Hi Kerr,
I’ve been wanting to write you for awhile. I’m not sure if I haven’t because life is busy or if it’s because I still just don’t want November 21st to be a reality. I have thought every year now that if I change my actions proceeding 11/21 then maybe the same things won’t happen that day. When I say it or write it, I know it sounds crazy, but if you think of Back To the Future, then it makes sense... sorta. Maybe I can change the past with my present actions. I know it can’t happen, but I so want it to. And I don’t think this is a sort of “I could’ve kept you from dying” way. No one could have. It’s not regret. It’s just hoping I can change the past. So, yes, I’ve been wanting to write for awhile ... so this may be rambly.
The thing is, it’s been 4 years but life’s not easier without you. It’s harder because you’re missing it all. Andrew’s 20 and thriving at school - nailing his fraternity’s philanthropy, working hard at school, and still being one awesome young man. He also got the cutest little puppy named Fenway! He’s a good dog dad. Issac is Harley’s faaaaaaaaavorite!! She’s sooo in love with him. He’s still your sweet, smart, big hearted boy. You would be stressed to the max though because he has only applied to Georgia (which I know he can get into) but woahhhhhh! We discussed how you’d be going crazy. Omg Simon is absolutely crushing high school. His grades are great, he made the bowling team (and looks so handsome in his jersey) and is going out for football next year (I know, I know... it’s scary but he’ll be alright). Simon absolutely addooorreees the girls and, if it’s possible, I think they adore him even more.
Andrew said something when we went to visit him a few weeks ago. He said he’s no longer anyone’s #1. Kids are their parents #1s. You’re both gone. I want to dispute his statement. I wanted to tell him how he became my #1, along with his brothers, each day they were born. Because it’s true... and you always knew it. I’ve always loved those boys like they were mine. I always said I’d easily take a bullet for them. It hasn’t changed. People ask me about kids I have and my family, etc. and I always say I have 8 month old twins and 3 teenage boys, my nephews (woah! Andrew’s not a teen.). But here’s the thing... I’m not going to dispute him. I’m not going to try to tell him all the reasons he’s wrong because he’s one of my #1s because he’s not wrong. He’s not wrong, deposite how I feel about him, because I may love him LIKE he’s my own, but he’s not. He’s yours and Allan’s. No one can replace you. No one can be his mom nor his dad or share in that love the same way. The reason I want to tell him he’s wrong is because I want him to be wrong. I want it to be wrong. I want you being gone not to be true.
It’s all not fair. And the girls will never know but they’ve been really cheated by not having their Auntie Kerry. You would’ve just been the end-all be-all Aunt. And the funny thing is, as much as you would’ve liked nieces (mostly buying them clothes & bows & taking them for manicures), I think Miles would’ve been your favorite. You loved your boys. You loved being a mom of boys. Miles would’ve held an extra special spot in your heart.
The bottom line is, I love you. I miss you and life just isn’t the same without; as much as I love our family and our home and the blessings I do have, I still know life would be better with you in it.
XOXO
Me
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
Monday, September 17, 2018
Lucky girls
Hi Kerr,
Today I had the best moment of my life, thus far. And I know these girls will continue to provide many more. Kenna & Harley were making each other laugh. They were talking to one another and belly-laughing. I’m still reveling in the feeling. I’m so happy and so in love with them. They’re so lucky to have one another. They’re each lucky to have a sister. I am lucky to have had you.
This past weekend I had a client’s wedding. Normally, speech time can pose its difficulties for me when the maid of honor is the bride’s sister. It wasn’t the case in this wedding and so I thought nothing of it, but the groom’s brother was his best man and gave the toast. He explained how they have a 12 year age gap... ironic (with 2 siblings in between). And that they only started to get close in recent years because what 18 year old wants to hang with a 6 year old? :) we started getting close when Andrew was born. I was 10. I got 26 years with you. 16 of which, you were my best friend.
The day we found out Kenna & Harley were girls, I knew you had a hand in it. You sent me sisters, and today I got to see their bond really begin to bloom. Having a sister is a bond no one can really describe and no one can really replace. I was lucky to have you. They’re lucky to have each other.
XO
Me
Today I had the best moment of my life, thus far. And I know these girls will continue to provide many more. Kenna & Harley were making each other laugh. They were talking to one another and belly-laughing. I’m still reveling in the feeling. I’m so happy and so in love with them. They’re so lucky to have one another. They’re each lucky to have a sister. I am lucky to have had you.
This past weekend I had a client’s wedding. Normally, speech time can pose its difficulties for me when the maid of honor is the bride’s sister. It wasn’t the case in this wedding and so I thought nothing of it, but the groom’s brother was his best man and gave the toast. He explained how they have a 12 year age gap... ironic (with 2 siblings in between). And that they only started to get close in recent years because what 18 year old wants to hang with a 6 year old? :) we started getting close when Andrew was born. I was 10. I got 26 years with you. 16 of which, you were my best friend.
The day we found out Kenna & Harley were girls, I knew you had a hand in it. You sent me sisters, and today I got to see their bond really begin to bloom. Having a sister is a bond no one can really describe and no one can really replace. I was lucky to have you. They’re lucky to have each other.
XO
Me
Sunday, July 15, 2018
Fraydee Kaylee
Good morning Kerr,
I’m awake because (1) BOTH girls went down without crying and didn’t need us to go back in once and have now BOTH been sleeping all night. I’m guessing someone will wake up once within the next 2 hours, but I just had to check the monitor and make sure they were okay. They’ve each slept thru the night a few times, but never the same night. We’re very lucky, though. They stay in their cribs 11 hours at night and when/if they do get up, they only need to be given a pacifier. Second reason I’m up is because the girls’ baby naming is today! Last night after they went down, Mac and I hopped into action! We went outside, setup the backyard, then went all around the house making sure it was in order and clutter free. I was then sitting on the couch thinking to myself ... wow - you’re pretty anxious for an event that’s not so big. I’ve coordinated out of town weddings for 200 people with 12 out of town vendors and the ceremony address kept a secret from the guests and I’ve been less anxious for that. Why am I so anxious for this? I do think a lot of it is anxious-excited. It’s such a special day for the girls and us as parents and the family. It’s sort of that first real moment I’m doing something super significant as a mom. Yes, I’ve given birth ... but since then, it’s felt funny to go to the dr and say “Kenna and Harley’s mom”. Like someone hasn’t stamped it into the official book yet. I’m a mom. I’m a mom?!? I’m a mom! To 2! It just hasn’t sunk in maybe... sounds strange but you do become one all of a sudden (and also 9 months in the making) and then boom - you’ve got a new title. So maybe today’s when in it sinks in. Mom Tessi. As if we’re not just entering the girls into the Jewish covenant but also me as this new person - mom Tessi.
But obviously, I’m also anxious for tomorrow because of you. You’re not coming. This is one of those days you’d be excited for and super helpful for. You would’ve had me get the full sheet cake and chocolate covered pretzels and Rice Krispie treats, too. You would’ve been here early to hold the girls as I setup or go put out the floral arrangements for me. (Mom will be here. Don’t worry.). You would’ve talked to the girls in a way I can imagine so crystal clear!! I can see it perfectly in my head. I’ll always want you around for the every-day, but it’s these bigger days when it hits. When that hole shows it’s ugly self reminding you something just doesn’t feel right... somethings just not complete. Like when you leave for the airport and feel like you’re forgetting something...
I just had to go in and give Harley her pacifier.
Are you trying to tell me something? Is it to stop writing to you right now? Just enjoy the day?
I will. And I’ll give them extra kisses from you.
I love you.
XO
I’m awake because (1) BOTH girls went down without crying and didn’t need us to go back in once and have now BOTH been sleeping all night. I’m guessing someone will wake up once within the next 2 hours, but I just had to check the monitor and make sure they were okay. They’ve each slept thru the night a few times, but never the same night. We’re very lucky, though. They stay in their cribs 11 hours at night and when/if they do get up, they only need to be given a pacifier. Second reason I’m up is because the girls’ baby naming is today! Last night after they went down, Mac and I hopped into action! We went outside, setup the backyard, then went all around the house making sure it was in order and clutter free. I was then sitting on the couch thinking to myself ... wow - you’re pretty anxious for an event that’s not so big. I’ve coordinated out of town weddings for 200 people with 12 out of town vendors and the ceremony address kept a secret from the guests and I’ve been less anxious for that. Why am I so anxious for this? I do think a lot of it is anxious-excited. It’s such a special day for the girls and us as parents and the family. It’s sort of that first real moment I’m doing something super significant as a mom. Yes, I’ve given birth ... but since then, it’s felt funny to go to the dr and say “Kenna and Harley’s mom”. Like someone hasn’t stamped it into the official book yet. I’m a mom. I’m a mom?!? I’m a mom! To 2! It just hasn’t sunk in maybe... sounds strange but you do become one all of a sudden (and also 9 months in the making) and then boom - you’ve got a new title. So maybe today’s when in it sinks in. Mom Tessi. As if we’re not just entering the girls into the Jewish covenant but also me as this new person - mom Tessi.
But obviously, I’m also anxious for tomorrow because of you. You’re not coming. This is one of those days you’d be excited for and super helpful for. You would’ve had me get the full sheet cake and chocolate covered pretzels and Rice Krispie treats, too. You would’ve been here early to hold the girls as I setup or go put out the floral arrangements for me. (Mom will be here. Don’t worry.). You would’ve talked to the girls in a way I can imagine so crystal clear!! I can see it perfectly in my head. I’ll always want you around for the every-day, but it’s these bigger days when it hits. When that hole shows it’s ugly self reminding you something just doesn’t feel right... somethings just not complete. Like when you leave for the airport and feel like you’re forgetting something...
I just had to go in and give Harley her pacifier.
Are you trying to tell me something? Is it to stop writing to you right now? Just enjoy the day?
I will. And I’ll give them extra kisses from you.
I love you.
XO
Saturday, May 12, 2018
Happy Mother’s Day to you
Hi Kerr Bear
Happy mother’s day to you. “The best mom to my nephews” as I always would write in your cards. You still are. They still act every day in the manner in which you raised them. They’re still incredible boys because of YOU. Andrew just finished freshman year of college at University of Louisville with a 3.2! And got into the business school! And instead of going to the Derby, he worked it - such drive and determination. Issac did phenomenal on his ACTs (and on the first try). I can’t wait to see where he’ll end up for college. Simon is doing well in school - got a 100 on a math test! And his grades this half will be better than they’ve been in years!
I haven’t written to you since February. Life’s been busy! I had the girls (after a couple hospital stays) on March 10th and March 11th. Yeeeesss - 2 birthdays! You would’ve totally insisted on 2 parties and you would’ve helped me plan each one every year. Kenna Faye (3.10) is named after you and Harley Fiona (3.11) is named after Bubby, Papa and Mac’s Grandparents. The girls are so cute & I love them so much but man oh man is it hard. There are many moments I want to text you and tell you things that most people would probably frown upon but you’d tell me it was okay and you thought those things, too, sometimes. I’m currently holding a sleepy Harley in my arms and watching Kenna sleep on her belly cause she failed at tummy time. My life really did a 180 and totally revolves around them (and their 3 hour sleep schedule). I breastfed for 6-7 weeks ... welll, I exclusively pumped since they were little and we needed to measure how much they were eating. I got mastitis twice and it sucked so bad. I had to stop ... I was miserable with the pumping schedule and the infection. I think it’s officially done now. You would’ve just zipped your mouth and rolled your eyes in an “I told you so” kind of way. But don’t worry - Simon did it for you. He said “you shouldn’t have breastfed”. “Mom always said not to.” Sure, I’m glad they got the nutrients and antibodies but I do think you were pretty right with that one. Simon is amazing with the babies!! He holds them and calms them and talks to them and isn’t afraid to!
I told Mac the other night that I’m not sooo excited for my first mother’s day. Maybe it’s because you’re not here which puts a sting on it or maybe it’s because, for a few years now, the love I’ve had for your boys is like they were my own. I know - weird statement. But I don’t feel like this is my first mother’s day. By no means am I saying I’m a mother to those boys, but I do love them like they were my own. I’d do anything and everything for them. I hate this day for them. The whole country stops in May to celebrate moms, but theirs isn’t here to celebrate. I hope they’re celebrating their memories with you, but I just bet the day blows. I know on your birthday or death anniversary, I just wish the day away. I wonder if mother’s day is like that for them.
This post was a bit rambly (yup - not a word) but that’s how my brain works lately. It’s all over the place. Soooo much going on and so busy - real estate, events by Tess, groceries, dinners, dishes, laundry, bills, dr appts, life appts, travel, gifts to organize and then taking care of 2 infants. Woah! I just wish you were here for all the crazy.
Off to make some bottles - time to eat again.
Missing you always.
XO
Happy mother’s day to you. “The best mom to my nephews” as I always would write in your cards. You still are. They still act every day in the manner in which you raised them. They’re still incredible boys because of YOU. Andrew just finished freshman year of college at University of Louisville with a 3.2! And got into the business school! And instead of going to the Derby, he worked it - such drive and determination. Issac did phenomenal on his ACTs (and on the first try). I can’t wait to see where he’ll end up for college. Simon is doing well in school - got a 100 on a math test! And his grades this half will be better than they’ve been in years!
I haven’t written to you since February. Life’s been busy! I had the girls (after a couple hospital stays) on March 10th and March 11th. Yeeeesss - 2 birthdays! You would’ve totally insisted on 2 parties and you would’ve helped me plan each one every year. Kenna Faye (3.10) is named after you and Harley Fiona (3.11) is named after Bubby, Papa and Mac’s Grandparents. The girls are so cute & I love them so much but man oh man is it hard. There are many moments I want to text you and tell you things that most people would probably frown upon but you’d tell me it was okay and you thought those things, too, sometimes. I’m currently holding a sleepy Harley in my arms and watching Kenna sleep on her belly cause she failed at tummy time. My life really did a 180 and totally revolves around them (and their 3 hour sleep schedule). I breastfed for 6-7 weeks ... welll, I exclusively pumped since they were little and we needed to measure how much they were eating. I got mastitis twice and it sucked so bad. I had to stop ... I was miserable with the pumping schedule and the infection. I think it’s officially done now. You would’ve just zipped your mouth and rolled your eyes in an “I told you so” kind of way. But don’t worry - Simon did it for you. He said “you shouldn’t have breastfed”. “Mom always said not to.” Sure, I’m glad they got the nutrients and antibodies but I do think you were pretty right with that one. Simon is amazing with the babies!! He holds them and calms them and talks to them and isn’t afraid to!
I told Mac the other night that I’m not sooo excited for my first mother’s day. Maybe it’s because you’re not here which puts a sting on it or maybe it’s because, for a few years now, the love I’ve had for your boys is like they were my own. I know - weird statement. But I don’t feel like this is my first mother’s day. By no means am I saying I’m a mother to those boys, but I do love them like they were my own. I’d do anything and everything for them. I hate this day for them. The whole country stops in May to celebrate moms, but theirs isn’t here to celebrate. I hope they’re celebrating their memories with you, but I just bet the day blows. I know on your birthday or death anniversary, I just wish the day away. I wonder if mother’s day is like that for them.
This post was a bit rambly (yup - not a word) but that’s how my brain works lately. It’s all over the place. Soooo much going on and so busy - real estate, events by Tess, groceries, dinners, dishes, laundry, bills, dr appts, life appts, travel, gifts to organize and then taking care of 2 infants. Woah! I just wish you were here for all the crazy.
Off to make some bottles - time to eat again.
Missing you always.
XO
Monday, February 26, 2018
Hard without you
Hi Kerr,
I’ve been doing this whole pregnancy thing without you. I’ve thought about you the entire time, but because I was never pregnant while you were alive, I’ve just had more of a longing for you (like I do all the time) rather than reminiscent of what would be if you were here like it had been before. I just simply don’t know what it is to have you while I’m pregnant. Like I’ve said before, though, my friends have been an incredible force. It’s like they check in as you would constantly wanting to know how I’m doing.
I’ve been doing okay. When we found out we were pregnant I, of course, longed to tell you. At each shower, I longed to have you there. I tearfully look forward wishing I could have photos of you meeting these girls for the first time. I even think I would’ve tried to convince you to be our nanny... despite all of this, I’ve been doing okay. Maybe it’s because the boys are around and they always make my soul more complete or maybe it’s because Simon has named one of the girls and Issac the other (totally random & totally cool) so it’s like you have such a big part in their lives already, but I’m not as broken through this pregnancy without you as I thought I’d be. Writing that sounds bitchy - but it’s not the intent :) Thing is, though, it just got hard...
I had my doctor appointment last week Tuesday. I got to the weekly appointment marker. I was more dilated, further effaced and having frequent contractions so she had me go into the hospital for observation. Things progressed and now I’m here, seemingly, until these girls come. We’ve managed to stall the labor and are now at 34 weeks 1 day! Yay! I think we’ll meet these girls within 2 weeks, and that thought is really setting in. OMG!! I get to meet them so soon. How amazing. What’s hard is not having you here to keep me company every day. This is something that’s kind of happened before. I spent 10 days in the hospital and you were there every day (because I held you hostage), and I know you would’ve been here now. We keep asking “what would kerry have said” or “Kerry’s trying to tell me...”. Mac found the dime you sent when he bought dinner the other night. What were you telling him?
Bottom line - I just wish you were here. I wish you were holding my hand. I wish you were being pushy with the doctors. I wish you were going to shower these girls in a love no one else can match. I wish, I wish, I wish.
I’m closing my eyes now. Tight. Trying to feel your hug. Trying to smell your scent. Trying to have you here. I’m lucky I really did know you so well - I think I know what you’d tell me. I’ll try to listen <3
XO
Me
I’ve been doing this whole pregnancy thing without you. I’ve thought about you the entire time, but because I was never pregnant while you were alive, I’ve just had more of a longing for you (like I do all the time) rather than reminiscent of what would be if you were here like it had been before. I just simply don’t know what it is to have you while I’m pregnant. Like I’ve said before, though, my friends have been an incredible force. It’s like they check in as you would constantly wanting to know how I’m doing.
I’ve been doing okay. When we found out we were pregnant I, of course, longed to tell you. At each shower, I longed to have you there. I tearfully look forward wishing I could have photos of you meeting these girls for the first time. I even think I would’ve tried to convince you to be our nanny... despite all of this, I’ve been doing okay. Maybe it’s because the boys are around and they always make my soul more complete or maybe it’s because Simon has named one of the girls and Issac the other (totally random & totally cool) so it’s like you have such a big part in their lives already, but I’m not as broken through this pregnancy without you as I thought I’d be. Writing that sounds bitchy - but it’s not the intent :) Thing is, though, it just got hard...
I had my doctor appointment last week Tuesday. I got to the weekly appointment marker. I was more dilated, further effaced and having frequent contractions so she had me go into the hospital for observation. Things progressed and now I’m here, seemingly, until these girls come. We’ve managed to stall the labor and are now at 34 weeks 1 day! Yay! I think we’ll meet these girls within 2 weeks, and that thought is really setting in. OMG!! I get to meet them so soon. How amazing. What’s hard is not having you here to keep me company every day. This is something that’s kind of happened before. I spent 10 days in the hospital and you were there every day (because I held you hostage), and I know you would’ve been here now. We keep asking “what would kerry have said” or “Kerry’s trying to tell me...”. Mac found the dime you sent when he bought dinner the other night. What were you telling him?
Bottom line - I just wish you were here. I wish you were holding my hand. I wish you were being pushy with the doctors. I wish you were going to shower these girls in a love no one else can match. I wish, I wish, I wish.
I’m closing my eyes now. Tight. Trying to feel your hug. Trying to smell your scent. Trying to have you here. I’m lucky I really did know you so well - I think I know what you’d tell me. I’ll try to listen <3
XO
Me
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
25 years of memories.
Hey Kerr,
"this is us", the show I said you'd love, came back from winter break tonight. It was another great episode. The mom said something (again) which resonated with me. They were in a family counseling session and she said 'my kids had 17 years with their dad. That's all. 17 years of memories. They don't get any more.' (coincidentally, this quote came from the episode on a week where we have 2 big events I so badly wish you could be at.). I know, for so many reasons, I'm lucky I got 25 years of memories with you, but I want more.
To start,
You have a new nephew! Miles Allan Neuhauser. Jenna was a champ making Labor and delivery look easy on january 3rd with Miles coming in at 8lbs 15 oz and 22 inches long. The bris is tomorrow. You would've been so excited bringing all the cute custom sweets and more presents (because I can guarantee you would've already bought a ton). I'm so glad Miles has Allan's name. I can't wait to share all of Allan's life lessons with him. "You can't be the man if you work for the man." Chicago is the best band of all time. "If you've worked hard for the money which pays them, then it's like you cleaned the house yourself." Allan came into jordan and my life at such an influential time and he came in bigger than life as a loving teddy bear who loved us more than I could describe. As you know, Allan meant the world to jordan. It's so right his son should carry his name. I wish you could be here to see him honored.
And to continue with the baby theme,
My first baby shower is this weekend. It reminds me of my first bridal shower. I can't remember if I've told you this before, but here it is... I scheduled showings for the morning of my first bridal shower. Weird - yeah. I got home and lost it. I started crying to Mac that I couldn't imagine getting ready. I couldn't imagine going to the shower knowing you weren't going to be there. I cried and cried but knew I had to get dressed and put on makeup. It took me forever to do my makeup. I text dad while I was getting ready to tell him I hated that I couldn't feel you near me. That I needed to feel your presence. He told me to be patient, you were just at your manicure. Because I couldn't get my shit together, I was running late. While in the car, I heard the (then) new ed Sheeran song. Dad had talked to me about it the night before but I hadn't heard it yet so I thought he was referring to a different one. This one was called "photograph". The line which really hit me then was, "You can fit me Inside the necklace you got when you were sixteen Next to your heartbeat where I should be Keep it deep within your soul". That day, I was wearing your necklace. Your heart shaped necklace you lent me to wear to Maggie's wedding. I joked with you that you weren't going to get it back... welp . You didn't. Anyhoo, the song was a sign. It was what I needed.
I'll be looking for the signs tomorrow and Saturday and every day for the rest of my life. I hope you can see all that's going on around here. (There's quite a lot). I only have 25 years of memories with you, but I hold them forever just like I hold my love for you forever, in my heart.
XO
"this is us", the show I said you'd love, came back from winter break tonight. It was another great episode. The mom said something (again) which resonated with me. They were in a family counseling session and she said 'my kids had 17 years with their dad. That's all. 17 years of memories. They don't get any more.' (coincidentally, this quote came from the episode on a week where we have 2 big events I so badly wish you could be at.). I know, for so many reasons, I'm lucky I got 25 years of memories with you, but I want more.
To start,
You have a new nephew! Miles Allan Neuhauser. Jenna was a champ making Labor and delivery look easy on january 3rd with Miles coming in at 8lbs 15 oz and 22 inches long. The bris is tomorrow. You would've been so excited bringing all the cute custom sweets and more presents (because I can guarantee you would've already bought a ton). I'm so glad Miles has Allan's name. I can't wait to share all of Allan's life lessons with him. "You can't be the man if you work for the man." Chicago is the best band of all time. "If you've worked hard for the money which pays them, then it's like you cleaned the house yourself." Allan came into jordan and my life at such an influential time and he came in bigger than life as a loving teddy bear who loved us more than I could describe. As you know, Allan meant the world to jordan. It's so right his son should carry his name. I wish you could be here to see him honored.
And to continue with the baby theme,
My first baby shower is this weekend. It reminds me of my first bridal shower. I can't remember if I've told you this before, but here it is... I scheduled showings for the morning of my first bridal shower. Weird - yeah. I got home and lost it. I started crying to Mac that I couldn't imagine getting ready. I couldn't imagine going to the shower knowing you weren't going to be there. I cried and cried but knew I had to get dressed and put on makeup. It took me forever to do my makeup. I text dad while I was getting ready to tell him I hated that I couldn't feel you near me. That I needed to feel your presence. He told me to be patient, you were just at your manicure. Because I couldn't get my shit together, I was running late. While in the car, I heard the (then) new ed Sheeran song. Dad had talked to me about it the night before but I hadn't heard it yet so I thought he was referring to a different one. This one was called "photograph". The line which really hit me then was, "You can fit me Inside the necklace you got when you were sixteen Next to your heartbeat where I should be Keep it deep within your soul". That day, I was wearing your necklace. Your heart shaped necklace you lent me to wear to Maggie's wedding. I joked with you that you weren't going to get it back... welp . You didn't. Anyhoo, the song was a sign. It was what I needed.
I'll be looking for the signs tomorrow and Saturday and every day for the rest of my life. I hope you can see all that's going on around here. (There's quite a lot). I only have 25 years of memories with you, but I hold them forever just like I hold my love for you forever, in my heart.
XO
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)