Kerr,
How do I go on writing to you and not write to you both? How do I go on writing to you, period? What do I say? Do I go on with our usual updates?
I find myself saying, many times throughout the day, how is this all real? How is this true? And then my brain starts to replay it all - finding out, telling Lance, telling mom and dad, various phone calls, telling the girls, seeing him, giving a eulogy, the shiva, etc etc. My therapist and I discussed it’s possible my brain is just answering the question. It’s real because … [insert awful moment and memory].
Day in and out I still feel like I’m just going through the motions. I do because I should. I do because what else is there to do? I’m surviving but some days it just feels like wading through time.
But here are some of the updates - I used your china for Rosh Hashanah. As I put it away, I chuckled. I used to say I didn’t like the china you picked out. Almost the same way I used to tell mom I didn’t like her engagement ring. But I got a similar shape, and I designed a black and white modern home which perfectly matches your china dishes. I could feel you snickering at me :) The dinners were nice, even the services, but I miss your wit. My partner in crime.
I try to remember times when Simon and I were good. There were so many more years of good than bad - 15+, in fact, but it’s hard. But I remember holidays together precovid. He had so much pride carrying the girls. He was so happy around them. Kenna said she misses him. I wish they didn’t know such loss already. Their lists are so long.
And so I ask again, how is this all real?
I miss writing to you. I just don’t know what to say. I read this back and it sounds so pitiful…
I’ll write again soon.
I love you.
I miss you.
Give Simon and Allan hugs for me.
Send signs.
XO
me
