Golden Birthday

 Dear Kerr,

It’s Simon’s golden birthday.  As I type that, I can feel my heart race and sink, I absolutely hate having to think ‘he should be turning 21’.  No one SHOULD be turning that age… you should make it to that age.  Our world has been flipped upside down so many times … but if I let myself play the what-if game, if I let my mind pretend our world is right-side-up again, I think we’d be out of town this weekend.  I think we’d be in Vegas.  Maybe we’d have corny shirts again like at my messy-with-Tessi 21st Vegas bash.  You’d for sure plan 1 big dinner for everyone who came, and I think we’d decorate the heck out of a cabana.  I can see him being both embarrassed and also loving the big celebration… pool ladies with sparkling bottles, DJ shouting out Simon’s birthday, and all of us living our best lives with Simon, who for so long, was the baby nephew.  

How different would life be… if this was a TV show, a big cloud bubble would come over my head and we’d jump into an episode all about what it would be like if you and Allan and Uncle Aaron and Uncle Marlow and Simon were all still alive.  I’d add Bubby and Papa in there, but at this point, they’d be well into their hundreds :) I would’ve loved to have shown papa a smart phone, though, and get his takes on world news while Bubby cooks up a storm…

Writing to you allows my mind to wonder where it wants.  I try hard not to do that in my day-to-day.  It takes a lot of energy, but I have to do my best to be mindful of what I think about everyday.  It’s too hard to wonder what life would be like.  It would be better… sure, I can’t know what it would be, but having you all back would for sure be a scenario I’d love.  It can be exhausting, and hard, and distracting, but I try all day everyday not to think about how the girls were robbed of the best aunt and 1 of the 3 best big boy cousins, and a kick-ass super-fun full-of-advice brother in law.  

The bottom line is, I miss you all.  I feel like so many of these losses were out of my control, and while mental health can be too, I still feel keeping Simon alive was controllable.  One day, maybe, I’ll let that go.  Maybe it’s because I wish with every fiber of my being that he would’ve held on, that I feel and wish I could’ve changed it.  But for now, for today, I’ll let myself drift sometimes to that heavily decorated cabana, busy pool, loud music, good food, and incredible fun.

Thinking of being near you and Simon is both sweet and incredibly heartbreaking… there goes the fast-paced sinking heart feeling again…

I miss you.

I love you.

Happy summer solstice, Simon!

XOXO

Me

What would we be doing?

 Dear Kerr,

I think about writing you a lot.  I sometimes talk it out in my head, but putting the digital pen to paper feels harder than it used to.  And right now, I wonder so many things… can you really see this life?  And if so, do you have any ability to puppeteer it, per se?  I imagine, no.  But if you can see it all, then can you see the good and the bad?  That has to be hard to see the good and not be able to celebrate, but also just as hard to see the bad and not be able to help.

I feel blah.  I hate when I’m blah.  It’s a hard thing to shake.  The grey cloud that hovers … and you know the only clouds I like are the big bright white puffy ones.  Sometimes finding the joy through that cloud seems nearly impossible.  But I keep going.  It’ll shine.  It has to.

Tomorrow is my birthday, but you know that.  We’d have lunch.  Where would we go?  Here’s the thing, I could use some of that bright light to shine through.  If you can send me a sign (and maybe make it a birthday gift :-)  Just let me know you’re there.  That it’ll all be okay.

I love you.

I miss you.

Hug Simy for me.

X