Hi Kerr,
Timehop ... it's a pretty cool app but today it wasn't as fun. Today, thanksgiving, a day when most are happy and indulgent, I woke up to memories of the day we said goodbye to you. 2 years ago today. One of the hardest days of my life... second to the day you died. The interesting thing, though, as I read through all of the comments made on a photo I posted that day, was the memories of how much love and support we received and continue to receive. There were something like 400 people at your service and they came to the house and continued to send dinners to the boys and continued to check in. On a day when it can be easy to feel not so thankful if you focus on all of the sadness, timehop found me a silver lining.
I'm thankful for who you were - you had the biggest heart always caring about others and doing for others first. You had the warnest home! Always so decorated for each holiday and so inviting - such a happy place. You had such a unique personality. Few people actually have the ability to give zero fucks if someone doesn't like their honesty or their true colors, but you did. You wore your heart on your sleeve and said what you wanted when you wanted and lived with conviction... 400 people showed up for your service because you were so unique and so warm and so loving. I'm thankful for all you gave me in the 26 years we had together - you gave me someone to admire and aspire to be. You showed me how to be a sister, a daughter, a mom and a friend. I'm so thankful for the bond we shared and I'm especially thankful for the boys ... the greatest gift you could have ever given me ... ever.
Andrew. He got into ALL 4 COLLEGES HE APPLIED TO!!!!!!!! That kid has worked so hard to be an incredible student, teammate, brother, cousin, nephew, grandson, boyfriend and friend. He's just such a gentle giant growing more and more like Allan every day. We took him to Canada for his 18th birthday so he could gamble and drink. He gambles like you and Allan & did very well!!! Lance and jordan taught him how to make fun of mom ... epic. The best part is, he's blush doing it because he's not good at being mean :) he hasn't decided where he's going to school yet - I'll keep you posted. All I can say is dropping him off will be sooooo hard.
Fletchy. Such a kind boy. He's 15 and I think it's a little difficult right now ... battling being such a good kid with the ability to get into trouble. There's drinking and smoking and he's still staying strong -being a good young man. He takes pride in getting good grades, in being a good friend and in being a source of strength for his friends. I can't believe how tall and strong he's getting!! To look back at photos and watch how he's changed and grown is incredible.
Simon oh Simon. I love him so. We have our good days and our bad days. He doesn't always want to hug me or even talk to me but I also know it's a huge sign of conviction. He can make up his mind and stick to it like no one I've ever seen. And he can make me happier than almost no one I've ever seen. When Simon shows me love, my heart lights up!
Zion will be bar mitzvahed in 2 months!! I just sent his invites out. He's been working very hard on his Torah portion and I know he's going to do so well! I'm low on his list of favorites ... I represent discipline and rules to him - zero fun. I always think that one day he'll love me and know I was strict because I thought it was the best for him. He's so smart and I just want him to have the best he can.
Im hosting thanksgiving today. I'm still lying in bed ... haven't setup the tables yet or cooked what I'm responsible for yet (your corn soufle, green bean casserole, crescent rolls, cranberries and stuffed mushrooms). The house doesn't have any festive thanksgiving things like you would've had. One day I will! Right now home stores are too overwhelming. Decorating a house is overwhelming!!! I do have your table linens and napkin rings, though. We used them on rosh hashana and I'll use them today. They make it feel more like fall. I also made pretty cool floral arrangements for the tables.
I miss you today. I miss you every day. Today is hard and harder than some, but today I want to feel thankful. I'm thankful we had the sister bond and friendship we did and one I can carry with me forever. I'm thankful for my nephews - my heart and soul. I'm thankful for mac and what a good man he is. I'm thankful for our family and the love we share.
I really hope you get to have Bubbys turkey and stuffing today - hers has always been the best.
xoxo always
me
Thursday, November 24, 2016
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
We bought a house...
Hi Kerr,
I'm sitting in my new kitchen (built in bench seating) while 2 men are assembling our new furniture. I have a cup of tea next to me because, of course, in the middle of moving, I'm having an awful sinus/allergy issue and my back is out... But I'm happy. I was sitting here thinking about the happy memories Mac and I will create here, and I wished you'd be apart of them.
Jenna came by yesterday. Can you believe she'll be a kindergarten teacher at the k-2 school my kids will go to?! Makes me think her job and our house were all meant to be. She was looking at all of the light fixtures and said you'd love them. It's true. They have hanging crystals and are modern just like your kitchen.
You'd love everything about the house, but mostly, you would've loved me being closer to you. The big boys came yesterday to help unload the truck. They're amazing. You'd love how goofy they are (and you'd hate it and freak when they get annoying which would probably just cause them to burst out laughing).
I'm going to host rosh hashanah this year. And probably kol nidre or break the fast. Whatever mom wants. She doesn't like having the holidays anymore.... Especially what you would've hosted. Michelle was excited when she found out we we're moving to the burbs because last year she had both nights - we went by her for the second. I'm imagining where I'll put the buffet table and an additional kids table. It's nice we'll have the space. I always said I'd never host and that you'd get to do it forever. I imagined that maybe I'd have to once you were gone later in life, but I'd be so old by then that (1) I'd be mature enough to do it or (2) we'd eat out. :-)
I guess that time has come quicker than I'd ever imagined....
I miss you so terribly. With every new adventure in life or every turn or even every lame or shallow update, I wish you were there... To text, to call, to see.... There are days it seems to get harder, not easier, because it's proof you won't be apart of whatever I wanted and needed you for. Kelly (elyses daughter) had a baby boy! The bris was very nice but very hard. While attending, it really dawned on me that you won't be around for my kids. That they won't know the worlds best aunt. You won't be there to calm me down while I'm psycho during pregnancy and labor and raising children.... Oh how I miss you.
I love that now I'm closer to the boys. I love that you'd love our new house. I can't wait to feel you here and have you help make it a home.
Missing you always,
Me
Xo
I'm sitting in my new kitchen (built in bench seating) while 2 men are assembling our new furniture. I have a cup of tea next to me because, of course, in the middle of moving, I'm having an awful sinus/allergy issue and my back is out... But I'm happy. I was sitting here thinking about the happy memories Mac and I will create here, and I wished you'd be apart of them.
Jenna came by yesterday. Can you believe she'll be a kindergarten teacher at the k-2 school my kids will go to?! Makes me think her job and our house were all meant to be. She was looking at all of the light fixtures and said you'd love them. It's true. They have hanging crystals and are modern just like your kitchen.
You'd love everything about the house, but mostly, you would've loved me being closer to you. The big boys came yesterday to help unload the truck. They're amazing. You'd love how goofy they are (and you'd hate it and freak when they get annoying which would probably just cause them to burst out laughing).
I'm going to host rosh hashanah this year. And probably kol nidre or break the fast. Whatever mom wants. She doesn't like having the holidays anymore.... Especially what you would've hosted. Michelle was excited when she found out we we're moving to the burbs because last year she had both nights - we went by her for the second. I'm imagining where I'll put the buffet table and an additional kids table. It's nice we'll have the space. I always said I'd never host and that you'd get to do it forever. I imagined that maybe I'd have to once you were gone later in life, but I'd be so old by then that (1) I'd be mature enough to do it or (2) we'd eat out. :-)
I guess that time has come quicker than I'd ever imagined....
I miss you so terribly. With every new adventure in life or every turn or even every lame or shallow update, I wish you were there... To text, to call, to see.... There are days it seems to get harder, not easier, because it's proof you won't be apart of whatever I wanted and needed you for. Kelly (elyses daughter) had a baby boy! The bris was very nice but very hard. While attending, it really dawned on me that you won't be around for my kids. That they won't know the worlds best aunt. You won't be there to calm me down while I'm psycho during pregnancy and labor and raising children.... Oh how I miss you.
I love that now I'm closer to the boys. I love that you'd love our new house. I can't wait to feel you here and have you help make it a home.
Missing you always,
Me
Xo
Friday, May 6, 2016
A Full Heart
Hi Kerr,
It's been awhile since I posted. I actually was talking with Andrew a couple of weeks ago about feeling like I haven't been dealing with my emotions of not having you, lately. Dumbass BLueCross dropped me from their insurance and my new one doesn't consider my therapist in network so no more therapy for me (and no, I don't want to find a new therapist that is in-network. I liked Katie!). Andrew asked about my blogging as an outlet and said I hadn't posted in awhile... What a mature kid!
Well I was wanting to write to you this week.
it's Mother's Day on Sunday. Last year, Mother's Day weekend was the hardest weekend for me since the day you passed. The Saturday of Mother's Day weekend 2015 was my first wedding shower, and in fact, my first wedding festivity, without you. It was so difficult for me. I could barely get myself together to go and cried the rest of the day. It was beautiful, but without you, I felt empty. That day I heard "photograph" by Ed Sheeran for the first time. Okay, so interesting story... And honestly, I may have written about it before but as you know, we retell stories in this family :) the night before the shower, we went to Lou Malnatis to celebrate lances birthday. Dad told me he heard the song him and mom were going to dance to at my wedding. I was like (a) you and mom don't have a special dance at my wedding and (b) what song? He said that Ed Sheeran one and I thought he was talking about a different one than he was ("thinking out loud") So I squashed that. Fast forward to the next morning. I scheduled showings for the morning of my shower - yeah, I'm an idiot. The second I finished them and parted ways with my client, I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. I came home, started crying again. I couldn't get myself together to put on makeup and get ready for the shower. I text dad and said I needed to feel you with me. I couldn't do it all without you. He told me to stop trying so hard, you were at your manicure and would be with me shortly. I got myself together, got in the car and started rushing to the shower because I was running lAte. When I got in the car, and turned on the radio, "photograph" by Ed sheeran came on. And there you were. It now made sense to me that THiS was the song dad was talking about. "We keep this love in a photograph... " and then I heard the verse that really clinched it. I was wearing the gold diamond heart necklace of yours. I took it for Maggie's wedding but didn't give it back :) I wanted to have something of yours on me so I was wearing it. "You can fit me inside the necklace you got when you were 16 next to your heartbeat where I should be, keep it deep within your soul". I knew you were with me. The shower was beautiful! Spent the day celebrating and on the drive home, cried hysterically again. You leave such a hole that can't be filled. I woke up the next morning on Mother's Day instantly full of tears streaming down my face. I was running so late to pickup the boys for brunch at J&Js because I, once again, couldn't get my shit together. Walking into the house, I lost it again because the boys had gotten me flowers, a card, a jewelry box and a bracket to thank me for all I do for them. I don't think they'll ever know quite what that meant to me.
I also wanted to write you this week because I'm looking after the boys this weekend. Steve is headed to Vegas on a much needed getaway. I text the boys yesterday to say we should do a movie tonight and dinner Saturday and Sunday we have Mother's Day bowling brunch and Saturday they have games so it would be a full weekend. I was text back with "I'll be at my friends all weekend" "I have plans with friends" "my games will go long" etc. the boys are growing up!!!! They have friends and their own plans. It made me remember the times I would watch the kids when you'd go out of town and you'd have 5 page long notes for me on everywhere they needed to be and when. It definitely was busy. This weekend, I was afraid of being lonely. Well you must've had a hand in something because then I got a text asking if we could do a movie tonight and tomorrow! They want to hang with me!!!!! Feeling the love from those boys and having them in my life does truly make my heart full.
I miss you every day. I miss you especially this weekend.
Xoxo
Me
It's been awhile since I posted. I actually was talking with Andrew a couple of weeks ago about feeling like I haven't been dealing with my emotions of not having you, lately. Dumbass BLueCross dropped me from their insurance and my new one doesn't consider my therapist in network so no more therapy for me (and no, I don't want to find a new therapist that is in-network. I liked Katie!). Andrew asked about my blogging as an outlet and said I hadn't posted in awhile... What a mature kid!
Well I was wanting to write to you this week.
it's Mother's Day on Sunday. Last year, Mother's Day weekend was the hardest weekend for me since the day you passed. The Saturday of Mother's Day weekend 2015 was my first wedding shower, and in fact, my first wedding festivity, without you. It was so difficult for me. I could barely get myself together to go and cried the rest of the day. It was beautiful, but without you, I felt empty. That day I heard "photograph" by Ed Sheeran for the first time. Okay, so interesting story... And honestly, I may have written about it before but as you know, we retell stories in this family :) the night before the shower, we went to Lou Malnatis to celebrate lances birthday. Dad told me he heard the song him and mom were going to dance to at my wedding. I was like (a) you and mom don't have a special dance at my wedding and (b) what song? He said that Ed Sheeran one and I thought he was talking about a different one than he was ("thinking out loud") So I squashed that. Fast forward to the next morning. I scheduled showings for the morning of my shower - yeah, I'm an idiot. The second I finished them and parted ways with my client, I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. I came home, started crying again. I couldn't get myself together to put on makeup and get ready for the shower. I text dad and said I needed to feel you with me. I couldn't do it all without you. He told me to stop trying so hard, you were at your manicure and would be with me shortly. I got myself together, got in the car and started rushing to the shower because I was running lAte. When I got in the car, and turned on the radio, "photograph" by Ed sheeran came on. And there you were. It now made sense to me that THiS was the song dad was talking about. "We keep this love in a photograph... " and then I heard the verse that really clinched it. I was wearing the gold diamond heart necklace of yours. I took it for Maggie's wedding but didn't give it back :) I wanted to have something of yours on me so I was wearing it. "You can fit me inside the necklace you got when you were 16 next to your heartbeat where I should be, keep it deep within your soul". I knew you were with me. The shower was beautiful! Spent the day celebrating and on the drive home, cried hysterically again. You leave such a hole that can't be filled. I woke up the next morning on Mother's Day instantly full of tears streaming down my face. I was running so late to pickup the boys for brunch at J&Js because I, once again, couldn't get my shit together. Walking into the house, I lost it again because the boys had gotten me flowers, a card, a jewelry box and a bracket to thank me for all I do for them. I don't think they'll ever know quite what that meant to me.
I also wanted to write you this week because I'm looking after the boys this weekend. Steve is headed to Vegas on a much needed getaway. I text the boys yesterday to say we should do a movie tonight and dinner Saturday and Sunday we have Mother's Day bowling brunch and Saturday they have games so it would be a full weekend. I was text back with "I'll be at my friends all weekend" "I have plans with friends" "my games will go long" etc. the boys are growing up!!!! They have friends and their own plans. It made me remember the times I would watch the kids when you'd go out of town and you'd have 5 page long notes for me on everywhere they needed to be and when. It definitely was busy. This weekend, I was afraid of being lonely. Well you must've had a hand in something because then I got a text asking if we could do a movie tonight and tomorrow! They want to hang with me!!!!! Feeling the love from those boys and having them in my life does truly make my heart full.
I miss you every day. I miss you especially this weekend.
Xoxo
Me
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Happy Valentine's Day, Valentine!
Hi Kerr bear -
I haven't written in awhile... But as I drove to the boys today, I felt like writing to update you. It's very fitting - today is still our day. I've got 2 dozen donuts and heart shaped boxes of chocolate sitting next to me :)
Andrew looks more like Allan every day. You'd love how much of a giant he is - so tall & strong. He is definitely a Klein boy raised by you... Him and Soph took the act last weekend (yeah - I know ... I'm freaking out about him leaving me for college). Soph was feeling stressed so he bought her flowers. Good boy! I know you're so proud.
I swear to gd Issac is 6'3"! We'll find out at his doctor appointment tomorrow. He's as sweet and as sensitive as always ... I hope no one ever stifles his ability to be so loving.
Zion has glasses! He looks so cute - they're very fitting. His bar mitzvah is in less than a year. I think I've got the plan figured out ... I need you.
Simon made the volleyball team! He had his first game on Thursday and did really well! (I couldn't go but he had quite the entourage - bub, Issac, Andrew, Soph and Amy ... They face timed me in)
We love you. I wish I had an address to send you flowers.
Xoxo love always (especially today)
ME
I haven't written in awhile... But as I drove to the boys today, I felt like writing to update you. It's very fitting - today is still our day. I've got 2 dozen donuts and heart shaped boxes of chocolate sitting next to me :)
Andrew looks more like Allan every day. You'd love how much of a giant he is - so tall & strong. He is definitely a Klein boy raised by you... Him and Soph took the act last weekend (yeah - I know ... I'm freaking out about him leaving me for college). Soph was feeling stressed so he bought her flowers. Good boy! I know you're so proud.
I swear to gd Issac is 6'3"! We'll find out at his doctor appointment tomorrow. He's as sweet and as sensitive as always ... I hope no one ever stifles his ability to be so loving.
Zion has glasses! He looks so cute - they're very fitting. His bar mitzvah is in less than a year. I think I've got the plan figured out ... I need you.
Simon made the volleyball team! He had his first game on Thursday and did really well! (I couldn't go but he had quite the entourage - bub, Issac, Andrew, Soph and Amy ... They face timed me in)
We love you. I wish I had an address to send you flowers.
Xoxo love always (especially today)
ME
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Always our favorite
Dear Kerr,
My timehop app was very bittersweet today. It pulled up every time I wished you happy birthday on Facebook. The last time was wishing you an incredible year of health and happiness, and then of course, last year... The first time I wished you happy birthday without you really turning 39.
5 years ago, Jordan's status was "happy birthday to my favorite sister Kerry Klein Butman, sorry Tessi Neuhauser". The post made me smile. The truth is, you were everyone's favorite whatever - favorite sister, friend, daughter, wife, mother, aunt. You were really someone special, someone unique. Since you were young (and had to take care of me all the time :-) you always put people before you. You wanted everyone to be happy. I really think you were just like Bubby in that way. Caring for everyone and putting them before yourself.
I don't have much to say today. It may be the 2nd birthday since you've passed, but it hurts just as bad... Just as hard. I wish we were cruising the Mediterranean as planned (or you were in Bali as I know you planned with Tammy). I can't convey in words how much I truly wish we were even just sitting on the couch watching old movies ringing in your 40th. What I wouldn't give to have you back... I sincerely hope you're able to celebrate today. I love you!!!!!
Xoxo forever and always
me
My timehop app was very bittersweet today. It pulled up every time I wished you happy birthday on Facebook. The last time was wishing you an incredible year of health and happiness, and then of course, last year... The first time I wished you happy birthday without you really turning 39.
5 years ago, Jordan's status was "happy birthday to my favorite sister Kerry Klein Butman, sorry Tessi Neuhauser". The post made me smile. The truth is, you were everyone's favorite whatever - favorite sister, friend, daughter, wife, mother, aunt. You were really someone special, someone unique. Since you were young (and had to take care of me all the time :-) you always put people before you. You wanted everyone to be happy. I really think you were just like Bubby in that way. Caring for everyone and putting them before yourself.
I don't have much to say today. It may be the 2nd birthday since you've passed, but it hurts just as bad... Just as hard. I wish we were cruising the Mediterranean as planned (or you were in Bali as I know you planned with Tammy). I can't convey in words how much I truly wish we were even just sitting on the couch watching old movies ringing in your 40th. What I wouldn't give to have you back... I sincerely hope you're able to celebrate today. I love you!!!!!
Xoxo forever and always
me
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