❤️

Kerr Bear,

Twice in one week! I know... it’s a big week.
5 years ago today. How has it been 5 years?  It many ways, it feels quick.  The days have been filled with so much.  The years.  The moments.  But in every way, it feels like forever.
I LOST you 5 years ago.  It’s a strange phrase, right?  But maybe it’s not because the truth is, I have been looking for you ever since.  Where are you?  Where’d you go?  Will you come back to me?
I wrote you many times explaining how I couldn’t feel you.  I wanted to know you were around, watching, sending me warmth and love.  And while I’ve had moments of really believing “the signs” the ultimate sign has been the girls.  I really do think you sent me sisters.  We are sisters.  I miss my sister.  And while I don’t go searching every day to find the great thing my heart lost 5 years ago, to find more signs and moments, I do spend every day aware of the hole left in my heart.  You are gone. And things just aren’t quite the same.
I am happy.  My life is good.  It’s busy and it’s crazy and it’s weeks like next I look forward to most - when everyone will be around.  The boys are such a light for me.  I haven’t seen Issac since August and Andrew only once since August.  I can’t wait to squeeze them.
So yeah, I’m happy.  But I can’t help but feel this build up of anxt and dread over today.  As the days build towards 11/21, I find myself relieving each day of November 2014.  11/17, the last day I saw you... 11/20 when we text about my ability to curl my hair ... 11/21.  I told Mac that I dread this day because it’s as if my brain and my heart are trying to protect me.  If I could just avoid November 21st, then maybe it wouldn’t happen.  He looked a bit concerned at that thought.  Of course I know that’s not possible, but for some reason, my body goes into defense mode to try and avoid today.  Today is just another day.  Another day of smiles and giggles and hugs and love from my girls.  Another day of work.  Of the M-F routine.
But it’s not just another day.  It’s the day I lost my sister.  And on days like today, I do feel myself searching for you.  Searching for that hug.  That smell of fresh baked cookie vanilla body spray.  That perfectly applied makeup.  I close my eyes to see it all again.  To feel it all again.  Oh how I wish I could for real.  For now, my imagination will do.

Until we meet again.
Keep watching.  We got a lot of living to do down here.
XO
me

21 years

Kerr,

Today is November 15th.  When I first found out your due date, I hoped you’d have Andrew 11/15.  I wanted him born on my 1/2 birthday.  Everyone said that wasn’t really possible given you were due 11/6.  Then 11/15 came and went...
Andrew will be 21 on Monday.  November 18th.  21.  21!  21?!
I really have a terrible memory.  But I can remember the day he was born, clearly.  I remember holding him for the first time (and thinking he had a big head... I had never really seen a baby’s head before).  I remember so many things I got to be a part of.  I grew up with Andrew.  We grew up together.  And now he’s the big teddy bear, far bigger than me, who’s hugs I live for and miss terribly while he’s away.
I wish you were here for his birthday.  I’m not sure what you would’ve done.  I try not to live every day wondering how it would be different if you were here, but special occasions are hard not to think that way.  I do know things would be different... better.  And I’m pretty certain Allan would’ve done something crazy ... Vegas?! A car?! Both?!
21 years of Andrew.  Thank you!  Thank you for giving me the best gift.  You gave me a love stronger and deeper than I can describe.  He was what I lived for at 10 years old and at 17 years old and at 26 years old and every day since.  Kerry, you made me an Aunt.  You gave me a full heart that has only gotten fuller over the years with Issac and Simon and the girls, whom I do believe you sent me.
I love you.  I miss you.

XO
me

The New Year shuffle

Kerr Bear,

I’m sitting on the floor by the cabinet which holds all of your entertaining stuff. I’m pulling out your linens & charger plates to use to set the table for tonight’s dinner.  Mom & Dad are visiting Issac at school and will get home late so I’m hosting.  I should be hosting.  You always did.  You always made a beautiful table.  Do I use your china or disposables?  We got dinner from Catering By Michael’s ... I think I can manage heating 🙂 I probably would’ve had fun cooking it all today but instead I’m going to drive to pickup the dessert in highland park, the bagels Simon wants for lunch in Northbrook, then the lunch for tomorrow & Tuesday also in Northbrook and dinner in Morton Grove and then the rest of the stuff from Jewel.  I’ll get flowers and make arrangements so it all looks nice.  Bottom line... I miss you.  I miss coming over to YOUR cooking and YOUR beautiful table in YOUR beautiful home.  I miss how the house smelled and how you smelled and how your cooking smelled.  I miss that no matter what had to come out of the oven or go in the oven, you’d stop to take a selfie with me.  I miss when holidays didn’t have the unspoken hole of “you’re not here” with it.  I love you.  I really hope it’s possible that you and Bubby are together.  That you get to have her dinner and her honey cake.  I hope Bubby & Uncle Aaron are screaming at each other and Papa’s quietly watching TV (drinking a Coke).  I really hope it’s possible.

I love you.
L’shana Tovah.

XO
Me

It’s too quiet

Kerr,

It’s too quiet.
Andrew went to school last weekend.  Issac left for school yesterday.  Simon starts school Wednesday.
One by one, they’re going away.
I feel ... numb? Depressed.  Sad.
The truth is, sharing life with the boys makes it a little easier not getting to share my life with you.  And bottom line, they’re really a lot of fun, very funny, so kind and so sweet with the girls.

I am so excited for Andrew.  A junior! What?! When did that happen.  And he’s doing so well with school and friends and his fraternity.  I’m still hoping he’ll study abroad second semester (and, yes, probably pushing it too much.)
Issac’s off to have the time of his life.  I know he’ll do great.  I miss him already.  Not a lot of words here... it’s been a tough weekend.
Simon is all organized for school.  It was cool hearing he has assigned a color per subject :) I did that my entire life and through college.  I love how well he’s doing at school!  And I cannot wait to see him kick ass on the football field.

I’ve said it before.  I’m saying it again.  Having all of the boys around fills my heart.  I can’t wait for the joy I know thanksgiving week will bring.
101 days.
But who’s counting?!

Missing you and them terribly today.
XO

Rainman

dear Kerr,

It’s been 2 months since I’ve written you.  2 very busy months ... Issac’s high school graduation, our big Alaska trip, simons 15th birthday, Issac’s college graduation and Andrew being home for the summer (he’s going to be a junior)!

There are many things I want to tell you.  Random thoughts.  Big moments.  But I haven’t found the time to write, or moreover, the time to be ready for a good cry.  I always cry when I write you.  But the other night while driving in the car (where I spend the most time thinking of you), a song came on.  A song I’ve heard many times.  For some strange reason, I really heard the words this time, got home and told Mac I missed you.  Then began the big cry.. I miss you.  It’s just plain and simple.  I’m hoping you’ve seen and witnessed the last 2 months because all I’m writing to you now (as I watch Rainman for the first time ... I distinctly remember you citing it and quoting it on a few occasions) are some of the words from that song.

Well, they say people come
They say people go
This particular diamond was extra special
And though you might be gone, and the world may not know
Still I see you, celestial

There's a light that you give me when I'm in shadow
There's a feeling within me, an everglow

And I know that you're with me and the way you will show
And you're with me wherever I go
And you give me this feeling, this everglow

What I wouldn't give for just a moment to hold
Because, I live for this feeling, this everglow

So if you love someone, you should let them know
Oh, the light that you left me will everglow

I love you!
Xo

Gentlemen

kerr Bear,

Another mother’s day has come and gone without you.  I want you to know, my day was made because of the boys.  They are the ones who acknowledged the day for me.  And isn’t that crazy?!  These boys who have the right to hate the day and feel sad and angry and bitter woke up and wished me a happy mother’s day immediately!  Gifts, flowers, texts and cards!  It is so sweet, but it’s crazy that in a single moment of feeling so honored and loved, I can feel so sad.  I feel so sad for them.  I feel sad for mom.  Mother’s Day is a day to cherish and honor your mom and feel grateful for your children.  The boys don’t have that, and although mom has lance and Jordan and I and her many grandchildren, I know days like today emphasize the hole in her heart.  You are who made her a mom and now you’re gone.
I’m writing you because I miss you.  I’m also writing you just to make sure you’re reminded of the gentlemen you raised.
I wonder how we would’ve spent these days... bitching via texts, meeting up for meals, going to the spa together?  Who knows...
It’s just that ... I feel so grateful I have my girls and they have me, but mother’s day just isn’t a lovely day.  That may sound so negative, but you’re one of the best moms I’ve ever known and you’re not here for me to celebrate.
I have so many more things to tell you.  Many more thoughts to share.  I promise to write soon.
I love you.
Happy mother’s day, Kerr!
XO

Remember Andrew’s 2nd Birthday Party?

Hi Kerr,

Do you remember Andrew’s 2nd birthday party?  I’m sure you do.  That morning I went with you to Deerfield’s Bakery to pick up the cake.  I got sick in the car, but I wasn’t sick sick like with the flu... I was sad sick.  Bubby had just died a month before and it felt so wrong to me that we were buying a cake and not going to have her triple layer insane yellow cake with chocolate filling and frosting.  I was so sad it made me sick.  I think I’m stronger now, mentally, so I’m fortunately not  sick, but it’s a similar feeling ... it’s wrong that you’re not going to be here today.  Every day is wrong without you.  But these big milestones (or even the weird little ones like the girls first Valentine’s Day) feel extra wrong without you.  Today is the girls’ first birthday party.
I’ve been wanting to write you over and over but haven’t.  Then last night I was in the car.  I had just dropped Simon off.  On the way there, Chicago came on and I told him how Allan always quizzed me to make sure I knew when Chicago was singing.  Once I dropped him off, “wind beneath my wings” came on.  I started crying.  Did I ever tell you you’re my hero, Kerry?  You used to tell me that you were sad lance and Jordan and I were all out there with our own companies and we all had lived in apartments in the city and travelled and you didn’t. But ya know what Kerr, you started a life with the MOST meaning early on.  You got to have Andrew and issac and Simon when you were young.  You never regretted it for a second or wanted a different life, you just wished you had done some of what we did, but I always wanted to grow up and be you.  Having the girls has shown me how much purpose and meaning each day can hold... you had that so early on!  You were always my hero.  A strong woman.  An incredible mom.  A heart of gold.
I want you to know the boys are great.  I just started crying again at the thought of writing “issac is 18”.  It breaks my heart that he’s 18.  That kid has filled our life with so much happiness and humor and love and him being 18 means he’s going to go to college in the fall.  (We don’t know where yet.). I seriously cannot imagine him away.  I also feel like him being 18 means he doesn’t need me.  That’s hard.
Andrew has such a good head on his shoulders.  He has a job and is doing great at school and is just so well grounded.  I wish he was home for the party but he deserves a fun break and is in Florida for spring break.
Simon is killing it in high school.  I’m so proud of him!  Bowling team, going out for football and fabulous grades.  I get so excited to watch the girls with him.  They light up around him; they love him so much.
I’ll miss you today, Kerr.  And don’t worry... I got a 2 tier cake AND cupcakes because I was afraid we wouldn’t have enough dessert :)
XO
Me