Kerry, I'm pregnant!

Hi Kerr,

Again, it's been awhile since I've written.  And, again, it's not for the lack of wanting to.  I thought things were busy before, but I don't think I knew what busy really was and... that's going to take on an entirely new definition, again, come spring.  Mac and I are pregnant! With twins!  I wish I knew what your reaction would've been... questioning me (like mom) "no? You're kidding..." or just non stop laughter or tears?!  The best part is, your "aunt status" would've skyrocketed!  Lance & Erin and Jordan & Jenna are having babies, too!!

Now, none of us have had babies and had you in our lives  at the same time,  but it's the one thing I really, truly, wish I had... you.  Your insight, your reminders that you didn't know what you were doing when you had andrew and look at him now - he's a big thriving boy, your laughter, your love, your being in the delivery room (so long as you'd gotten past the fainting around medical stuff thing)... I miss you.  I miss everything you brought to my life and  everything you would've brought to it now.  You would've been the best aunt ever.  Hands down.  No questions. (Even better than me hahahahahahah)

A few years ago, we were once talking about when I'd have babies, and I said well... you better hope I'm not pregnant at Simon's Bar Mitzvah.  You asked why? And I said well... if it's too far along, I might not be so fabulous at getting his party together.  Well... I think you had a hand in the timing.  It took us 10 months to get pregnant, and of course, not without its complications but I seemed to have magically found out I was pregnant the week we started taking care of the boys and just a couple weeks before Simons bar mitzvah.  His party rocked! But man oh man was I sick and tired :)

Do you also remember when I was little - somewhere between 10 and 16 - for some reason we were talking about maternity clothes.  You told me that some day when I was pregnant I'd get to go shopping at pea in the pod because it's a store meant for people who were sticks before they got pregnant and I'm a skinny bitch... well despite my MAJOR anxiety over maternity clothes shopping, I went into pea in the pod and their  stuff is super cute (and super expensive).  The lady was showing me pants and said they ran from XS to XL but really just to large.  I couldn't help but giggle... you were right.  Skinny bitches. The pants fit pretty cute but I didn't get them.  I promise, though, I'll get one thing from pea in the pod just to make you happy (and pissed).

My anxiety around shopping for clothes has been insane - yeah, I know... me.. the girl who never gets anxious about shopping.  But it was.  Ilyssa took me, though, to go shopping.  She's been incredible.  Since you died, we talk all the time.  She's always just checking in.  And since I got pregnant, she checks in every day.  She knows what to say just like you... I vent about something and the response is spot on.  Someone rear ends me (yup, my first car accident) and she tells me it'll all be okay but just see my dr to feel better.  She's become my sister and it's been so comforting.

There's so much more I could tell you... Simon's bar mitzvah was insane.  He did so well and is so poised.  His speeches, haftorah, Torah, etc was all done with such confidence.  Andrew is doing amazing at the university of Louisville - he's running to be on the board of his fraternity and getting great grades and happy and healthy.  Issac is my little angel always being helpful and honest and respectful and funny and gearing up for ACT/SAT time.  It's true that they grow up so fast...

I religiously watch this new show I think you'd LOVE!  It's called "this is us".  Last week's episode showed a character being present to watch her first grandchild come into the world, but she wished her husband would've been there.  She said something that really rang true:

"And that's just something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. The happiest moments will also be a little sad."

It's true... time makes life without you "the norm".  Life goes on and we go on and it becomes the reality that you're not going on with us, but the other truth is that I'll never stop wanting for you to be here.  To be a part of everything special and even everything hard.

My babies will know you.  They'll know their aunt.  They'll know your love.

I love you
XO