What would we be doing?

 Dear Kerr,

I think about writing you a lot.  I sometimes talk it out in my head, but putting the digital pen to paper feels harder than it used to.  And right now, I wonder so many things… can you really see this life?  And if so, do you have any ability to puppeteer it, per se?  I imagine, no.  But if you can see it all, then can you see the good and the bad?  That has to be hard to see the good and not be able to celebrate, but also just as hard to see the bad and not be able to help.

I feel blah.  I hate when I’m blah.  It’s a hard thing to shake.  The grey cloud that hovers … and you know the only clouds I like are the big bright white puffy ones.  Sometimes finding the joy through that cloud seems nearly impossible.  But I keep going.  It’ll shine.  It has to.

Tomorrow is my birthday, but you know that.  We’d have lunch.  Where would we go?  Here’s the thing, I could use some of that bright light to shine through.  If you can send me a sign (and maybe make it a birthday gift :-)  Just let me know you’re there.  That it’ll all be okay.

I love you.

I miss you.

Hug Simy for me.

X

a decade

 Kerr,

I logged on and was genuinely shocked I haven’t written to you in a whole year!  I’ve thought about it, but I don’t know what to say.  I used to fill you in on life… what’s become of mine and your kids’ lives and such since you left, but then it just felt too sad after Simon died.  I still have new things in my life and in the girls’, but it just sort of seems silly … like making small talk and discussing the weather (although! It is my least favorite kind right now - dreary and wet).  The only thing I can think to tell you which carries the same kind of weight as death is that of Marlow’s.  What a whirlwind.  The first week of February to august 21st.  So damn quick and awful and unfair.  3 months for him and 10 years for you.  But I imagine you know that.  I still imagine you all together at Bubby and Papa’s house.  I told you that’s how I picture Heaven, right?  You’re all at Bubby and Papa’s.  The familiar holiday scene… kitchen table, dining table, yelling, serving, and now Marlow is using his wrench to open the pop.  I guess Simon is getting to experience it all since he hadn’t before, and Allan, too.  Did he ever experience a holiday at Bubby and Papa’s?  I know they were certainly alive and well together, but I don’t know if he ever went there for one.  Maybe my idea of heaven is a childhood memory (I can actually remember) and one that felt good, and wholesome, and solid.  Maybe it’s my brain’s way of trying to bring me some kind of theoretical peace amongst this super fucked up reality.  Bubby, Papa, Allan, Uncle Aaron, You, Simon, Marlow… the list is far too long.  And now it’s been a decade without you.  Truth is, it’s not easier; it’s harder.  Sure, you get more used to it (although sometimes I do go to call you), but it’s just the norm now.  But the norm isn’t easy.  It’s awful and difficult and sometimes near impossible to live without you and without Simon.  My life continues, a lot of amazing things do continue to happen, but you and him… you’re not there to share it with.  The truth pops up in every moment of joy or happiness - how would this be different if… I was cuddling with Kenna and Dakota on the couch tonight (Harley was in bed already) and I said - do you know who would’ve just loved you so much?  And Kenna said, with a smile, Simey.  I said yes! And he did, he knew you! But who else? And she said, Aunt Kerry.  She didn’t get to know us.  It’s true. You never got to know my kids.  Or see your boys as their big cousins.  Simon was so freaking good with them.  So proud.  So capable.  And you’ve would’ve spoiled them rotten.  I told mom I could hear it … a few years from now one of them would yell - you’re horrible!  I’m going to live at aunt Kerry’s.  It would’ve happened.  They would’ve known you were the best and you would’ve been their happy place.  Oh how they’ve been robbed.  Of you and of Simy.

I always said I’d never be able to live if I lost one of the boys.  I’m managing … my grief and my will coexist.  I live for those boys and for my girls, for Mac, for mom and dad, for our family, and for my clients.  I do love what I do, I do love my friends, I do love our family.  I just wish, so deeply and terribly and desperately with all I have that I could have you and Simy back.

I cannot believe it’s been 10 years.  Although, it feels like forever - 10 years without you is forever.

Goodness do I love and miss you.

XO

Me

9 years

Kerr Bear,

It’s been 9 long years since you’ve been gone.  9 years… such a long time.  It didn’t fly by.  It’s been very long.  It’s funny because the 5.5 years of having kids has flown by, the work, the trips, the milestones… they’ve flown by, but the hardships make every second and every minute last.  They drag on.  No matter how much you don’t want them to.  It’s the secret, it seems.  Once you know real loss, you know time does not heal. Your life just grows around pain.  Your life has a new appearance.  A wound may become a scar, but many moments and many days it tears back open.

My letters to you are not cheerful, lately. There have been times I fill you in on recent good news, but right now, I mostly just feel broken.  The news I have doesn’t feel like what I want to share with you.  I just want to share my sadness with you.  I don’t feel strong.  I know I get told it and called it, but I just feel like I’m living 2 congruent lives - loss and life.  That doesn’t feel like strength to me; it just feels like … what? I’m not sure.  I guess I don’t have a word for it.

I have moments of joy again.  I wondered if I’d ever feel them.  I do.  They don’t last as long as they once have, but they happen.  They usually end with the glimpse of ‘what would it be like if she were here or he was here or they were here’.

I do have hope still.

Hope you see all of this.  Hope the family is together.  Hope you’re with Simon.  Hope he’s out of pain.

I have to have hope.  I have to.

This year seems harder.

So much grief.  So much ‘but why’. So much ‘why so much’.

I have hope there will be a day we get to laugh together again.  The good laughs.  The we can’t talk laughs.  The laugh till we cry laughs.  The make fun of mom laughs.  I have hope I’ll get an Allan bear hug again.  I have hope I’ll hear Simon tells me he loves me.

I asked Mac if he believes you can see us.  He said he’s not sure about that, but he does think we bring you and all those we lose into every day.  We are pieces of you and them.  And it’s true.  

The EE Cummings poem is what comes to mind - I carry your heart with me.  I carry it in my heart.

I try to carry you with me; in my mind and heart and actions, every day.  But even so, I hope there’s more than that.  More than me carrying you on.  I hope you can see us.  I hope you walk beside us.  I hope sometimes you’re what’s carrying us through.

I love you beyond imagine.

I miss you.

Please hug Simon for me.

XO

me

How to go on?

 Kerr,

How do I go on writing to you and not write to you both?  How do I go on writing to you, period?  What do I say? Do I go on with our usual updates?

I find myself saying, many times throughout the day, how is this all real?  How is this true?  And then my brain starts to replay it all - finding out, telling Lance, telling mom and dad, various phone calls, telling the girls, seeing him, giving a eulogy, the shiva, etc etc.  My therapist and I discussed it’s possible my brain is just answering the question.  It’s real because … [insert awful moment and memory].  

Day in and out I still feel like I’m just going through the motions.  I do because I should.  I do because what else is there to do?  I’m surviving but some days it just feels like wading through time.  

But here are some of the updates - I used your china for Rosh Hashanah.  As I put it away, I chuckled.  I used to say I didn’t like the china you picked out.  Almost the same way I used to tell mom I didn’t like her engagement ring.  But I got a similar shape, and I designed a black and white modern home which perfectly matches your china dishes.  I could feel you snickering at me :) The dinners were nice, even the services, but I miss your wit.  My partner in crime.

I try to remember times when Simon and I were good.  There were so many more years of good than bad - 15+, in fact, but it’s hard.  But I remember holidays together precovid.  He had so much pride carrying the girls.  He was so happy around them.  Kenna said she misses him.  I wish they didn’t know such loss already.  Their lists are so long.

And so I ask again, how is this all real?

I miss writing to you.  I just don’t know what to say.  I read this back and it sounds so pitiful… 

I’ll write again soon.

I love you.

I miss you.

Give Simon and Allan hugs for me.

Send signs.

XO

me

What did you say?

Kerr,

I can’t believe I’m writing to you, and Simon may be with you.  How did we get here?  

Within the first few days after, I wondered what you said to him when you saw him.  I figured you were happy to have the chance to hug him and mad at him all at the same time.  Or did you see him, hug him, and understand… did you know his pain was too much?

I want to reread the 5 people you meet in Heaven.  Mitch Albom wrote with such certainty about the process.  So maybe Simon hasn’t gotten to you yet?  Or maybe it’s all quick going through the steps and who you meet, etc.  What is time after life??  

The bottom line is, I do hope you’re reunited, but it just wasn’t time yet.  It wasn’t time for any of you… 

The day after he died, I actually said for the first, and hopefully only time, ‘I’m glad you aren’t alive’.  I wouldn’t want you going through this, but then again… chicken or the egg?  If you were alive, the series of his life events would’ve been so different.  Maybe this wouldn’t have been his end?  But we know this game is one not to play… you can’t change the past.  Literally, nothing I do will change the past and make my reality different.  So I try not to play those scenarios out.

So here we are.  Going through the motions every day because my kids and my clients depend on me, but my heart is shattered.  Allan cracked it, you broke it, and Simon shattered it.  The interesting thing about it all, though, is it felt shattered for Allan and for you.  But I never knew a pain like this.  I never thought I would.  I never thought I’d know a pain worse than losing you.  But now I lost Simon - that boy had my heart.  And after I lost you, he carried a part of you for me.  So I’ve now lost another part of you, and him, all in 1.

I know that life continues to happen around grief.  Things don’t get easier.  Time doesn’t make it better.  I am someone who has always said it makes it worse.  But life goes on and there are more moments you’re not a part of.  More memories my kids have been robbed of.  The aunt that would’ve loved them like no other and the big cousin who would’ve shown them the world.  I know we have to go on.  We keep celebrating.  We keep doing.  But it certainly feels surreal.  Numb.  Empty.

But we do.  And we did.  Issac graduated college!  Magna cum laude and even straight As this last semester.  He looked so proud showing us his home of the last 4 years.  It was nice to be together; to laugh together.  Our family definitely shows up, and strong.  We’re good at it. As I sat at the ceremony, looking around at all of the moms and dads in the audience, I imagined you beaming with pride and Allan showing everyone Issac’s name in the book and the distinguished markings. 

I still wake every day and my first thought is - he’s gone.  In everything I do, it’s ‘he’s gone’.  And this is not meant to sound pitiful, but why do I know more grief than most people.  Why did Simon know more grief than pretty much anyone would in a life time?  

Can this stop now?

Can I stop getting the stomach-sinking phone calls?

Can I stop telling my kids about death?

This isn’t such a concise letter.  It’s not super focused.  But neither am I… I’m just sad.  How will I never hug him again?  How?  How can this all be true?

I genuinely, with all of the possible hope I can muster, hope Simon is with you and Allan.  With Dylan and Daniel.  Driving you crazy, but being sweet.  Having fun and at peace.

I do hope that.

I want to get behind that.

Because while I hope all of that, I just also hope it all isn’t true.  I want him back.

And I want Andrew and Issac to not have to keep enduring and overcoming and being resilient and incredible and everything they are… but can’t they just be awesome without so much hardship?

Please send me signs.

Can Simon send me one that he loves me?

I love you.  I miss you.  Hug him for me.

XO

Me

What a feeling

 Kerr Bear,

I’m sitting in the parking lot early for my dental appointment.  I’m starting Invisalign for the second time … cool.  On the way here I heard flashdance’s what a feeling.  At first I smiled, then my heart grew bigger, and then tears started tickling my eyes.  The song makes me think of you.  The smile is because I can imagine you singing it - both in the quiet way you sang in the background as you did mundane things (like when you sang it as you cleaned up your kitchen and I was belted it like dying cats to the boys wii karaoke) and I smiled because I can imagine you singing it loudly in the car.  I smile because it makes me happy to think of you content, and happy.  But the tears come from missing you.  Missing the comfort of you.  My whole life you were my sister, but for my whole life you were also my second mom and my guidepost.  How lucky am I to have had, in one person, a sister, a guiding light, a bitch-fest friend, a confidant, a travel buddy, and a person who got me like no other.  The hard thing about having all of that and feeling lucky I had that is also feeling really sad I don’t any longer.  I miss you.  I miss the comfort of you.  I especially miss your vanilla scented hugs.

I’ll write soon with updates! But all in all the boys are good - Issac graduates in May and has a fabulous job in his field starting in June, Andrew is still in Louisville :( but doing great and showing his work how fabulous he is.  He owns part of a horse, too (MaryLou!)!! And Simon, he still doesn’t talk to me directly but I think he’s doing okay and is smart as ever at school.  I miss him.  Daniel’s 1 year anniversary just happened. Another day and tragedy I wish I could take away from them, from the Klein’s overall.  

Do you get to be with everyone?  Are you all watching?

We miss you.

XO

Me

More than a memory

 Kerr Bear,

I’m writing this while listening to ‘piña colada/escape’ so that I try to remember to be positive (and try to smile imagining you so happy singing it).  It’s hard… here are the truths:

You are gone.  Today makes 8 years.  Will never forget the day… dad called mac while I was on the phone with him.  I told him he should get it.  Mac called back - ‘where are you? I need to come get you.’ And then my hysterical crying.  Without knowing anything, I knew something.  The rest is history… a sucky history I replay.  I know some people get this more than others but I wish I could ‘groundhog day’ or ‘back to the future’ our lives.  Now knowing what November 21, 2014 was going to hold, could I go back in time to a date (1984 with Michael j fox??) and change something to alter your fate?  What I wouldn’t do to bring you back.. 

here’s what else I know:

- I miss you.  I miss you every day.  I told mac this morning … I don’t need today to remember you died 8 years ago.  I think about it every day.  Every time I knew I would’ve called you or still long to do so or every time I know I would’ve been doing what I’m doing but with you.  Lunches, holiday outings, phone call bitch fests.  The worst is when I do it alone - an outing or don’t even have the right one to call and bitch to.  Because the truth is… no one can replace you.  So today is not some ‘oh, right! She died!’ It’s just a greater gut punch. 

[ok now listening to Chicago’s greatest hits =P]

The list of what you’ve missed and what you continue to miss is endless, truly.  Because it’s in the mundane everyday and in the big things like Simon getting accepted to colleges, graduating high school, going to college, Issac getting into a scholars program at school, and coming up on his graduation, Andrew getting a job and being well loved in his office, Dakota’s 2nd birthday party.  It’s even in the sad things I’d want you around for - the hard days.  Saying goodbye to Leo, mom losing Rhoda, tough relationship moments, etc.  the list goes on…

Mom posted a poem that made me say ‘yup’:

I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new

I thought about you yesterday and the days before that too.

I think of you in silence, I often speak your name,

I hate that when I see you, it's a picture in a frame.

Your memory is a treasure, with which I'II never part

You will always be with me sister, I have you in my heart.

I wish you weren’t just a memory now…

Here’s how I try to find comfort in knowing you’re around in some way; that you’re more than just a memory:

- today Kenna and I hugged when she woke up.  For so long.  And I saw her face. She was just smiling contently.  She knew I needed it.  She hugs like you.  She never knew you but she loves with a giant heart like you.

- I got to wake up to Issac being home today.  3 pieces of you are with me.  They are 3 of my greatest gifts and joys.  

- you are with me always (while I still will always with that was more than just in my heart or a picture).  You’ve taught me so much of what I know and made me into so much of who I am today.  

I love you.

I wish I had my sister here.

But, of course, I will always treasure our 26 years together. I know I’ll also always wish we had and long for more.

Missing you today and always

XO