospital to find the ER.  The woman saying ‘I’m sorry’ when I told her who I was there for.  Collapsing to the ground.  The list of memories go on.  The tinges of moments.  But instead of thinking of those, I try to make a list and replay the good times.  Where does my mind go when I try to think of you (and not the day you died):

Mrs Doubtfire | the day you came home from Hawaii engaged | the bridal suite we got ready in for your wedding | you singing ‘the piña colada song’ in Italy | you hitting Issac at China chef | you singing in your Escalade | laughing hysterically in Vegas about gelato | sitting on the floor of the great room in Lincolnwood playing with baby Andrew | texting you while I was in the hospital in Spain | holding you hostage while I was in the hospital after my surgery | living with you and the nights we’d make cookies or get red mango | texting about you’ve got mail, my best friends wedding & sleepless in Seattle | getting my wedding dress | the first time you took me for a manicure | the first time you took me for an eyebrow wax | all of the care packages you sent to me at college | the killers - specifically ‘human’ | ‘walk 1000 miles’ | REM ‘stand’ | anything by that 80s singer... you know the one | Sophie b Hawkins ‘as I lay me down to sleep’ | Lance’s 30th birthday and me getting you drunk for the first time | your vanilla scented hugs | laughing so hard at Dad washing his phone again | swearing |

I love you.  I miss you.

XO

Happy Valentine’s Day

45

 Happy 45th birthday, Kerry!!

I can imagine you would’ve hated turning 45 (weird statement to make considering..) but you would’ve! So I probably would’ve said it on repeat, publicly wishing you a happy 45th birthday instead of just ‘happy birthday!’.  You would’ve freaked out because 45 is the next big milestone birthday to 50.  And it would’ve sucked because you would’ve spent another birthday inside, only this time, not because of some crazy winter storm (although it did snow/rain), but because the pandemic is still very much here.  

For your birthday, I got you a niece who looks like you (well, your baby pic)!  Or at least I think so!  Issac just says babies look like blobs so he doesn’t see it.  Everyone is saying she’s my twin/looks like Simon.  We named her Dakota Jolene; D for Allan David and J for Aaron Jack.  Simon came up with Jolene.  I wanted a regular size/big baby so badly.  I wanted her to just be happy and healthy and she arrived weighing 8.3!  One of the first things I said was ‘I got my squishy’.  You’d love her!! I know you agreed, the squishier the better.  Which is why you’d also be beyond obsessed with the most gorgeous, Ada.  She’s growing so nicely and is certainly Miles’ sister - beautiful like him.  I haven’t kissed her... her big cheeks, her beautiful hair.  This pandemic sucks ass.

I just got Dakota back down to sleep and should fall back asleep myself before the big girls wake up, but I knew I wanted to write you. I miss you. I feel like we would’ve had one another in our Covid-friendly circles somehow.  Even though the boys would’ve bugged you to go do what they wanted which would make them and you Covid risks, but somehow I just think we would’ve figured it out.  So we would’ve had lunch and dinners and days together as much as we could.  Maybe that’s just wishful thinking... but I sure do wish you were here.  Even if just to text you.  I feel like a lot of what I’d want to do is vent.  Which isn’t great, but you would’ve been okay with it.  I’d want to tell you how hard this all is and how much I just feel ... blah.  New baby, wanting my body back, winter weather, Covid restrictions, no travel plans ... it’s a lot all at once.  Planning a little birthday thing would’ve been fun for you though.  

I love you.  I really do hope and wish you’re somehow celebrating.  Did Bubby make you cakes for your birthday, too?  I’d have to assume so.  We’re yours yellow cake with chocolate frosting?  I don’t remember you loving Bubby’s sweets like I did.  Funny enough, when I close my eyes and go back to holidays at Bubby’s, I can’t see you or Lance.  Maybe you guys say at the dining room table? I don’t think you were with Jordan and me in the kitchen.  I’m likely wrong about so many aspects here.  But I hope she’s made you something fabulous.  Maybe today would’ve been my big exception day and we would’ve gone for mani/pedis..?

Anyhoo... rambling again.  The bottom line is, I wish I could celebrate with you today.  I wish I could bitch with you every day.  And oh how I wish, with all of my wishes, that I could have a Kerry hug.  The big, tight, hug like you meant it, smelled like Vanilla sugar cookie, Kerry hug.  I need it.  I need you.

Happy 45th birthday my sweet sister.

XO

Me