Good morning Kerr,
I’m awake because (1) BOTH girls went down without crying and didn’t need us to go back in once and have now BOTH been sleeping all night. I’m guessing someone will wake up once within the next 2 hours, but I just had to check the monitor and make sure they were okay. They’ve each slept thru the night a few times, but never the same night. We’re very lucky, though. They stay in their cribs 11 hours at night and when/if they do get up, they only need to be given a pacifier. Second reason I’m up is because the girls’ baby naming is today! Last night after they went down, Mac and I hopped into action! We went outside, setup the backyard, then went all around the house making sure it was in order and clutter free. I was then sitting on the couch thinking to myself ... wow - you’re pretty anxious for an event that’s not so big. I’ve coordinated out of town weddings for 200 people with 12 out of town vendors and the ceremony address kept a secret from the guests and I’ve been less anxious for that. Why am I so anxious for this? I do think a lot of it is anxious-excited. It’s such a special day for the girls and us as parents and the family. It’s sort of that first real moment I’m doing something super significant as a mom. Yes, I’ve given birth ... but since then, it’s felt funny to go to the dr and say “Kenna and Harley’s mom”. Like someone hasn’t stamped it into the official book yet. I’m a mom. I’m a mom?!? I’m a mom! To 2! It just hasn’t sunk in maybe... sounds strange but you do become one all of a sudden (and also 9 months in the making) and then boom - you’ve got a new title. So maybe today’s when in it sinks in. Mom Tessi. As if we’re not just entering the girls into the Jewish covenant but also me as this new person - mom Tessi.
But obviously, I’m also anxious for tomorrow because of you. You’re not coming. This is one of those days you’d be excited for and super helpful for. You would’ve had me get the full sheet cake and chocolate covered pretzels and Rice Krispie treats, too. You would’ve been here early to hold the girls as I setup or go put out the floral arrangements for me. (Mom will be here. Don’t worry.). You would’ve talked to the girls in a way I can imagine so crystal clear!! I can see it perfectly in my head. I’ll always want you around for the every-day, but it’s these bigger days when it hits. When that hole shows it’s ugly self reminding you something just doesn’t feel right... somethings just not complete. Like when you leave for the airport and feel like you’re forgetting something...
I just had to go in and give Harley her pacifier.
Are you trying to tell me something? Is it to stop writing to you right now? Just enjoy the day?
I will. And I’ll give them extra kisses from you.
I love you.
XO
Sunday, July 15, 2018
Saturday, May 12, 2018
Happy Mother’s Day to you
Hi Kerr Bear
Happy mother’s day to you. “The best mom to my nephews” as I always would write in your cards. You still are. They still act every day in the manner in which you raised them. They’re still incredible boys because of YOU. Andrew just finished freshman year of college at University of Louisville with a 3.2! And got into the business school! And instead of going to the Derby, he worked it - such drive and determination. Issac did phenomenal on his ACTs (and on the first try). I can’t wait to see where he’ll end up for college. Simon is doing well in school - got a 100 on a math test! And his grades this half will be better than they’ve been in years!
I haven’t written to you since February. Life’s been busy! I had the girls (after a couple hospital stays) on March 10th and March 11th. Yeeeesss - 2 birthdays! You would’ve totally insisted on 2 parties and you would’ve helped me plan each one every year. Kenna Faye (3.10) is named after you and Harley Fiona (3.11) is named after Bubby, Papa and Mac’s Grandparents. The girls are so cute & I love them so much but man oh man is it hard. There are many moments I want to text you and tell you things that most people would probably frown upon but you’d tell me it was okay and you thought those things, too, sometimes. I’m currently holding a sleepy Harley in my arms and watching Kenna sleep on her belly cause she failed at tummy time. My life really did a 180 and totally revolves around them (and their 3 hour sleep schedule). I breastfed for 6-7 weeks ... welll, I exclusively pumped since they were little and we needed to measure how much they were eating. I got mastitis twice and it sucked so bad. I had to stop ... I was miserable with the pumping schedule and the infection. I think it’s officially done now. You would’ve just zipped your mouth and rolled your eyes in an “I told you so” kind of way. But don’t worry - Simon did it for you. He said “you shouldn’t have breastfed”. “Mom always said not to.” Sure, I’m glad they got the nutrients and antibodies but I do think you were pretty right with that one. Simon is amazing with the babies!! He holds them and calms them and talks to them and isn’t afraid to!
I told Mac the other night that I’m not sooo excited for my first mother’s day. Maybe it’s because you’re not here which puts a sting on it or maybe it’s because, for a few years now, the love I’ve had for your boys is like they were my own. I know - weird statement. But I don’t feel like this is my first mother’s day. By no means am I saying I’m a mother to those boys, but I do love them like they were my own. I’d do anything and everything for them. I hate this day for them. The whole country stops in May to celebrate moms, but theirs isn’t here to celebrate. I hope they’re celebrating their memories with you, but I just bet the day blows. I know on your birthday or death anniversary, I just wish the day away. I wonder if mother’s day is like that for them.
This post was a bit rambly (yup - not a word) but that’s how my brain works lately. It’s all over the place. Soooo much going on and so busy - real estate, events by Tess, groceries, dinners, dishes, laundry, bills, dr appts, life appts, travel, gifts to organize and then taking care of 2 infants. Woah! I just wish you were here for all the crazy.
Off to make some bottles - time to eat again.
Missing you always.
XO
Happy mother’s day to you. “The best mom to my nephews” as I always would write in your cards. You still are. They still act every day in the manner in which you raised them. They’re still incredible boys because of YOU. Andrew just finished freshman year of college at University of Louisville with a 3.2! And got into the business school! And instead of going to the Derby, he worked it - such drive and determination. Issac did phenomenal on his ACTs (and on the first try). I can’t wait to see where he’ll end up for college. Simon is doing well in school - got a 100 on a math test! And his grades this half will be better than they’ve been in years!
I haven’t written to you since February. Life’s been busy! I had the girls (after a couple hospital stays) on March 10th and March 11th. Yeeeesss - 2 birthdays! You would’ve totally insisted on 2 parties and you would’ve helped me plan each one every year. Kenna Faye (3.10) is named after you and Harley Fiona (3.11) is named after Bubby, Papa and Mac’s Grandparents. The girls are so cute & I love them so much but man oh man is it hard. There are many moments I want to text you and tell you things that most people would probably frown upon but you’d tell me it was okay and you thought those things, too, sometimes. I’m currently holding a sleepy Harley in my arms and watching Kenna sleep on her belly cause she failed at tummy time. My life really did a 180 and totally revolves around them (and their 3 hour sleep schedule). I breastfed for 6-7 weeks ... welll, I exclusively pumped since they were little and we needed to measure how much they were eating. I got mastitis twice and it sucked so bad. I had to stop ... I was miserable with the pumping schedule and the infection. I think it’s officially done now. You would’ve just zipped your mouth and rolled your eyes in an “I told you so” kind of way. But don’t worry - Simon did it for you. He said “you shouldn’t have breastfed”. “Mom always said not to.” Sure, I’m glad they got the nutrients and antibodies but I do think you were pretty right with that one. Simon is amazing with the babies!! He holds them and calms them and talks to them and isn’t afraid to!
I told Mac the other night that I’m not sooo excited for my first mother’s day. Maybe it’s because you’re not here which puts a sting on it or maybe it’s because, for a few years now, the love I’ve had for your boys is like they were my own. I know - weird statement. But I don’t feel like this is my first mother’s day. By no means am I saying I’m a mother to those boys, but I do love them like they were my own. I’d do anything and everything for them. I hate this day for them. The whole country stops in May to celebrate moms, but theirs isn’t here to celebrate. I hope they’re celebrating their memories with you, but I just bet the day blows. I know on your birthday or death anniversary, I just wish the day away. I wonder if mother’s day is like that for them.
This post was a bit rambly (yup - not a word) but that’s how my brain works lately. It’s all over the place. Soooo much going on and so busy - real estate, events by Tess, groceries, dinners, dishes, laundry, bills, dr appts, life appts, travel, gifts to organize and then taking care of 2 infants. Woah! I just wish you were here for all the crazy.
Off to make some bottles - time to eat again.
Missing you always.
XO
Monday, February 26, 2018
Hard without you
Hi Kerr,
I’ve been doing this whole pregnancy thing without you. I’ve thought about you the entire time, but because I was never pregnant while you were alive, I’ve just had more of a longing for you (like I do all the time) rather than reminiscent of what would be if you were here like it had been before. I just simply don’t know what it is to have you while I’m pregnant. Like I’ve said before, though, my friends have been an incredible force. It’s like they check in as you would constantly wanting to know how I’m doing.
I’ve been doing okay. When we found out we were pregnant I, of course, longed to tell you. At each shower, I longed to have you there. I tearfully look forward wishing I could have photos of you meeting these girls for the first time. I even think I would’ve tried to convince you to be our nanny... despite all of this, I’ve been doing okay. Maybe it’s because the boys are around and they always make my soul more complete or maybe it’s because Simon has named one of the girls and Issac the other (totally random & totally cool) so it’s like you have such a big part in their lives already, but I’m not as broken through this pregnancy without you as I thought I’d be. Writing that sounds bitchy - but it’s not the intent :) Thing is, though, it just got hard...
I had my doctor appointment last week Tuesday. I got to the weekly appointment marker. I was more dilated, further effaced and having frequent contractions so she had me go into the hospital for observation. Things progressed and now I’m here, seemingly, until these girls come. We’ve managed to stall the labor and are now at 34 weeks 1 day! Yay! I think we’ll meet these girls within 2 weeks, and that thought is really setting in. OMG!! I get to meet them so soon. How amazing. What’s hard is not having you here to keep me company every day. This is something that’s kind of happened before. I spent 10 days in the hospital and you were there every day (because I held you hostage), and I know you would’ve been here now. We keep asking “what would kerry have said” or “Kerry’s trying to tell me...”. Mac found the dime you sent when he bought dinner the other night. What were you telling him?
Bottom line - I just wish you were here. I wish you were holding my hand. I wish you were being pushy with the doctors. I wish you were going to shower these girls in a love no one else can match. I wish, I wish, I wish.
I’m closing my eyes now. Tight. Trying to feel your hug. Trying to smell your scent. Trying to have you here. I’m lucky I really did know you so well - I think I know what you’d tell me. I’ll try to listen <3
XO
Me
I’ve been doing this whole pregnancy thing without you. I’ve thought about you the entire time, but because I was never pregnant while you were alive, I’ve just had more of a longing for you (like I do all the time) rather than reminiscent of what would be if you were here like it had been before. I just simply don’t know what it is to have you while I’m pregnant. Like I’ve said before, though, my friends have been an incredible force. It’s like they check in as you would constantly wanting to know how I’m doing.
I’ve been doing okay. When we found out we were pregnant I, of course, longed to tell you. At each shower, I longed to have you there. I tearfully look forward wishing I could have photos of you meeting these girls for the first time. I even think I would’ve tried to convince you to be our nanny... despite all of this, I’ve been doing okay. Maybe it’s because the boys are around and they always make my soul more complete or maybe it’s because Simon has named one of the girls and Issac the other (totally random & totally cool) so it’s like you have such a big part in their lives already, but I’m not as broken through this pregnancy without you as I thought I’d be. Writing that sounds bitchy - but it’s not the intent :) Thing is, though, it just got hard...
I had my doctor appointment last week Tuesday. I got to the weekly appointment marker. I was more dilated, further effaced and having frequent contractions so she had me go into the hospital for observation. Things progressed and now I’m here, seemingly, until these girls come. We’ve managed to stall the labor and are now at 34 weeks 1 day! Yay! I think we’ll meet these girls within 2 weeks, and that thought is really setting in. OMG!! I get to meet them so soon. How amazing. What’s hard is not having you here to keep me company every day. This is something that’s kind of happened before. I spent 10 days in the hospital and you were there every day (because I held you hostage), and I know you would’ve been here now. We keep asking “what would kerry have said” or “Kerry’s trying to tell me...”. Mac found the dime you sent when he bought dinner the other night. What were you telling him?
Bottom line - I just wish you were here. I wish you were holding my hand. I wish you were being pushy with the doctors. I wish you were going to shower these girls in a love no one else can match. I wish, I wish, I wish.
I’m closing my eyes now. Tight. Trying to feel your hug. Trying to smell your scent. Trying to have you here. I’m lucky I really did know you so well - I think I know what you’d tell me. I’ll try to listen <3
XO
Me
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
25 years of memories.
Hey Kerr,
"this is us", the show I said you'd love, came back from winter break tonight. It was another great episode. The mom said something (again) which resonated with me. They were in a family counseling session and she said 'my kids had 17 years with their dad. That's all. 17 years of memories. They don't get any more.' (coincidentally, this quote came from the episode on a week where we have 2 big events I so badly wish you could be at.). I know, for so many reasons, I'm lucky I got 25 years of memories with you, but I want more.
To start,
You have a new nephew! Miles Allan Neuhauser. Jenna was a champ making Labor and delivery look easy on january 3rd with Miles coming in at 8lbs 15 oz and 22 inches long. The bris is tomorrow. You would've been so excited bringing all the cute custom sweets and more presents (because I can guarantee you would've already bought a ton). I'm so glad Miles has Allan's name. I can't wait to share all of Allan's life lessons with him. "You can't be the man if you work for the man." Chicago is the best band of all time. "If you've worked hard for the money which pays them, then it's like you cleaned the house yourself." Allan came into jordan and my life at such an influential time and he came in bigger than life as a loving teddy bear who loved us more than I could describe. As you know, Allan meant the world to jordan. It's so right his son should carry his name. I wish you could be here to see him honored.
And to continue with the baby theme,
My first baby shower is this weekend. It reminds me of my first bridal shower. I can't remember if I've told you this before, but here it is... I scheduled showings for the morning of my first bridal shower. Weird - yeah. I got home and lost it. I started crying to Mac that I couldn't imagine getting ready. I couldn't imagine going to the shower knowing you weren't going to be there. I cried and cried but knew I had to get dressed and put on makeup. It took me forever to do my makeup. I text dad while I was getting ready to tell him I hated that I couldn't feel you near me. That I needed to feel your presence. He told me to be patient, you were just at your manicure. Because I couldn't get my shit together, I was running late. While in the car, I heard the (then) new ed Sheeran song. Dad had talked to me about it the night before but I hadn't heard it yet so I thought he was referring to a different one. This one was called "photograph". The line which really hit me then was, "You can fit me Inside the necklace you got when you were sixteen Next to your heartbeat where I should be Keep it deep within your soul". That day, I was wearing your necklace. Your heart shaped necklace you lent me to wear to Maggie's wedding. I joked with you that you weren't going to get it back... welp . You didn't. Anyhoo, the song was a sign. It was what I needed.
I'll be looking for the signs tomorrow and Saturday and every day for the rest of my life. I hope you can see all that's going on around here. (There's quite a lot). I only have 25 years of memories with you, but I hold them forever just like I hold my love for you forever, in my heart.
XO
"this is us", the show I said you'd love, came back from winter break tonight. It was another great episode. The mom said something (again) which resonated with me. They were in a family counseling session and she said 'my kids had 17 years with their dad. That's all. 17 years of memories. They don't get any more.' (coincidentally, this quote came from the episode on a week where we have 2 big events I so badly wish you could be at.). I know, for so many reasons, I'm lucky I got 25 years of memories with you, but I want more.
To start,
You have a new nephew! Miles Allan Neuhauser. Jenna was a champ making Labor and delivery look easy on january 3rd with Miles coming in at 8lbs 15 oz and 22 inches long. The bris is tomorrow. You would've been so excited bringing all the cute custom sweets and more presents (because I can guarantee you would've already bought a ton). I'm so glad Miles has Allan's name. I can't wait to share all of Allan's life lessons with him. "You can't be the man if you work for the man." Chicago is the best band of all time. "If you've worked hard for the money which pays them, then it's like you cleaned the house yourself." Allan came into jordan and my life at such an influential time and he came in bigger than life as a loving teddy bear who loved us more than I could describe. As you know, Allan meant the world to jordan. It's so right his son should carry his name. I wish you could be here to see him honored.
And to continue with the baby theme,
My first baby shower is this weekend. It reminds me of my first bridal shower. I can't remember if I've told you this before, but here it is... I scheduled showings for the morning of my first bridal shower. Weird - yeah. I got home and lost it. I started crying to Mac that I couldn't imagine getting ready. I couldn't imagine going to the shower knowing you weren't going to be there. I cried and cried but knew I had to get dressed and put on makeup. It took me forever to do my makeup. I text dad while I was getting ready to tell him I hated that I couldn't feel you near me. That I needed to feel your presence. He told me to be patient, you were just at your manicure. Because I couldn't get my shit together, I was running late. While in the car, I heard the (then) new ed Sheeran song. Dad had talked to me about it the night before but I hadn't heard it yet so I thought he was referring to a different one. This one was called "photograph". The line which really hit me then was, "You can fit me Inside the necklace you got when you were sixteen Next to your heartbeat where I should be Keep it deep within your soul". That day, I was wearing your necklace. Your heart shaped necklace you lent me to wear to Maggie's wedding. I joked with you that you weren't going to get it back... welp . You didn't. Anyhoo, the song was a sign. It was what I needed.
I'll be looking for the signs tomorrow and Saturday and every day for the rest of my life. I hope you can see all that's going on around here. (There's quite a lot). I only have 25 years of memories with you, but I hold them forever just like I hold my love for you forever, in my heart.
XO
Sunday, November 5, 2017
Kerry, I'm pregnant!
Hi Kerr,
Again, it's been awhile since I've written. And, again, it's not for the lack of wanting to. I thought things were busy before, but I don't think I knew what busy really was and... that's going to take on an entirely new definition, again, come spring. Mac and I are pregnant! With twins! I wish I knew what your reaction would've been... questioning me (like mom) "no? You're kidding..." or just non stop laughter or tears?! The best part is, your "aunt status" would've skyrocketed! Lance & Erin and Jordan & Jenna are having babies, too!!
Now, none of us have had babies and had you in our lives at the same time, but it's the one thing I really, truly, wish I had... you. Your insight, your reminders that you didn't know what you were doing when you had andrew and look at him now - he's a big thriving boy, your laughter, your love, your being in the delivery room (so long as you'd gotten past the fainting around medical stuff thing)... I miss you. I miss everything you brought to my life and everything you would've brought to it now. You would've been the best aunt ever. Hands down. No questions. (Even better than me hahahahahahah)
A few years ago, we were once talking about when I'd have babies, and I said well... you better hope I'm not pregnant at Simon's Bar Mitzvah. You asked why? And I said well... if it's too far along, I might not be so fabulous at getting his party together. Well... I think you had a hand in the timing. It took us 10 months to get pregnant, and of course, not without its complications but I seemed to have magically found out I was pregnant the week we started taking care of the boys and just a couple weeks before Simons bar mitzvah. His party rocked! But man oh man was I sick and tired :)
Do you also remember when I was little - somewhere between 10 and 16 - for some reason we were talking about maternity clothes. You told me that some day when I was pregnant I'd get to go shopping at pea in the pod because it's a store meant for people who were sticks before they got pregnant and I'm a skinny bitch... well despite my MAJOR anxiety over maternity clothes shopping, I went into pea in the pod and their stuff is super cute (and super expensive). The lady was showing me pants and said they ran from XS to XL but really just to large. I couldn't help but giggle... you were right. Skinny bitches. The pants fit pretty cute but I didn't get them. I promise, though, I'll get one thing from pea in the pod just to make you happy (and pissed).
My anxiety around shopping for clothes has been insane - yeah, I know... me.. the girl who never gets anxious about shopping. But it was. Ilyssa took me, though, to go shopping. She's been incredible. Since you died, we talk all the time. She's always just checking in. And since I got pregnant, she checks in every day. She knows what to say just like you... I vent about something and the response is spot on. Someone rear ends me (yup, my first car accident) and she tells me it'll all be okay but just see my dr to feel better. She's become my sister and it's been so comforting.
There's so much more I could tell you... Simon's bar mitzvah was insane. He did so well and is so poised. His speeches, haftorah, Torah, etc was all done with such confidence. Andrew is doing amazing at the university of Louisville - he's running to be on the board of his fraternity and getting great grades and happy and healthy. Issac is my little angel always being helpful and honest and respectful and funny and gearing up for ACT/SAT time. It's true that they grow up so fast...
I religiously watch this new show I think you'd LOVE! It's called "this is us". Last week's episode showed a character being present to watch her first grandchild come into the world, but she wished her husband would've been there. She said something that really rang true:
"And that's just something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. The happiest moments will also be a little sad."
It's true... time makes life without you "the norm". Life goes on and we go on and it becomes the reality that you're not going on with us, but the other truth is that I'll never stop wanting for you to be here. To be a part of everything special and even everything hard.
My babies will know you. They'll know their aunt. They'll know your love.
I love you
XO
Again, it's been awhile since I've written. And, again, it's not for the lack of wanting to. I thought things were busy before, but I don't think I knew what busy really was and... that's going to take on an entirely new definition, again, come spring. Mac and I are pregnant! With twins! I wish I knew what your reaction would've been... questioning me (like mom) "no? You're kidding..." or just non stop laughter or tears?! The best part is, your "aunt status" would've skyrocketed! Lance & Erin and Jordan & Jenna are having babies, too!!
Now, none of us have had babies and had you in our lives at the same time, but it's the one thing I really, truly, wish I had... you. Your insight, your reminders that you didn't know what you were doing when you had andrew and look at him now - he's a big thriving boy, your laughter, your love, your being in the delivery room (so long as you'd gotten past the fainting around medical stuff thing)... I miss you. I miss everything you brought to my life and everything you would've brought to it now. You would've been the best aunt ever. Hands down. No questions. (Even better than me hahahahahahah)
A few years ago, we were once talking about when I'd have babies, and I said well... you better hope I'm not pregnant at Simon's Bar Mitzvah. You asked why? And I said well... if it's too far along, I might not be so fabulous at getting his party together. Well... I think you had a hand in the timing. It took us 10 months to get pregnant, and of course, not without its complications but I seemed to have magically found out I was pregnant the week we started taking care of the boys and just a couple weeks before Simons bar mitzvah. His party rocked! But man oh man was I sick and tired :)
Do you also remember when I was little - somewhere between 10 and 16 - for some reason we were talking about maternity clothes. You told me that some day when I was pregnant I'd get to go shopping at pea in the pod because it's a store meant for people who were sticks before they got pregnant and I'm a skinny bitch... well despite my MAJOR anxiety over maternity clothes shopping, I went into pea in the pod and their stuff is super cute (and super expensive). The lady was showing me pants and said they ran from XS to XL but really just to large. I couldn't help but giggle... you were right. Skinny bitches. The pants fit pretty cute but I didn't get them. I promise, though, I'll get one thing from pea in the pod just to make you happy (and pissed).
My anxiety around shopping for clothes has been insane - yeah, I know... me.. the girl who never gets anxious about shopping. But it was. Ilyssa took me, though, to go shopping. She's been incredible. Since you died, we talk all the time. She's always just checking in. And since I got pregnant, she checks in every day. She knows what to say just like you... I vent about something and the response is spot on. Someone rear ends me (yup, my first car accident) and she tells me it'll all be okay but just see my dr to feel better. She's become my sister and it's been so comforting.
There's so much more I could tell you... Simon's bar mitzvah was insane. He did so well and is so poised. His speeches, haftorah, Torah, etc was all done with such confidence. Andrew is doing amazing at the university of Louisville - he's running to be on the board of his fraternity and getting great grades and happy and healthy. Issac is my little angel always being helpful and honest and respectful and funny and gearing up for ACT/SAT time. It's true that they grow up so fast...
I religiously watch this new show I think you'd LOVE! It's called "this is us". Last week's episode showed a character being present to watch her first grandchild come into the world, but she wished her husband would've been there. She said something that really rang true:
"And that's just something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. The happiest moments will also be a little sad."
It's true... time makes life without you "the norm". Life goes on and we go on and it becomes the reality that you're not going on with us, but the other truth is that I'll never stop wanting for you to be here. To be a part of everything special and even everything hard.
My babies will know you. They'll know their aunt. They'll know your love.
I love you
XO
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Now and Forever
Hi Kerr Bear,
It's been a few months since I've written but not due to any lack of wanting to. Maybe I've started to believe you can see what's going on around here... or maybe it's just been busy ... but it's Mother's Day & I want to tell you about your boys.
Andrew went to prom last night!!! Prom! Andrew! He's 18.5 this week!!! He looked so handsome!!! I think he looks just like Allan. You would've been taking so many pictures!!! Issac and Simon looked nice and came with so we got good ones of the 3 of them. And Soph looked out of this world stunning. It's funny but I think she's a lot like you. She has the biggest heart, she's beautiful, and she has such confidence in how she carries herself. I love them together and loved seeing them off to prom. Earlier this week was varsity night for baseball. It was such an honor for andrew to ask me to walk him out to the field. I love that kid ❤️ He's just so kind and sweet and passionate and caring and when he smiles, he looks even more like Allan. Oh how I miss you both.
Issac keeps getting taller and bigger!! He's becoming such a man, too! Can you believe we'll go for his drivers license in a few weeks?! I just can't believe how quickly time is moving and how old they're getting. I feel like I was just going through ACT stuff with andrew and then college visits, but now Issac will be doing the same thing this coming year. Crazy. I worry about him, though. He's so smart and empathetic and truly wants to make everyone he cares about happy, but I want him to focus on his own happiness too. He's still so funny. Gosh - I just remember how he could always make you laugh.
Simon and I are doing well!! I feel like we got even closer this week. We keep making strides. It's hard... I'm sure it feels like I'm trying to replace you, but I never would want to. I never could, either. I just want so badly to help him. He's still so young but yet had so much life handed to him already. His bar mitzvah invitations went out last week. They say Simon Howie. Yup - not his name. (Even though that's what I told you I wanted... although, a different spelling - HOWWE). He decided he doesn't like Howard but likes Howie better. When I told him I didn't like the idea of putting a different name on the invitation than the one you and Allan gave him and that I thought you'd be upset,, he said he gets that but he would've worked you over eventually... that statement worked me over :) Simon Howie it is. I have his montage appointment in a month. I'll go to the house soon and get all of your well organized photo albums to start looking through. I don't think I'm going to use this song in the montage, but I keep coming back to "now and forever" by Carole king. The words just seem to ring true...
"We had a moment
Just one moment
That will last beyond a dream, beyond a lifetime
We are the lucky ones
Some people never get to do
All we got to do
Now and forever
I will always be with you"
You will always be with Simon. It's a fitting song, but I also connect with it.
I try to listen to those words and appreciate what we did have. Our bond was greater than what so many people share with their siblings or friends.
We just clicked.
We just for each other.
Oh how I miss you.
"I miss the tears
I miss the laughter
I miss the day we met and all that followed ever"
Today is your day. It's Mother's Day. And although you are not here, you live on in those boys. (But seriously, you do... andrew made Bub feel like crap about how she made you buy your own jeans!! It was great! He told the story just like you used to)
You are still the greatest mother ever. Every day they live just as you raised them to - they're good boys and it's because of you. So just like I used to write in the card I gave you every year on Mother's Day, "thanks for being the best mom for my nephews!"
Xoxo
"Now and forever
You are apart of me"
It's been a few months since I've written but not due to any lack of wanting to. Maybe I've started to believe you can see what's going on around here... or maybe it's just been busy ... but it's Mother's Day & I want to tell you about your boys.
Andrew went to prom last night!!! Prom! Andrew! He's 18.5 this week!!! He looked so handsome!!! I think he looks just like Allan. You would've been taking so many pictures!!! Issac and Simon looked nice and came with so we got good ones of the 3 of them. And Soph looked out of this world stunning. It's funny but I think she's a lot like you. She has the biggest heart, she's beautiful, and she has such confidence in how she carries herself. I love them together and loved seeing them off to prom. Earlier this week was varsity night for baseball. It was such an honor for andrew to ask me to walk him out to the field. I love that kid ❤️ He's just so kind and sweet and passionate and caring and when he smiles, he looks even more like Allan. Oh how I miss you both.
Issac keeps getting taller and bigger!! He's becoming such a man, too! Can you believe we'll go for his drivers license in a few weeks?! I just can't believe how quickly time is moving and how old they're getting. I feel like I was just going through ACT stuff with andrew and then college visits, but now Issac will be doing the same thing this coming year. Crazy. I worry about him, though. He's so smart and empathetic and truly wants to make everyone he cares about happy, but I want him to focus on his own happiness too. He's still so funny. Gosh - I just remember how he could always make you laugh.
Simon and I are doing well!! I feel like we got even closer this week. We keep making strides. It's hard... I'm sure it feels like I'm trying to replace you, but I never would want to. I never could, either. I just want so badly to help him. He's still so young but yet had so much life handed to him already. His bar mitzvah invitations went out last week. They say Simon Howie. Yup - not his name. (Even though that's what I told you I wanted... although, a different spelling - HOWWE). He decided he doesn't like Howard but likes Howie better. When I told him I didn't like the idea of putting a different name on the invitation than the one you and Allan gave him and that I thought you'd be upset,, he said he gets that but he would've worked you over eventually... that statement worked me over :) Simon Howie it is. I have his montage appointment in a month. I'll go to the house soon and get all of your well organized photo albums to start looking through. I don't think I'm going to use this song in the montage, but I keep coming back to "now and forever" by Carole king. The words just seem to ring true...
"We had a moment
Just one moment
That will last beyond a dream, beyond a lifetime
We are the lucky ones
Some people never get to do
All we got to do
Now and forever
I will always be with you"
You will always be with Simon. It's a fitting song, but I also connect with it.
I try to listen to those words and appreciate what we did have. Our bond was greater than what so many people share with their siblings or friends.
We just clicked.
We just for each other.
Oh how I miss you.
"I miss the tears
I miss the laughter
I miss the day we met and all that followed ever"
Today is your day. It's Mother's Day. And although you are not here, you live on in those boys. (But seriously, you do... andrew made Bub feel like crap about how she made you buy your own jeans!! It was great! He told the story just like you used to)
You are still the greatest mother ever. Every day they live just as you raised them to - they're good boys and it's because of you. So just like I used to write in the card I gave you every year on Mother's Day, "thanks for being the best mom for my nephews!"
Xoxo
"Now and forever
You are apart of me"
Monday, January 2, 2017
Happy 41st birthday, Kerr ❤
Happy birthday, KerrBear!
You should be 41 today. 41... it sounds old. I've been teasing Jordan because he's 31 and that sounds old. The number after hitting that "big" year actually sounds sooo much older to me. It's been fun to tease Jordan that he's now soooo old. It makes me sad that I can't tease you, too. So many people try to avoid growing old by covering up wrinkles or what not but I think growing old is such a prrivledge. It means you've lived and loved another day. It means you had another day of creating memories and moments with friends and family. You should be growing old with us.
It's 2017. I felt sad as the clock struck midnight. Another new year. Another year without new memories with you.
Big things in 2017:
- Zion's bar mitzvah is this month! I have this feeling that he's going to just blow us away and be the most amazing shining star on the bimah. Jordan and I have planned a great party - you'd love it. Very relaxed and tons of fun. Zion looks so much like steve as he's getting older, but still has Micki's eyes. He's really becoming a young man.
- Simons bar mitzvah is this year! It will be hard. A boy should have his parents at his bar mitzvah. Period. He will have a LOT of love, though. I hope for him they'll be a moment ... a moment when he's on the bimah that he can feel your presence and Allan's presence. I haven't been one with deep faith lately, but I do hope and pray that Simon gets a sense of your pride and joy that day. I know you'd be so proud of your baby boy.
- issac turns 16! What a big year! The funny thing is, it's not hard to believe. Issac looks like such a man!!! I looked at a pic of him from NYE and thought, woah! He's such a man!! He is so tall and not skinny issac anymore ... he is big and muscular now like andrew. He'll be going into his junior year this fall. I'm now a pro on ACTs and college visits so we're good! :)
- andrew goes to college this year. Drumroll..... he's going to be a cardinal at the university of Louisville! I'm so so so proud of him! He has really done so well at GBN and did so well on his ACTs. He's focused himself academically, socially, and professionally and is excelling in all categories. He got into all 4 colleges he applied to and took his decision seriously. Dropping him off at school is going to be so hard!!!!!! I'm so glad he's just an easy drive away. You raised such a good boy.
We're going to the cemetery today to visit the plaque. The boys joked we should bring balloons like when you went for Allan's birthday. I like that they have the same sense of humor we did. Simon asked if we could go today. Today will be the third day this week I get to see Simon and I'm so excited. Any day I see the boys, I feel better. They've always had my heart, but since you passed, they hold my heart together. On days when I see Simon and we get along well, it's like I have a skip in my step. I'm not always his favorite person so when we get along, it means so much to me.
I miss you, Kerr. I miss you every day. I miss you all day.
Happy birthday. I want to believe you can see this blog. I want to believe you're well. I want to believe you're celebrating with the fam up there.
xo
Me
You should be 41 today. 41... it sounds old. I've been teasing Jordan because he's 31 and that sounds old. The number after hitting that "big" year actually sounds sooo much older to me. It's been fun to tease Jordan that he's now soooo old. It makes me sad that I can't tease you, too. So many people try to avoid growing old by covering up wrinkles or what not but I think growing old is such a prrivledge. It means you've lived and loved another day. It means you had another day of creating memories and moments with friends and family. You should be growing old with us.
It's 2017. I felt sad as the clock struck midnight. Another new year. Another year without new memories with you.
Big things in 2017:
- Zion's bar mitzvah is this month! I have this feeling that he's going to just blow us away and be the most amazing shining star on the bimah. Jordan and I have planned a great party - you'd love it. Very relaxed and tons of fun. Zion looks so much like steve as he's getting older, but still has Micki's eyes. He's really becoming a young man.
- Simons bar mitzvah is this year! It will be hard. A boy should have his parents at his bar mitzvah. Period. He will have a LOT of love, though. I hope for him they'll be a moment ... a moment when he's on the bimah that he can feel your presence and Allan's presence. I haven't been one with deep faith lately, but I do hope and pray that Simon gets a sense of your pride and joy that day. I know you'd be so proud of your baby boy.
- issac turns 16! What a big year! The funny thing is, it's not hard to believe. Issac looks like such a man!!! I looked at a pic of him from NYE and thought, woah! He's such a man!! He is so tall and not skinny issac anymore ... he is big and muscular now like andrew. He'll be going into his junior year this fall. I'm now a pro on ACTs and college visits so we're good! :)
- andrew goes to college this year. Drumroll..... he's going to be a cardinal at the university of Louisville! I'm so so so proud of him! He has really done so well at GBN and did so well on his ACTs. He's focused himself academically, socially, and professionally and is excelling in all categories. He got into all 4 colleges he applied to and took his decision seriously. Dropping him off at school is going to be so hard!!!!!! I'm so glad he's just an easy drive away. You raised such a good boy.
We're going to the cemetery today to visit the plaque. The boys joked we should bring balloons like when you went for Allan's birthday. I like that they have the same sense of humor we did. Simon asked if we could go today. Today will be the third day this week I get to see Simon and I'm so excited. Any day I see the boys, I feel better. They've always had my heart, but since you passed, they hold my heart together. On days when I see Simon and we get along well, it's like I have a skip in my step. I'm not always his favorite person so when we get along, it means so much to me.
I miss you, Kerr. I miss you every day. I miss you all day.
Happy birthday. I want to believe you can see this blog. I want to believe you're well. I want to believe you're celebrating with the fam up there.
xo
Me
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)