38

 Dear Kerr Bear,

Tomorrow I turn 38.  The age you were when you died.  I was never supposed to catch up to you.  It is strange.  I have always thought about my life in 'Kerry' ... like a form of measurement.  When Kerry was 27, she had 2 kids already.  That's when I got married.  When Kerry was 29, she had 3 kids and was widowed.  That's when I had my first kids and the 3 boys.  So what's next.  I certainly hope I no longer have 'Kerry' measurement aka that I outlive you, but it's very strange.  I wish you were 50.5.  I wish you were still my form of measurement ... paving the way... showing me how to be a mom, traveling together, hanging together, texting, laughing, bitching, living ...  we surely would have enjoyed adult life together. 

I miss you.

I love you.

XO

Me

April Fools, for sure

 Dear Kerr,

April 1st.  April Fool’s Day.  And life’s cruelest joke was played 3 years ago.  I only wish it was all a terrible prank.  I’ve wanted to write for a while, but I avoid it (just like going to the gym) because sometimes it’s easier to avoid what’s hard.  Writing to you means taking time to feel and not just shake the thoughts aside or shove the lump of tears down.  And feeling my true feelings is a hard thing to do so I work everyday to keep living alongside the feelings instead of through them.  Duh I’m in therapy… so this is not bad.  It’s not avoidance.  It’s living with grief.  But it is important to let out what’s really inside some times so … here I am.  Why today?  Because I can’t just shove the feelings aside today.  THAT’s too hard on this day.  So, I might as well write to you.  

What to say that I haven’t already said before?  Nothing really.  So here are some of my wishes:

- I wish Simon could’ve seen hope through the pain

- I wish I could’ve helped him.  I still believe I could have.  I don’t know if I’ll shake that feeling or the guilt.

- I wish, despite all of the many beauties life has blessed me with, that I wasn’t also cursed with so many cruelties

- I wish you could’ve had the chance to show off what I know would’ve been the best Aunt in the world skills

- I wish my brain didn’t replay April 1st and the weeks following on repeat

- I wish my brain didn’t visualize Simon’s final moments

- I wish I could hug you (and smell the cookie perfume)

- I wish I wasn’t the one to tell mom and dad about Simon (not that I wish anyone else did… just don’t like being a part of that memory or even having it myself)

- I wish I could talk to Simon

So what will I do with all of these wishes I can’t find a genie to fulfill?  I’ll lean-in.  Maybe today.  Maybe not.  But I do try most other days.  I’ll lean into the beauty of my girls, the big boys, all of our family, friends I’m so lucky to have, joys at work, sunny days, puffy clouds, hippos, bulldogs, a hot fresh cup of coffee with vanilla creamer in the morning, the perfect song for the moment, a great hug…

I try to find the moments of joys most days.

Today I’m letting myself do the hard thing.  I’m letting myself feel.  Feel the sadness, feel the wishes, feel whatever comes. It’s like I can literally feel my heart breaking or having a harder time pumping.  Because… how could it not?  You’re all gone.  And that’s terrible!  All of the loss hurts me beyond belief.  But Simy?  It does feel like constantly being broken without a fix.  Maybe it can be a sick April Fool’s prank we all wake up from some day.

Until then… I hope you’re together.  Smiling, joking, laughing, and enjoying Passover around bubby’s table.

XO

Me

Uncle Marlow

 Kerr,

Today marks a year without Marlow.  Are you with him?  Is Bubby making cake?  Sadly, it’s like her dining room table is almost fully back together… the scene brings a smile and a giggle, though.  The yelling… the chatter… the good food.  FAMILY

The week Marlow went was really hard.  Visuals I hope to lose but probably won’t.  He had gotten quite thin (an understatement, but I’ll spare you a true description).  He still had his mind … on Sunday he told Mom to come over the next day because he needed a gallon of milk.  The month prior, he wouldn’t let us see him.  It was the point at which he knew the end was near and could feel it, and see it.  He made it clear he wasn’t going to put any of us through that.  Just a week before he passed, we had an hour long call.  Not because it was a ‘Marlow’ call but because it took all of his energy and lung capacity to get through a call.  So it was slow, but I cried through begging him to let me in, to help him.  He cried telling me he appreciated it, but he needed to do it his way and I needed to be okay with that.

Welp… that Sunday night, he knew he couldn’t do the rest alone.  So he called mom for a gallon of milk.  My mom didn’t know what she was walking into, but she went.  He didn’t need the milk.  He wasn’t eating or drinking.  He needed to get his last wishes down on paper with her.  Who would be the pallbearers, etc.  Mom let us know the end would be near.  I made my way over that day.  It was Kenna and Harley’s first day of school.  I had Lorna watching Dakota.  Mac was out of town.  I told Marlow all about their first day and what they were excited about.  He nodded, tried to engage.  I was glad we had the chat.  1 more after the hour long, emotional one.

Ultimately, he agreed to go to the hospital so he could get the right pain management.  The next 36-48 hours were hard.  Hard to see him in that pain… hard to see him take his last breath.  I’m glad I was with him, despite the hard visuals.  He was always, always there for us.  

Knowing us, though, there’s a funny story in all of it … you’d get a kick out of it.  That Monday, I had to leave the hospital to get home to the girls and get them to various activities.  I asked Lorna if she could stay so I could go back and advocate to have him transferred.  It was a long, heavy day.  But I had to stay positive and strong for the girls.  They were in the car, and we were on the way to dance class.  Blue and red lights and a siren came on behind me.  I thought ‘great… this is what I need added to this day’.  Immediately, the conversation went as follows:

Girls: ‘Omgosh you hit someone?!’

Me: ‘no! I didn’t hit anyone!’

Girls: ‘you crashed a car?!’

Me: ‘no!  I didn’t crash a car.’

The police officer comes to the window… my plate was expired.  I swear, I never got the reminder and nope… I hadn’t looked.  So he goes back to his car to run all of my info, etc.

Me: ‘it’s okay girls, I just didn’t buy the sticker for my license plate.’

Girls: ‘you don’t have money?!?!’

Me: ‘oh my gosh yes, I have money.  I just didn’t do it. All is well.’

The girls told everyone I got pulled over.  You’d be cracking up.  I could imagine the boys doing this to you when they were young.  The best is, I got off with a warning.  You’d say - oh sure… if it were me, I’d be arrested. :)

I like having this funny moment tied into the hard days.  It’s the only way we get through, right?  The parallel of pain and joy, of a breaking heart and the reality of life continuing.

I miss Marlow.

I miss you.

I miss everyone we’ve sadly lost.

Thanks for my dime yesterday.  I’d like to think it was Simon :) I need more signs from him.

XO

Love you,

Me

Golden Birthday

 Dear Kerr,

It’s Simon’s golden birthday.  As I type that, I can feel my heart race and sink, I absolutely hate having to think ‘he should be turning 21’.  No one SHOULD be turning that age… you should make it to that age.  Our world has been flipped upside down so many times … but if I let myself play the what-if game, if I let my mind pretend our world is right-side-up again, I think we’d be out of town this weekend.  I think we’d be in Vegas.  Maybe we’d have corny shirts again like at my messy-with-Tessi 21st Vegas bash.  You’d for sure plan 1 big dinner for everyone who came, and I think we’d decorate the heck out of a cabana.  I can see him being both embarrassed and also loving the big celebration… pool ladies with sparkling bottles, DJ shouting out Simon’s birthday, and all of us living our best lives with Simon, who for so long, was the baby nephew.  

How different would life be… if this was a TV show, a big cloud bubble would come over my head and we’d jump into an episode all about what it would be like if you and Allan and Uncle Aaron and Uncle Marlow and Simon were all still alive.  I’d add Bubby and Papa in there, but at this point, they’d be well into their hundreds :) I would’ve loved to have shown papa a smart phone, though, and get his takes on world news while Bubby cooks up a storm…

Writing to you allows my mind to wonder where it wants.  I try hard not to do that in my day-to-day.  It takes a lot of energy, but I have to do my best to be mindful of what I think about everyday.  It’s too hard to wonder what life would be like.  It would be better… sure, I can’t know what it would be, but having you all back would for sure be a scenario I’d love.  It can be exhausting, and hard, and distracting, but I try all day everyday not to think about how the girls were robbed of the best aunt and 1 of the 3 best big boy cousins, and a kick-ass super-fun full-of-advice brother in law.  

The bottom line is, I miss you all.  I feel like so many of these losses were out of my control, and while mental health can be too, I still feel keeping Simon alive was controllable.  One day, maybe, I’ll let that go.  Maybe it’s because I wish with every fiber of my being that he would’ve held on, that I feel and wish I could’ve changed it.  But for now, for today, I’ll let myself drift sometimes to that heavily decorated cabana, busy pool, loud music, good food, and incredible fun.

Thinking of being near you and Simon is both sweet and incredibly heartbreaking… there goes the fast-paced sinking heart feeling again…

I miss you.

I love you.

Happy summer solstice, Simon!

XOXO

Me

What would we be doing?

 Dear Kerr,

I think about writing you a lot.  I sometimes talk it out in my head, but putting the digital pen to paper feels harder than it used to.  And right now, I wonder so many things… can you really see this life?  And if so, do you have any ability to puppeteer it, per se?  I imagine, no.  But if you can see it all, then can you see the good and the bad?  That has to be hard to see the good and not be able to celebrate, but also just as hard to see the bad and not be able to help.

I feel blah.  I hate when I’m blah.  It’s a hard thing to shake.  The grey cloud that hovers … and you know the only clouds I like are the big bright white puffy ones.  Sometimes finding the joy through that cloud seems nearly impossible.  But I keep going.  It’ll shine.  It has to.

Tomorrow is my birthday, but you know that.  We’d have lunch.  Where would we go?  Here’s the thing, I could use some of that bright light to shine through.  If you can send me a sign (and maybe make it a birthday gift :-)  Just let me know you’re there.  That it’ll all be okay.

I love you.

I miss you.

Hug Simy for me.

X

a decade

 Kerr,

I logged on and was genuinely shocked I haven’t written to you in a whole year!  I’ve thought about it, but I don’t know what to say.  I used to fill you in on life… what’s become of mine and your kids’ lives and such since you left, but then it just felt too sad after Simon died.  I still have new things in my life and in the girls’, but it just sort of seems silly … like making small talk and discussing the weather (although! It is my least favorite kind right now - dreary and wet).  The only thing I can think to tell you which carries the same kind of weight as death is that of Marlow’s.  What a whirlwind.  The first week of February to august 21st.  So damn quick and awful and unfair.  3 months for him and 10 years for you.  But I imagine you know that.  I still imagine you all together at Bubby and Papa’s house.  I told you that’s how I picture Heaven, right?  You’re all at Bubby and Papa’s.  The familiar holiday scene… kitchen table, dining table, yelling, serving, and now Marlow is using his wrench to open the pop.  I guess Simon is getting to experience it all since he hadn’t before, and Allan, too.  Did he ever experience a holiday at Bubby and Papa’s?  I know they were certainly alive and well together, but I don’t know if he ever went there for one.  Maybe my idea of heaven is a childhood memory (I can actually remember) and one that felt good, and wholesome, and solid.  Maybe it’s my brain’s way of trying to bring me some kind of theoretical peace amongst this super fucked up reality.  Bubby, Papa, Allan, Uncle Aaron, You, Simon, Marlow… the list is far too long.  And now it’s been a decade without you.  Truth is, it’s not easier; it’s harder.  Sure, you get more used to it (although sometimes I do go to call you), but it’s just the norm now.  But the norm isn’t easy.  It’s awful and difficult and sometimes near impossible to live without you and without Simon.  My life continues, a lot of amazing things do continue to happen, but you and him… you’re not there to share it with.  The truth pops up in every moment of joy or happiness - how would this be different if… I was cuddling with Kenna and Dakota on the couch tonight (Harley was in bed already) and I said - do you know who would’ve just loved you so much?  And Kenna said, with a smile, Simey.  I said yes! And he did, he knew you! But who else? And she said, Aunt Kerry.  She didn’t get to know us.  It’s true. You never got to know my kids.  Or see your boys as their big cousins.  Simon was so freaking good with them.  So proud.  So capable.  And you’ve would’ve spoiled them rotten.  I told mom I could hear it … a few years from now one of them would yell - you’re horrible!  I’m going to live at aunt Kerry’s.  It would’ve happened.  They would’ve known you were the best and you would’ve been their happy place.  Oh how they’ve been robbed.  Of you and of Simy.

I always said I’d never be able to live if I lost one of the boys.  I’m managing … my grief and my will coexist.  I live for those boys and for my girls, for Mac, for mom and dad, for our family, and for my clients.  I do love what I do, I do love my friends, I do love our family.  I just wish, so deeply and terribly and desperately with all I have that I could have you and Simy back.

I cannot believe it’s been 10 years.  Although, it feels like forever - 10 years without you is forever.

Goodness do I love and miss you.

XO

Me

9 years

Kerr Bear,

It’s been 9 long years since you’ve been gone.  9 years… such a long time.  It didn’t fly by.  It’s been very long.  It’s funny because the 5.5 years of having kids has flown by, the work, the trips, the milestones… they’ve flown by, but the hardships make every second and every minute last.  They drag on.  No matter how much you don’t want them to.  It’s the secret, it seems.  Once you know real loss, you know time does not heal. Your life just grows around pain.  Your life has a new appearance.  A wound may become a scar, but many moments and many days it tears back open.

My letters to you are not cheerful, lately. There have been times I fill you in on recent good news, but right now, I mostly just feel broken.  The news I have doesn’t feel like what I want to share with you.  I just want to share my sadness with you.  I don’t feel strong.  I know I get told it and called it, but I just feel like I’m living 2 congruent lives - loss and life.  That doesn’t feel like strength to me; it just feels like … what? I’m not sure.  I guess I don’t have a word for it.

I have moments of joy again.  I wondered if I’d ever feel them.  I do.  They don’t last as long as they once have, but they happen.  They usually end with the glimpse of ‘what would it be like if she were here or he was here or they were here’.

I do have hope still.

Hope you see all of this.  Hope the family is together.  Hope you’re with Simon.  Hope he’s out of pain.

I have to have hope.  I have to.

This year seems harder.

So much grief.  So much ‘but why’. So much ‘why so much’.

I have hope there will be a day we get to laugh together again.  The good laughs.  The we can’t talk laughs.  The laugh till we cry laughs.  The make fun of mom laughs.  I have hope I’ll get an Allan bear hug again.  I have hope I’ll hear Simon tells me he loves me.

I asked Mac if he believes you can see us.  He said he’s not sure about that, but he does think we bring you and all those we lose into every day.  We are pieces of you and them.  And it’s true.  

The EE Cummings poem is what comes to mind - I carry your heart with me.  I carry it in my heart.

I try to carry you with me; in my mind and heart and actions, every day.  But even so, I hope there’s more than that.  More than me carrying you on.  I hope you can see us.  I hope you walk beside us.  I hope sometimes you’re what’s carrying us through.

I love you beyond imagine.

I miss you.

Please hug Simon for me.

XO

me

How to go on?

 Kerr,

How do I go on writing to you and not write to you both?  How do I go on writing to you, period?  What do I say? Do I go on with our usual updates?

I find myself saying, many times throughout the day, how is this all real?  How is this true?  And then my brain starts to replay it all - finding out, telling Lance, telling mom and dad, various phone calls, telling the girls, seeing him, giving a eulogy, the shiva, etc etc.  My therapist and I discussed it’s possible my brain is just answering the question.  It’s real because … [insert awful moment and memory].  

Day in and out I still feel like I’m just going through the motions.  I do because I should.  I do because what else is there to do?  I’m surviving but some days it just feels like wading through time.  

But here are some of the updates - I used your china for Rosh Hashanah.  As I put it away, I chuckled.  I used to say I didn’t like the china you picked out.  Almost the same way I used to tell mom I didn’t like her engagement ring.  But I got a similar shape, and I designed a black and white modern home which perfectly matches your china dishes.  I could feel you snickering at me :) The dinners were nice, even the services, but I miss your wit.  My partner in crime.

I try to remember times when Simon and I were good.  There were so many more years of good than bad - 15+, in fact, but it’s hard.  But I remember holidays together precovid.  He had so much pride carrying the girls.  He was so happy around them.  Kenna said she misses him.  I wish they didn’t know such loss already.  Their lists are so long.

And so I ask again, how is this all real?

I miss writing to you.  I just don’t know what to say.  I read this back and it sounds so pitiful… 

I’ll write again soon.

I love you.

I miss you.

Give Simon and Allan hugs for me.

Send signs.

XO

me

What did you say?

Kerr,

I can’t believe I’m writing to you, and Simon may be with you.  How did we get here?  

Within the first few days after, I wondered what you said to him when you saw him.  I figured you were happy to have the chance to hug him and mad at him all at the same time.  Or did you see him, hug him, and understand… did you know his pain was too much?

I want to reread the 5 people you meet in Heaven.  Mitch Albom wrote with such certainty about the process.  So maybe Simon hasn’t gotten to you yet?  Or maybe it’s all quick going through the steps and who you meet, etc.  What is time after life??  

The bottom line is, I do hope you’re reunited, but it just wasn’t time yet.  It wasn’t time for any of you… 

The day after he died, I actually said for the first, and hopefully only time, ‘I’m glad you aren’t alive’.  I wouldn’t want you going through this, but then again… chicken or the egg?  If you were alive, the series of his life events would’ve been so different.  Maybe this wouldn’t have been his end?  But we know this game is one not to play… you can’t change the past.  Literally, nothing I do will change the past and make my reality different.  So I try not to play those scenarios out.

So here we are.  Going through the motions every day because my kids and my clients depend on me, but my heart is shattered.  Allan cracked it, you broke it, and Simon shattered it.  The interesting thing about it all, though, is it felt shattered for Allan and for you.  But I never knew a pain like this.  I never thought I would.  I never thought I’d know a pain worse than losing you.  But now I lost Simon - that boy had my heart.  And after I lost you, he carried a part of you for me.  So I’ve now lost another part of you, and him, all in 1.

I know that life continues to happen around grief.  Things don’t get easier.  Time doesn’t make it better.  I am someone who has always said it makes it worse.  But life goes on and there are more moments you’re not a part of.  More memories my kids have been robbed of.  The aunt that would’ve loved them like no other and the big cousin who would’ve shown them the world.  I know we have to go on.  We keep celebrating.  We keep doing.  But it certainly feels surreal.  Numb.  Empty.

But we do.  And we did.  Issac graduated college!  Magna cum laude and even straight As this last semester.  He looked so proud showing us his home of the last 4 years.  It was nice to be together; to laugh together.  Our family definitely shows up, and strong.  We’re good at it. As I sat at the ceremony, looking around at all of the moms and dads in the audience, I imagined you beaming with pride and Allan showing everyone Issac’s name in the book and the distinguished markings. 

I still wake every day and my first thought is - he’s gone.  In everything I do, it’s ‘he’s gone’.  And this is not meant to sound pitiful, but why do I know more grief than most people.  Why did Simon know more grief than pretty much anyone would in a life time?  

Can this stop now?

Can I stop getting the stomach-sinking phone calls?

Can I stop telling my kids about death?

This isn’t such a concise letter.  It’s not super focused.  But neither am I… I’m just sad.  How will I never hug him again?  How?  How can this all be true?

I genuinely, with all of the possible hope I can muster, hope Simon is with you and Allan.  With Dylan and Daniel.  Driving you crazy, but being sweet.  Having fun and at peace.

I do hope that.

I want to get behind that.

Because while I hope all of that, I just also hope it all isn’t true.  I want him back.

And I want Andrew and Issac to not have to keep enduring and overcoming and being resilient and incredible and everything they are… but can’t they just be awesome without so much hardship?

Please send me signs.

Can Simon send me one that he loves me?

I love you.  I miss you.  Hug him for me.

XO

Me

What a feeling

 Kerr Bear,

I’m sitting in the parking lot early for my dental appointment.  I’m starting Invisalign for the second time … cool.  On the way here I heard flashdance’s what a feeling.  At first I smiled, then my heart grew bigger, and then tears started tickling my eyes.  The song makes me think of you.  The smile is because I can imagine you singing it - both in the quiet way you sang in the background as you did mundane things (like when you sang it as you cleaned up your kitchen and I was belted it like dying cats to the boys wii karaoke) and I smiled because I can imagine you singing it loudly in the car.  I smile because it makes me happy to think of you content, and happy.  But the tears come from missing you.  Missing the comfort of you.  My whole life you were my sister, but for my whole life you were also my second mom and my guidepost.  How lucky am I to have had, in one person, a sister, a guiding light, a bitch-fest friend, a confidant, a travel buddy, and a person who got me like no other.  The hard thing about having all of that and feeling lucky I had that is also feeling really sad I don’t any longer.  I miss you.  I miss the comfort of you.  I especially miss your vanilla scented hugs.

I’ll write soon with updates! But all in all the boys are good - Issac graduates in May and has a fabulous job in his field starting in June, Andrew is still in Louisville :( but doing great and showing his work how fabulous he is.  He owns part of a horse, too (MaryLou!)!! And Simon, he still doesn’t talk to me directly but I think he’s doing okay and is smart as ever at school.  I miss him.  Daniel’s 1 year anniversary just happened. Another day and tragedy I wish I could take away from them, from the Klein’s overall.  

Do you get to be with everyone?  Are you all watching?

We miss you.

XO

Me

More than a memory

 Kerr Bear,

I’m writing this while listening to ‘piña colada/escape’ so that I try to remember to be positive (and try to smile imagining you so happy singing it).  It’s hard… here are the truths:

You are gone.  Today makes 8 years.  Will never forget the day… dad called mac while I was on the phone with him.  I told him he should get it.  Mac called back - ‘where are you? I need to come get you.’ And then my hysterical crying.  Without knowing anything, I knew something.  The rest is history… a sucky history I replay.  I know some people get this more than others but I wish I could ‘groundhog day’ or ‘back to the future’ our lives.  Now knowing what November 21, 2014 was going to hold, could I go back in time to a date (1984 with Michael j fox??) and change something to alter your fate?  What I wouldn’t do to bring you back.. 

here’s what else I know:

- I miss you.  I miss you every day.  I told mac this morning … I don’t need today to remember you died 8 years ago.  I think about it every day.  Every time I knew I would’ve called you or still long to do so or every time I know I would’ve been doing what I’m doing but with you.  Lunches, holiday outings, phone call bitch fests.  The worst is when I do it alone - an outing or don’t even have the right one to call and bitch to.  Because the truth is… no one can replace you.  So today is not some ‘oh, right! She died!’ It’s just a greater gut punch. 

[ok now listening to Chicago’s greatest hits =P]

The list of what you’ve missed and what you continue to miss is endless, truly.  Because it’s in the mundane everyday and in the big things like Simon getting accepted to colleges, graduating high school, going to college, Issac getting into a scholars program at school, and coming up on his graduation, Andrew getting a job and being well loved in his office, Dakota’s 2nd birthday party.  It’s even in the sad things I’d want you around for - the hard days.  Saying goodbye to Leo, mom losing Rhoda, tough relationship moments, etc.  the list goes on…

Mom posted a poem that made me say ‘yup’:

I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new

I thought about you yesterday and the days before that too.

I think of you in silence, I often speak your name,

I hate that when I see you, it's a picture in a frame.

Your memory is a treasure, with which I'II never part

You will always be with me sister, I have you in my heart.

I wish you weren’t just a memory now…

Here’s how I try to find comfort in knowing you’re around in some way; that you’re more than just a memory:

- today Kenna and I hugged when she woke up.  For so long.  And I saw her face. She was just smiling contently.  She knew I needed it.  She hugs like you.  She never knew you but she loves with a giant heart like you.

- I got to wake up to Issac being home today.  3 pieces of you are with me.  They are 3 of my greatest gifts and joys.  

- you are with me always (while I still will always with that was more than just in my heart or a picture).  You’ve taught me so much of what I know and made me into so much of who I am today.  

I love you.

I wish I had my sister here.

But, of course, I will always treasure our 26 years together. I know I’ll also always wish we had and long for more.

Missing you today and always

XO

Are we doing ok?

 Kerry & Allan,

You have been on my minds more and more, all day.  Are the boys going to be ok?  Are we doing all we can to help them and be there for them?  In life…. 

Every day since Daniel passed, I think of him.  If that’s the case for me, then how are the boys doing?  If simon told his 17-year story to anyone random, they wouldn’t believe him.  It’s an unbelievable story of loss, but hopefully of loss and strength and perseverance and determination.  To fight in life for happiness and love.  He has committed to college, Issac is finishing Junior year, Andrew is an adult! Working through all it is to follow your passion, pay bills, and find joy in it all.  Life can be hard and sucky and unexplained.  They know that all too well, and at such a young age, but I hope they really know it can be special and great, too.

I am in Dakota’s room, doing my makeup for the day as she plays.  We are rocking out to Chicago and thinking of you two.  She even wanted to cuddle and rock.  When ‘if you leave me now’ ended, she clapped and then danced to ‘Saturday in the park’. You’ve got another Chicago fan, Allan!!  Certain songs just strike a cord.  Chicago and Bryan Adams, especially.  I can hear you singing in the car. Kerr.  I remember our babysitting drives home, Allan, when you’d drill who ‘Chicago’ was into my head.

Bottom line, I hope I’m doing it right.  What is right?  But I just want those boys to know they are unconditionally loved.  Forever and always.

Missing you both.  

XO

Some photos of your littlest Chicago fan on your page, Kerr

Issac Flecher (no T) Klein

Happy 21st birth-day of Issac, to you, Kerr!

I think it’s Jenna who was the first to ever wish me a happy birth-day.  Our kids’ birthdays are big days for us, too!  Special days.  I think 21 for each of your kids would’ve been your favorite to celebrate.  Because VEGAS BABY!  I think you would say Vegas was your favorite place to travel.  That and maybe a cruise/all-inclusive.  Sun, pool, restaurants, shows, spa… what more do you need :) well. We’re doing it.  Taking Andrew and Issac to your favorite place.  And we’re doing it right.  I made mom upgrade the hotel :) duh.  We’re having great dinners (thanks, Bub hahaha) I booked spa appointments for everyone. Now we just need you to make the weather better, and I promise, If those pools are busy, I’ll get us a cabana :)

Kerry.  I miss you.  Do you know how amazing Issac is?  Can you see him?  21 today.  21! 21?! I remember the day he was born.  Jordan and I playing with Andrew, teaching him to say ‘baby Issac’ (once we knew the name) baaaby IIIIssac.  I can still hear Andrew’s sweet little voice saying it.  Walking in to visit you.  My memory really is terrible, but I remember this.  I remember walking into the hospital room to see you and meet him.  

Issac is so freaking awesome.  He got all of your warmth, big heart, caring, putting others first ways (without the bitchy sass ha ha!) He’s just so smart. So kind. So humble. And so fun to celebrate. He’s crushing it at school.  I feel like he’s crushing it at life (I hope he feels that way, too).  

I can’t wait to see him today (and Andrew and Simon).  I say it every time, but I’m whole when they’re around. Your boys are my favorite.  

Here’s the biggest ask.  You and Allan better be sending Issac and Andrew your good casino juju.  We know you did for andrew’s Canada 18th :) 

Loving you.  Missing you.

More and more.

XO

46

 Happy 8th heavenly birthday, Kerr Bear.

46.  It’s funny to think you would’ve hated turning 46 because now, it’s just more obvious that aging is a gift.  That getting older is beautiful.  But you wouldn’t have liked being on the second 1/2 of 40.  You also would’ve been piiiised because it was a snowstorm last night (as most of your birthday celebrations were) so your dinner would’ve likely been changed/cancelled/etc.  

I miss you.  So so much. This holiday season was extra hard without you.  I needed my sister.  To be with me, always have my back, always bitch with me and let me bitch.  To be there to listen to my ups and downs, good moments and moments of anxiety.  There’s no one like you.  

Your kids are awesome.  Andrew comes home quite often.  The girls absolutely love when he comes home.  They play with him and watch horse racing with him.  Andrew has become a jockey agent in Louisville.  He’s so passionate, and I know that passion will always lead him to great happiness and success.

Issac was home for a bit over break and is now in Mexico with Allison and her family (yes, you and I are both jealous).  He’ll come back again this week and then go back to school.  He has a way of understanding my anxiety and saying exactly the right thing to calm me down, make me feel seen and loved.  He’s 20!  That’s insightful as hell (and most like you).  Wow!  

Simon is waiting on his last college letter to then make a decision.  We all chat in a group text every day which is how I try to keep up with him.  (He’s not my biggest fan.. so I don’t know all the ins and outs of his life.) Regardless, I try to keep updated with what’s going on as much as I can.  He’s doing soooo well at school (so smart and self motivated) and got to start bowling again!  He’s a captain!  Senior night should be this week - just waiting to hear which night.  I can’t believe he’s graduating this year!

Can you see it all?  

We love you and miss you.

Enjoy your birthday dinner, wherever you are.  Jealous you get a Bubby birthday cake.

XO

Me

World's Greatest Aunt

 Dear Kerr Bear,

Yes - I titled this letter World's Greatest Aunt, but no ... I don't mean me ;-P 

I mean you.  You would’ve been the worlds greatest aunt to my girls.  It’s just a fact, without a doubt.  I’ve been having an extra hard few weeks with the kind of stuff you just need your sister for.  My friends (thank G-d for them) reminded me you ARE the worlds greatest aunt and you are watching them.  I just wish I could witness you with them.  

I’ve been having these visions lately of you holding Dakota.  You are running your finger down her nose and then booping the tip of her nose with the tip of your finger (I can see your perfectly manicured hands so well… the polish is dark like LPAD) and she smiles so big.  It’s something that brings me so much warmth <3 maybe somehow she does know you.  I think she’d be your favorite.  It was her birthday on Thursday (as you know because it was also Andrews!!) and while it was so sweet and so special, it still was a hard day.  For many reasons.  But one of them was you.  On special, celebratory days, it’s extra obvious you’re not there.  I think about how we would’ve done the day differently had you been around.

You have been gone 7 years today.

Andrew is 23 now.  Issac is 20 now.  Simon is 17 now.

You have 5 nieces and 1 nephew you didn’t have prior.

You have a college graduate, 1 in college, and 1 college bound.

Sadly, Baileyboozle has passed.  Are you guys on the couch watching TV together? Or sun bathing together?

I say it often to you, but I just miss you so much.  I miss your hugs.  I miss our calls and texts.  I miss having that person… the one who just gets you and says the right things always.  I try not to stay in this place very long - the place where all I think about is what you’ve missed, what I’ve missed having you a part of, all the things the boys should’ve had you for (including just regular day-to-day life)… the pitiful place.

There’s a hole in my life; one you’re supposed to fill.  some days are easier.  I have our family and my amazing friends.  I have my girls.  But there are some days with that hole when I just keep falling into the pain of missing you.

Today we are celebrating Dakota’s 1st birthday.  It was a strange date to pick, but I had an event yesterday.  And … it’s not that I wouldn’t have noticed you were gone yesterday… so today we celebrate Dakota and miss you, all the same.  

I woke up today just as I have every anniversary year wanting to just sleep through it.  Every year I think… if I just don’t wake up today, maybe 11/21/14 wont happen.  I relive the details of the day, every year.  I can’t help it.  

I miss you.  I owe you an more upbeat life update.  Soon.

Send me a sign today. Maybe you already have … my girls are here.  Happy and healthy.

Love you. 

XO

Me

Are you watching?

 Kerr Bear (and Allan),

Simon’s in surgery right now as I type this.  I’m in the waiting room.  He told me I could write to you now.  He has a herniated disc (and stenosis and a curved spine and some other bad back nonsense).  He tried all options… this was inevitable and the only next step.  He has been in so much pain and can’t be himself.  And he’s 17.  It’s not right to have such problems so young  and it’s also so early to have surgery.  And you’re not here to guide him or care for him or help him make decisions.  Are you watching?  Are you making sure he’s okay?  Are you sending some kind of love and strength and healing?  I sure hope so.

I want him to be okay.

I want this surgery to help him.

 No… it’s not the end all be all fix, but I want it to give him his life back.

Since you can’t be here with him physically, please send all of the good vibes from up above.  Give him your big Kerry vanilla-scented hugs.

XO

Mother’s Day

 Kerr Bear,

I think this would’ve been your favorite Mother’s Day weekend yet.  You would’ve been out of town watching your first born graduate college!  Lots of restaurant reservations and celebrations.  How perfect!  I’m so proud of Andrew.  I know you are, too.

I think I’ve realized why I don’t like Mother’s Day.  So before you were gone, Mother’s Day was fine!  While Bubby was alive, we went out?? Is that right?  I think that was the one time of year Bubby liked eating out but after she passed, you’d host because mom didn’t like going out?  Maybe I’m totally screwing this up here.  Mom will have to tell me.  We used to go to the bagel in Old Orchard, right?  My memories suck but as I write this, some are coming back.

The thing is, I used to get really excited to celebrate YOU on Mother’s Day.  Being an Aunt has always been one of my favorite things to be.  Hands down.  You knew that.  Most people know that about me.  I became an Aunt because of YOU!  The best gift ever.  So I loved getting you a card to thank you for being a great mama to my nephews.

Today is just another one of those big days you’re not here for.  Another holiday I want to celebrate with you, but I can’t.  It’s another day my grief feels bigger.

Also this year, I just don’t feel like I deserve Mother’s Day.  Now let’s be honest, my 3 Mother’s Days have not been the pomp and circumstance that most expect.  Mac tries but he hates Hallmark holidays so he buys what I say I want and generally hates the pressure to make this day special (and remember my first Mother’s Day bwahahahah).  But truthfully, I feel like he deserves Mother’s Day & Father’s Day this year.  I’ve been falling short as a mom.  I’ve been so busy with work (yayy) and moody and impatient and it’s making me not the best mama.  Mac picks up where I leave off, everyday.  He’s the fun one.  The one with extra patience and cuddles.  Fishing, playing, make-believing etc etc etc.  He’s a saint and the most incredible guy.

I am grateful to be a mom.  So many today struggle because they are trying to become mamas or have lost babies and so much more.  After much effort, we got the big girls and then Dakota.  I’m so full of gratitude to have them.  But today just doesn’t feel like the super happy day everyone believes Mother’s Day to be.

I know you’d get it.

I wish we were chatting about this while getting pedicures and drinking Starbucks.

I love you.

I miss you.

Happy Mother’s Day to the best mama.

XO

Car rides

 Hey Kerr,

I’ve been thinking about you even more lately.  But it hasn’t been all awesome.  The day you died has been replaying a lot in my head.  Usually it happens when I am driving, and I’ve been in the car more lately than probably in the entire past year.  The girls started preschool (omg they’re so cute & growing so quickly) and so I drive them back and forth and work has been picking up, etc.  I think car rides make my brain replay that day because I was in Mac’s car when I found out you died...

Mac got me.  I asked who was it.  He said you.  I begged him to tell me what happened but he wouldn’t.  Dad told him not to so all he said was ‘call your dad’.  Dad told me, while choking back tears, you died.  I wonder if he remembers that moment or even that he’s the one who told me.  Your brain has a funny way of forgetting things so it can protect itself.  My brain forgot Allan’s funeral.  It only came rushing back to me once when I re-entered the room his service was in.  It happened with your funeral, too.  I forgot where your funeral took place until I was back there for Matt’s Grandma and had a panic attack.  

Being the bearer of bad news sucks.  Because now, you’re a key part of that persons terrible story.  I hate that I’m the one who told Andrew you were gone.  I’ll never forget it.  Never.  What he said.  The room we were in.  The walk down the hall.  The car ride home.  It’s not that I’m mad I’m the one who told him or Issac or being with Steve to tell Simon & Zion.  I just hate that I’m the one in their memory of how they found out.  But maybe it’s that I’m just mad it had to be told... that it happened at all.

Today’s car ride replay was of when Allan died. That day I jumped into action and knew it was the time Andrew had to get picked up from camp.  He went to camp at the JCC.  The girls go to school at the JCC.  Different ones, but still... so as I pulled out of the parking lot today, my brain went to when I was pulling out from the parking lot on July 9, 2004.

When I find my mind spiraling down the events of November 21, 2014, I tell it to think of other things.  I try to do my best to divert my brain away from remembering all of the terrible moments ... calling Natalie and Ilyssa while I waited for a mac to get me... knowing nothing and yet knowing something terrible had happened.  The drive which seemed like it took forever.  The walk down the halls of Glenbrook hospital to find the ER.  The woman saying ‘I’m sorry’ when I told her who I was there for.  Collapsing to the ground.  The list of memories go on.  The tinges of moments.  But instead of thinking of those, I try to make a list and replay the good times.  Where does my mind go when I try to think of you (and not the day you died):

Mrs Doubtfire | the day you came home from Hawaii engaged | the bridal suite we got ready in for your wedding | you singing ‘the piña colada song’ in Italy | you hitting Issac at China chef | you singing in your Escalade | laughing hysterically in Vegas about gelato | sitting on the floor of the great room in Lincolnwood playing with baby Andrew | texting you while I was in the hospital in Spain | holding you hostage while I was in the hospital after my surgery | living with you and the nights we’d make cookies or get red mango | texting about you’ve got mail, my best friends wedding & sleepless in Seattle | getting my wedding dress | the first time you took me for a manicure | the first time you took me for an eyebrow wax | all of the care packages you sent to me at college | the killers - specifically ‘human’ | ‘walk 1000 miles’ | REM ‘stand’ | anything by that 80s singer... you know the one | Sophie b Hawkins ‘as I lay me down to sleep’ | Lance’s 30th birthday and me getting you drunk for the first time | your vanilla scented hugs | laughing so hard at Dad washing his phone again | swearing |

I love you.  I miss you.

XO

Happy Valentine’s Day

45

 Happy 45th birthday, Kerry!!

I can imagine you would’ve hated turning 45 (weird statement to make considering..) but you would’ve! So I probably would’ve said it on repeat, publicly wishing you a happy 45th birthday instead of just ‘happy birthday!’.  You would’ve freaked out because 45 is the next big milestone birthday to 50.  And it would’ve sucked because you would’ve spent another birthday inside, only this time, not because of some crazy winter storm (although it did snow/rain), but because the pandemic is still very much here.  

For your birthday, I got you a niece who looks like you (well, your baby pic)!  Or at least I think so!  Issac just says babies look like blobs so he doesn’t see it.  Everyone is saying she’s my twin/looks like Simon.  We named her Dakota Jolene; D for Allan David and J for Aaron Jack.  Simon came up with Jolene.  I wanted a regular size/big baby so badly.  I wanted her to just be happy and healthy and she arrived weighing 8.3!  One of the first things I said was ‘I got my squishy’.  You’d love her!! I know you agreed, the squishier the better.  Which is why you’d also be beyond obsessed with the most gorgeous, Ada.  She’s growing so nicely and is certainly Miles’ sister - beautiful like him.  I haven’t kissed her... her big cheeks, her beautiful hair.  This pandemic sucks ass.

I just got Dakota back down to sleep and should fall back asleep myself before the big girls wake up, but I knew I wanted to write you. I miss you. I feel like we would’ve had one another in our Covid-friendly circles somehow.  Even though the boys would’ve bugged you to go do what they wanted which would make them and you Covid risks, but somehow I just think we would’ve figured it out.  So we would’ve had lunch and dinners and days together as much as we could.  Maybe that’s just wishful thinking... but I sure do wish you were here.  Even if just to text you.  I feel like a lot of what I’d want to do is vent.  Which isn’t great, but you would’ve been okay with it.  I’d want to tell you how hard this all is and how much I just feel ... blah.  New baby, wanting my body back, winter weather, Covid restrictions, no travel plans ... it’s a lot all at once.  Planning a little birthday thing would’ve been fun for you though.  

I love you.  I really do hope and wish you’re somehow celebrating.  Did Bubby make you cakes for your birthday, too?  I’d have to assume so.  We’re yours yellow cake with chocolate frosting?  I don’t remember you loving Bubby’s sweets like I did.  Funny enough, when I close my eyes and go back to holidays at Bubby’s, I can’t see you or Lance.  Maybe you guys say at the dining room table? I don’t think you were with Jordan and me in the kitchen.  I’m likely wrong about so many aspects here.  But I hope she’s made you something fabulous.  Maybe today would’ve been my big exception day and we would’ve gone for mani/pedis..?

Anyhoo... rambling again.  The bottom line is, I wish I could celebrate with you today.  I wish I could bitch with you every day.  And oh how I wish, with all of my wishes, that I could have a Kerry hug.  The big, tight, hug like you meant it, smelled like Vanilla sugar cookie, Kerry hug.  I need it.  I need you.

Happy 45th birthday my sweet sister.

XO

Me

2020.

 Hey Kerr,

It’s been awhile.  And, frankly, not because I didn’t have the time, but just because I sometimes can’t find the words. 

Although, I have been busy, life is not the same hustle bustle.  2020 has been a shit show.  We’re in a worldwide pandemic.  You’d haaaaaate it.  You would’ve gone months without manicures and getting your hair done and you would’ve had months without date nights and being cooped up with the boys.  A super big silver lining was that Issac’s school sent everyone home after spring break so we got to have him from Spring Break all the way until august.  He’s doing all virtual classes but is at school.  He has a great townhouse with a very sweet roommate from GBN.  His roommate cooks incredible food every night!! And Issac is being really safe.  We miss him so much, especially the girls, but are excited to have him home for Thanksgiving break.  We got him a new car to take to school this year; his first car just needed too much work and I was too worried with the long drives.  I knew it was something you & Allan would’ve done, too.  Andrew went back down to Louisville over the summer.  He was working so hard delivering food and is now a senior - OMG!  When did that happen.  He lives in the frat house and has virtual classes too.  He hates being virtual, but I know he’s still keeping a good social life, which is important.  I’m afraid he won’t come back to chicago after graduation.  :-/ Simon is a junior.  Wowzers!  Not sure what’ll happened with the ACT/SAT and if he’ll need to take it for college apps with this pandemic and such.  I can’t believe how quickly they’re growing.  Simy is so tall and has gotten sooooo fit!  They’re all so handsome and I know you’d just LOVE taking photos with them as they tower over you and look so good.  Andrew came in for a weekend a few weeks ago and was holding Kenna’s hand as we walked back from the park.  He had to bend to hold her.  It’s so cute to see them together and so crazy to see the age difference.  And yet... I can remember being young and taking Andrew to the park.  It’s all just going so fast.  I’m hoping Andrew gets an actual graduation at the end of April, but just know, if the school cancels it, Jordan and I will create a stage and the whole pomp and circumstance so he can walk across and know the weight of his accomplishment.  You raised incredible boys.

I’m having another baby - a girl!  We’re like the regular Brady brunch!  And Jordan and Jenna just had a GORGEOUS baby girl! I can’t believe these cousins will be so close in age, and hopefully, the best of friends.  Because of the pandemic, I couldn’t be at the hospital to wait or to meet her.  It killed me.  This sucks.  And the same will go for when our baby girl comes.. no one will be waiting or come to meet her.  And even then, it won’t be the same kind of introduction to her family.  Masks... gloves... hand sanitizer...  I can’t wait for this all to go away.

I’m lucky I have the second career in real estate.  The event industry has died.  You can’t have big parties and there are all sorts of restrictions.  It’s so sad.  It’s been 10.5 years of events by Tess and a growth of the company of 125% the year I had the girls and now - poof... large scale events are not allowed.  I’m hoping it changes ASAP.  I feel fortunate to help clients with smaller scale events but can’t wait for everything to be normal again.

Yesterday we (finally) got the announcement of our new president.  It’s a long story, but thank G-d!!  And, drumroll, we have a female Vice President!! Who is biracial!! And has a Jewish husband!!  Very exciting!!  We talk about politics a lot in our group text chat with the boys, and it’s very neat to watch them grow into their own thoughts and opinions and the ability to articulate where they’re coming from (even when I don’t agree).

Life feels in limbo right now.  We sold our house and are renovating a new one.  I’ve wanted to get your opinion on all of the design choices I’ve made and items I’ve purchased.  I’ve wanted to share this journey with you.  The day we closed on the new house, I cried.  It may sound strange to some, but not having you along for each of my large new milestones (and even for the mundane every day) makes it feel like it’s not complete/off in some way/not right... like you didn’t give me your blessing. The hole you’ve left doesn’t close.  It doesn’t get filled in or covered over.  You just learn to live with it there... and some days it feels like the wound is more open than others.  Some days, it’s not a tinge of pain, but instead a spark of joy.  Some songs just make me smile now instead of get choked up.  Always ‘pina colada’.  ‘Human’ by the killers is hit or miss depending on the day.  But you’re always around. In my heart and in my memories.  I just wish you were still here.

This is a rambly post to you.  But like I said, it’s been awhile, and 2020 has been a year...

I can’t wait to tell you about our baby girl.  I can’t wait to tell her about you.

I love you.

XO

Me