❤️

Kerr Bear,

Twice in one week! I know... it’s a big week.
5 years ago today. How has it been 5 years?  It many ways, it feels quick.  The days have been filled with so much.  The years.  The moments.  But in every way, it feels like forever.
I LOST you 5 years ago.  It’s a strange phrase, right?  But maybe it’s not because the truth is, I have been looking for you ever since.  Where are you?  Where’d you go?  Will you come back to me?
I wrote you many times explaining how I couldn’t feel you.  I wanted to know you were around, watching, sending me warmth and love.  And while I’ve had moments of really believing “the signs” the ultimate sign has been the girls.  I really do think you sent me sisters.  We are sisters.  I miss my sister.  And while I don’t go searching every day to find the great thing my heart lost 5 years ago, to find more signs and moments, I do spend every day aware of the hole left in my heart.  You are gone. And things just aren’t quite the same.
I am happy.  My life is good.  It’s busy and it’s crazy and it’s weeks like next I look forward to most - when everyone will be around.  The boys are such a light for me.  I haven’t seen Issac since August and Andrew only once since August.  I can’t wait to squeeze them.
So yeah, I’m happy.  But I can’t help but feel this build up of anxt and dread over today.  As the days build towards 11/21, I find myself relieving each day of November 2014.  11/17, the last day I saw you... 11/20 when we text about my ability to curl my hair ... 11/21.  I told Mac that I dread this day because it’s as if my brain and my heart are trying to protect me.  If I could just avoid November 21st, then maybe it wouldn’t happen.  He looked a bit concerned at that thought.  Of course I know that’s not possible, but for some reason, my body goes into defense mode to try and avoid today.  Today is just another day.  Another day of smiles and giggles and hugs and love from my girls.  Another day of work.  Of the M-F routine.
But it’s not just another day.  It’s the day I lost my sister.  And on days like today, I do feel myself searching for you.  Searching for that hug.  That smell of fresh baked cookie vanilla body spray.  That perfectly applied makeup.  I close my eyes to see it all again.  To feel it all again.  Oh how I wish I could for real.  For now, my imagination will do.

Until we meet again.
Keep watching.  We got a lot of living to do down here.
XO
me

21 years

Kerr,

Today is November 15th.  When I first found out your due date, I hoped you’d have Andrew 11/15.  I wanted him born on my 1/2 birthday.  Everyone said that wasn’t really possible given you were due 11/6.  Then 11/15 came and went...
Andrew will be 21 on Monday.  November 18th.  21.  21!  21?!
I really have a terrible memory.  But I can remember the day he was born, clearly.  I remember holding him for the first time (and thinking he had a big head... I had never really seen a baby’s head before).  I remember so many things I got to be a part of.  I grew up with Andrew.  We grew up together.  And now he’s the big teddy bear, far bigger than me, who’s hugs I live for and miss terribly while he’s away.
I wish you were here for his birthday.  I’m not sure what you would’ve done.  I try not to live every day wondering how it would be different if you were here, but special occasions are hard not to think that way.  I do know things would be different... better.  And I’m pretty certain Allan would’ve done something crazy ... Vegas?! A car?! Both?!
21 years of Andrew.  Thank you!  Thank you for giving me the best gift.  You gave me a love stronger and deeper than I can describe.  He was what I lived for at 10 years old and at 17 years old and at 26 years old and every day since.  Kerry, you made me an Aunt.  You gave me a full heart that has only gotten fuller over the years with Issac and Simon and the girls, whom I do believe you sent me.
I love you.  I miss you.

XO
me