Now and Forever

Hi Kerr Bear,

It's been a few months since I've written but not due to any lack of wanting to.  Maybe I've started to believe you can see what's going on around here... or maybe it's just been busy ... but it's Mother's Day & I want to tell you about your boys.

Andrew went to prom last night!!! Prom! Andrew! He's 18.5 this week!!! He looked so handsome!!! I think he looks just like Allan.  You would've been taking so many pictures!!!  Issac and Simon looked nice and came with so we got good ones of the 3 of them. And Soph looked out of this world stunning.  It's funny but I think she's a lot like you.  She has the biggest heart, she's beautiful, and she has such confidence in how she carries herself.  I love them together and loved seeing them off to prom.  Earlier this week was varsity night for baseball.  It was such an honor for andrew to ask me to walk him out to the field.  I love that kid ❤️ He's just so kind and sweet and passionate and caring and when he smiles, he looks even more like Allan.   Oh how I miss you both.

Issac keeps getting taller and bigger!! He's becoming such a man, too!  Can you believe we'll go for his drivers license in a few weeks?! I just can't believe how quickly time is moving and how old they're getting.  I feel like I was just going through ACT stuff with andrew and then college visits, but now Issac will be doing the same thing this coming year.  Crazy. I worry about him, though.  He's so smart and empathetic and truly wants to make everyone he cares about happy, but I want him to focus on his own happiness too.  He's still so funny.  Gosh - I just remember how he could always make you laugh.

Simon and I are doing well!! I feel like we got even closer this week.  We keep making strides.  It's hard... I'm sure it feels like I'm trying to replace you, but I never would want to.  I never could, either.  I just want so badly to help him.  He's still so young but yet had so much life handed to him already.  His bar mitzvah invitations went out last week.  They say Simon Howie.  Yup - not his name.  (Even though that's what I told you I wanted... although, a different spelling - HOWWE).  He decided he doesn't like Howard but likes Howie better.  When I told him I didn't like the idea of putting a different name on the invitation than the one you and Allan gave him and that I thought you'd be upset,, he said he gets that but he would've worked you over eventually... that statement worked me over :) Simon Howie it is.  I have his montage appointment in a month.  I'll go to the house soon and get all of your  well organized photo albums to start looking through.  I don't think I'm going to use this song in the montage, but I keep coming back to "now and forever" by Carole king.  The words just seem to ring true...

"We had a moment
Just one moment
That will last beyond a dream, beyond a lifetime
We are the lucky ones
Some people never get to do
All we got to do
Now and forever
I will always be with you"

You will always be with Simon.  It's a fitting song, but I also connect with it.
I try to listen to those words and appreciate what we did have.  Our bond was greater than what so many people share with their siblings or friends.
We just clicked.
We just for each other.
Oh how I miss you.

"I miss the tears
I miss the laughter
I miss the day we met and all that followed ever"

Today is your day.  It's Mother's Day.  And although you are not here, you live on in those boys.  (But seriously, you do... andrew made Bub feel like crap about how she made you buy your own jeans!! It was great! He told the story just like you used to)
You are still the greatest mother ever. Every day they live just as you raised them to - they're good boys and it's because of you.  So just like I used to write in the card I gave you every year on Mother's Day, "thanks for being the best mom for my nephews!"

Xoxo
"Now and forever
You are apart of me"