Are you watching?

 Kerr Bear (and Allan),

Simon’s in surgery right now as I type this.  I’m in the waiting room.  He told me I could write to you now.  He has a herniated disc (and stenosis and a curved spine and some other bad back nonsense).  He tried all options… this was inevitable and the only next step.  He has been in so much pain and can’t be himself.  And he’s 17.  It’s not right to have such problems so young  and it’s also so early to have surgery.  And you’re not here to guide him or care for him or help him make decisions.  Are you watching?  Are you making sure he’s okay?  Are you sending some kind of love and strength and healing?  I sure hope so.

I want him to be okay.

I want this surgery to help him.

 No… it’s not the end all be all fix, but I want it to give him his life back.

Since you can’t be here with him physically, please send all of the good vibes from up above.  Give him your big Kerry vanilla-scented hugs.

XO

Mother’s Day

 Kerr Bear,

I think this would’ve been your favorite Mother’s Day weekend yet.  You would’ve been out of town watching your first born graduate college!  Lots of restaurant reservations and celebrations.  How perfect!  I’m so proud of Andrew.  I know you are, too.

I think I’ve realized why I don’t like Mother’s Day.  So before you were gone, Mother’s Day was fine!  While Bubby was alive, we went out?? Is that right?  I think that was the one time of year Bubby liked eating out but after she passed, you’d host because mom didn’t like going out?  Maybe I’m totally screwing this up here.  Mom will have to tell me.  We used to go to the bagel in Old Orchard, right?  My memories suck but as I write this, some are coming back.

The thing is, I used to get really excited to celebrate YOU on Mother’s Day.  Being an Aunt has always been one of my favorite things to be.  Hands down.  You knew that.  Most people know that about me.  I became an Aunt because of YOU!  The best gift ever.  So I loved getting you a card to thank you for being a great mama to my nephews.

Today is just another one of those big days you’re not here for.  Another holiday I want to celebrate with you, but I can’t.  It’s another day my grief feels bigger.

Also this year, I just don’t feel like I deserve Mother’s Day.  Now let’s be honest, my 3 Mother’s Days have not been the pomp and circumstance that most expect.  Mac tries but he hates Hallmark holidays so he buys what I say I want and generally hates the pressure to make this day special (and remember my first Mother’s Day bwahahahah).  But truthfully, I feel like he deserves Mother’s Day & Father’s Day this year.  I’ve been falling short as a mom.  I’ve been so busy with work (yayy) and moody and impatient and it’s making me not the best mama.  Mac picks up where I leave off, everyday.  He’s the fun one.  The one with extra patience and cuddles.  Fishing, playing, make-believing etc etc etc.  He’s a saint and the most incredible guy.

I am grateful to be a mom.  So many today struggle because they are trying to become mamas or have lost babies and so much more.  After much effort, we got the big girls and then Dakota.  I’m so full of gratitude to have them.  But today just doesn’t feel like the super happy day everyone believes Mother’s Day to be.

I know you’d get it.

I wish we were chatting about this while getting pedicures and drinking Starbucks.

I love you.

I miss you.

Happy Mother’s Day to the best mama.

XO

Car rides

 Hey Kerr,

I’ve been thinking about you even more lately.  But it hasn’t been all awesome.  The day you died has been replaying a lot in my head.  Usually it happens when I am driving, and I’ve been in the car more lately than probably in the entire past year.  The girls started preschool (omg they’re so cute & growing so quickly) and so I drive them back and forth and work has been picking up, etc.  I think car rides make my brain replay that day because I was in Mac’s car when I found out you died...

Mac got me.  I asked who was it.  He said you.  I begged him to tell me what happened but he wouldn’t.  Dad told him not to so all he said was ‘call your dad’.  Dad told me, while choking back tears, you died.  I wonder if he remembers that moment or even that he’s the one who told me.  Your brain has a funny way of forgetting things so it can protect itself.  My brain forgot Allan’s funeral.  It only came rushing back to me once when I re-entered the room his service was in.  It happened with your funeral, too.  I forgot where your funeral took place until I was back there for Matt’s Grandma and had a panic attack.  

Being the bearer of bad news sucks.  Because now, you’re a key part of that persons terrible story.  I hate that I’m the one who told Andrew you were gone.  I’ll never forget it.  Never.  What he said.  The room we were in.  The walk down the hall.  The car ride home.  It’s not that I’m mad I’m the one who told him or Issac or being with Steve to tell Simon & Zion.  I just hate that I’m the one in their memory of how they found out.  But maybe it’s that I’m just mad it had to be told... that it happened at all.

Today’s car ride replay was of when Allan died. That day I jumped into action and knew it was the time Andrew had to get picked up from camp.  He went to camp at the JCC.  The girls go to school at the JCC.  Different ones, but still... so as I pulled out of the parking lot today, my brain went to when I was pulling out from the parking lot on July 9, 2004.

When I find my mind spiraling down the events of November 21, 2014, I tell it to think of other things.  I try to do my best to divert my brain away from remembering all of the terrible moments ... calling Natalie and Ilyssa while I waited for a mac to get me... knowing nothing and yet knowing something terrible had happened.  The drive which seemed like it took forever.  The walk down the halls of Glenbrook hospital to find the ER.  The woman saying ‘I’m sorry’ when I told her who I was there for.  Collapsing to the ground.  The list of memories go on.  The tinges of moments.  But instead of thinking of those, I try to make a list and replay the good times.  Where does my mind go when I try to think of you (and not the day you died):

Mrs Doubtfire | the day you came home from Hawaii engaged | the bridal suite we got ready in for your wedding | you singing ‘the piña colada song’ in Italy | you hitting Issac at China chef | you singing in your Escalade | laughing hysterically in Vegas about gelato | sitting on the floor of the great room in Lincolnwood playing with baby Andrew | texting you while I was in the hospital in Spain | holding you hostage while I was in the hospital after my surgery | living with you and the nights we’d make cookies or get red mango | texting about you’ve got mail, my best friends wedding & sleepless in Seattle | getting my wedding dress | the first time you took me for a manicure | the first time you took me for an eyebrow wax | all of the care packages you sent to me at college | the killers - specifically ‘human’ | ‘walk 1000 miles’ | REM ‘stand’ | anything by that 80s singer... you know the one | Sophie b Hawkins ‘as I lay me down to sleep’ | Lance’s 30th birthday and me getting you drunk for the first time | your vanilla scented hugs | laughing so hard at Dad washing his phone again | swearing |

I love you.  I miss you.

XO

Happy Valentine’s Day

45

 Happy 45th birthday, Kerry!!

I can imagine you would’ve hated turning 45 (weird statement to make considering..) but you would’ve! So I probably would’ve said it on repeat, publicly wishing you a happy 45th birthday instead of just ‘happy birthday!’.  You would’ve freaked out because 45 is the next big milestone birthday to 50.  And it would’ve sucked because you would’ve spent another birthday inside, only this time, not because of some crazy winter storm (although it did snow/rain), but because the pandemic is still very much here.  

For your birthday, I got you a niece who looks like you (well, your baby pic)!  Or at least I think so!  Issac just says babies look like blobs so he doesn’t see it.  Everyone is saying she’s my twin/looks like Simon.  We named her Dakota Jolene; D for Allan David and J for Aaron Jack.  Simon came up with Jolene.  I wanted a regular size/big baby so badly.  I wanted her to just be happy and healthy and she arrived weighing 8.3!  One of the first things I said was ‘I got my squishy’.  You’d love her!! I know you agreed, the squishier the better.  Which is why you’d also be beyond obsessed with the most gorgeous, Ada.  She’s growing so nicely and is certainly Miles’ sister - beautiful like him.  I haven’t kissed her... her big cheeks, her beautiful hair.  This pandemic sucks ass.

I just got Dakota back down to sleep and should fall back asleep myself before the big girls wake up, but I knew I wanted to write you. I miss you. I feel like we would’ve had one another in our Covid-friendly circles somehow.  Even though the boys would’ve bugged you to go do what they wanted which would make them and you Covid risks, but somehow I just think we would’ve figured it out.  So we would’ve had lunch and dinners and days together as much as we could.  Maybe that’s just wishful thinking... but I sure do wish you were here.  Even if just to text you.  I feel like a lot of what I’d want to do is vent.  Which isn’t great, but you would’ve been okay with it.  I’d want to tell you how hard this all is and how much I just feel ... blah.  New baby, wanting my body back, winter weather, Covid restrictions, no travel plans ... it’s a lot all at once.  Planning a little birthday thing would’ve been fun for you though.  

I love you.  I really do hope and wish you’re somehow celebrating.  Did Bubby make you cakes for your birthday, too?  I’d have to assume so.  We’re yours yellow cake with chocolate frosting?  I don’t remember you loving Bubby’s sweets like I did.  Funny enough, when I close my eyes and go back to holidays at Bubby’s, I can’t see you or Lance.  Maybe you guys say at the dining room table? I don’t think you were with Jordan and me in the kitchen.  I’m likely wrong about so many aspects here.  But I hope she’s made you something fabulous.  Maybe today would’ve been my big exception day and we would’ve gone for mani/pedis..?

Anyhoo... rambling again.  The bottom line is, I wish I could celebrate with you today.  I wish I could bitch with you every day.  And oh how I wish, with all of my wishes, that I could have a Kerry hug.  The big, tight, hug like you meant it, smelled like Vanilla sugar cookie, Kerry hug.  I need it.  I need you.

Happy 45th birthday my sweet sister.

XO

Me

2020.

 Hey Kerr,

It’s been awhile.  And, frankly, not because I didn’t have the time, but just because I sometimes can’t find the words. 

Although, I have been busy, life is not the same hustle bustle.  2020 has been a shit show.  We’re in a worldwide pandemic.  You’d haaaaaate it.  You would’ve gone months without manicures and getting your hair done and you would’ve had months without date nights and being cooped up with the boys.  A super big silver lining was that Issac’s school sent everyone home after spring break so we got to have him from Spring Break all the way until august.  He’s doing all virtual classes but is at school.  He has a great townhouse with a very sweet roommate from GBN.  His roommate cooks incredible food every night!! And Issac is being really safe.  We miss him so much, especially the girls, but are excited to have him home for Thanksgiving break.  We got him a new car to take to school this year; his first car just needed too much work and I was too worried with the long drives.  I knew it was something you & Allan would’ve done, too.  Andrew went back down to Louisville over the summer.  He was working so hard delivering food and is now a senior - OMG!  When did that happen.  He lives in the frat house and has virtual classes too.  He hates being virtual, but I know he’s still keeping a good social life, which is important.  I’m afraid he won’t come back to chicago after graduation.  :-/ Simon is a junior.  Wowzers!  Not sure what’ll happened with the ACT/SAT and if he’ll need to take it for college apps with this pandemic and such.  I can’t believe how quickly they’re growing.  Simy is so tall and has gotten sooooo fit!  They’re all so handsome and I know you’d just LOVE taking photos with them as they tower over you and look so good.  Andrew came in for a weekend a few weeks ago and was holding Kenna’s hand as we walked back from the park.  He had to bend to hold her.  It’s so cute to see them together and so crazy to see the age difference.  And yet... I can remember being young and taking Andrew to the park.  It’s all just going so fast.  I’m hoping Andrew gets an actual graduation at the end of April, but just know, if the school cancels it, Jordan and I will create a stage and the whole pomp and circumstance so he can walk across and know the weight of his accomplishment.  You raised incredible boys.

I’m having another baby - a girl!  We’re like the regular Brady brunch!  And Jordan and Jenna just had a GORGEOUS baby girl! I can’t believe these cousins will be so close in age, and hopefully, the best of friends.  Because of the pandemic, I couldn’t be at the hospital to wait or to meet her.  It killed me.  This sucks.  And the same will go for when our baby girl comes.. no one will be waiting or come to meet her.  And even then, it won’t be the same kind of introduction to her family.  Masks... gloves... hand sanitizer...  I can’t wait for this all to go away.

I’m lucky I have the second career in real estate.  The event industry has died.  You can’t have big parties and there are all sorts of restrictions.  It’s so sad.  It’s been 10.5 years of events by Tess and a growth of the company of 125% the year I had the girls and now - poof... large scale events are not allowed.  I’m hoping it changes ASAP.  I feel fortunate to help clients with smaller scale events but can’t wait for everything to be normal again.

Yesterday we (finally) got the announcement of our new president.  It’s a long story, but thank G-d!!  And, drumroll, we have a female Vice President!! Who is biracial!! And has a Jewish husband!!  Very exciting!!  We talk about politics a lot in our group text chat with the boys, and it’s very neat to watch them grow into their own thoughts and opinions and the ability to articulate where they’re coming from (even when I don’t agree).

Life feels in limbo right now.  We sold our house and are renovating a new one.  I’ve wanted to get your opinion on all of the design choices I’ve made and items I’ve purchased.  I’ve wanted to share this journey with you.  The day we closed on the new house, I cried.  It may sound strange to some, but not having you along for each of my large new milestones (and even for the mundane every day) makes it feel like it’s not complete/off in some way/not right... like you didn’t give me your blessing. The hole you’ve left doesn’t close.  It doesn’t get filled in or covered over.  You just learn to live with it there... and some days it feels like the wound is more open than others.  Some days, it’s not a tinge of pain, but instead a spark of joy.  Some songs just make me smile now instead of get choked up.  Always ‘pina colada’.  ‘Human’ by the killers is hit or miss depending on the day.  But you’re always around. In my heart and in my memories.  I just wish you were still here.

This is a rambly post to you.  But like I said, it’s been awhile, and 2020 has been a year...

I can’t wait to tell you about our baby girl.  I can’t wait to tell her about you.

I love you.

XO

Me

Glory of Love

Dear Kerr,

It’s been awhile.  Not for the lack of thinking of you... and I’m writing tonight not with updates.  I’m not in the mood for that.  I guess I haven’t been in awhile.  The stay-at-home order doesn’t have me in a generally perky look-at-all-of-the-amazing-things-happening mood.  I do keep thinking about how you’d be in quarantine, though.  Although you definitely went through things like this when you weren’t allowed to drive, I imagine this would feel even harder and you’d be pissed at the boys all the time for not cleaning or not trying your new recipes or saying ‘there’s no food in the house’ right after you’ve gone grocery shopping or for many other things  :O)  And I picture you desperate for a manicure.  Anyhoo... tonight I heard a song which made me think of you and smile with such warmth.  Sometimes there are songs that come on which are random.  They’re not ones I’d ever know to associate with you until I hear them.  Tonight, that song was ‘Glory of Love’ by Peter Cetera.  It started, and I instantly smiled imagining you smiling in a way that lit you up completely.  You’d sometimes hear certain songs, and it was like you were transported to your teenage years jamming out by your boom box or in the car... you’d start singing it when you heard it.  I loved when you’d just lose yourself for a moment with certain songs.  It’s amazing how music can move you.  I’m so grateful now for the memories music gives me.  I could really picture you tonight.  I could feel how fun those moments were when you’d just be happy and transported.  I like transporting now via your favorite music back to you.  I miss you.  I love you.

XO
Me
<3

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Happy Valentine’s Day, Kerr Bear!

I was up earlier than normal today.  I know I want to write to you, but I’m not totally sure where to start... here are some updates:
- I sent Andrew & Soph, Issac, & Allison a very cute Valentine’s goodie (have I told you about Allison yet?  She’s very sweet (and pretty), makes Issac (and the girls) very happy and has a lovely family!)
- a surprise for Simon will be delivered by mom today (I didn’t want him to get it too late in the day and I can only go this afternoon so I asked her to do me, yet another, favor and go this morning)
- I got cute books for Miles and Kwynnie
- I got the girls books and clothes and Mrs fields frosted cookies
We’ll go to Barnabys tonight for some yummy heart shape pizza
The traditions live on.  I haven’t gotten to your level yet, though.  My house is not filled with red and pink.  I love how you decorated!  My favorite was when Pinterest became a thing and that year you had the cutest hurricane vases filled with conversation hearts surrounding a pillar candle.  You nailed it.  You nailed Valentine’s Day.
What would you have done for the girls this year?  I imagine massive bows and headbands...?  We’d go out to lunch or dinner or would there be so many kids now you’d start to host a Valentine’s party?
I miss sending you flowers or cookie baskets.
Just know, if I could find a way to send you something now, it would be the greatest hug in the world.  I would trade in all of the hearts and flowers for another chance to hug you.
I miss you.  I love you.  And I’ll certainly be telling the girls today all about how their Aunt Kerry and mama loved Valentine’s Day (gotta train ‘EM young, right?).
The biggest XOs
Me