Kerr Bear,
I think this would’ve been your favorite Mother’s Day weekend yet. You would’ve been out of town watching your first born graduate college! Lots of restaurant reservations and celebrations. How perfect! I’m so proud of Andrew. I know you are, too.
I think I’ve realized why I don’t like Mother’s Day. So before you were gone, Mother’s Day was fine! While Bubby was alive, we went out?? Is that right? I think that was the one time of year Bubby liked eating out but after she passed, you’d host because mom didn’t like going out? Maybe I’m totally screwing this up here. Mom will have to tell me. We used to go to the bagel in Old Orchard, right? My memories suck but as I write this, some are coming back.
The thing is, I used to get really excited to celebrate YOU on Mother’s Day. Being an Aunt has always been one of my favorite things to be. Hands down. You knew that. Most people know that about me. I became an Aunt because of YOU! The best gift ever. So I loved getting you a card to thank you for being a great mama to my nephews.
Today is just another one of those big days you’re not here for. Another holiday I want to celebrate with you, but I can’t. It’s another day my grief feels bigger.
Also this year, I just don’t feel like I deserve Mother’s Day. Now let’s be honest, my 3 Mother’s Days have not been the pomp and circumstance that most expect. Mac tries but he hates Hallmark holidays so he buys what I say I want and generally hates the pressure to make this day special (and remember my first Mother’s Day bwahahahah). But truthfully, I feel like he deserves Mother’s Day & Father’s Day this year. I’ve been falling short as a mom. I’ve been so busy with work (yayy) and moody and impatient and it’s making me not the best mama. Mac picks up where I leave off, everyday. He’s the fun one. The one with extra patience and cuddles. Fishing, playing, make-believing etc etc etc. He’s a saint and the most incredible guy.
I am grateful to be a mom. So many today struggle because they are trying to become mamas or have lost babies and so much more. After much effort, we got the big girls and then Dakota. I’m so full of gratitude to have them. But today just doesn’t feel like the super happy day everyone believes Mother’s Day to be.
I know you’d get it.
I wish we were chatting about this while getting pedicures and drinking Starbucks.
I love you.
I miss you.
Happy Mother’s Day to the best mama.
XO
