Hi Kerr,
Do you remember Andrew’s 2nd birthday party? I’m sure you do. That morning I went with you to Deerfield’s Bakery to pick up the cake. I got sick in the car, but I wasn’t sick sick like with the flu... I was sad sick. Bubby had just died a month before and it felt so wrong to me that we were buying a cake and not going to have her triple layer insane yellow cake with chocolate filling and frosting. I was so sad it made me sick. I think I’m stronger now, mentally, so I’m fortunately not sick, but it’s a similar feeling ... it’s wrong that you’re not going to be here today. Every day is wrong without you. But these big milestones (or even the weird little ones like the girls first Valentine’s Day) feel extra wrong without you. Today is the girls’ first birthday party.
I’ve been wanting to write you over and over but haven’t. Then last night I was in the car. I had just dropped Simon off. On the way there, Chicago came on and I told him how Allan always quizzed me to make sure I knew when Chicago was singing. Once I dropped him off, “wind beneath my wings” came on. I started crying. Did I ever tell you you’re my hero, Kerry? You used to tell me that you were sad lance and Jordan and I were all out there with our own companies and we all had lived in apartments in the city and travelled and you didn’t. But ya know what Kerr, you started a life with the MOST meaning early on. You got to have Andrew and issac and Simon when you were young. You never regretted it for a second or wanted a different life, you just wished you had done some of what we did, but I always wanted to grow up and be you. Having the girls has shown me how much purpose and meaning each day can hold... you had that so early on! You were always my hero. A strong woman. An incredible mom. A heart of gold.
I want you to know the boys are great. I just started crying again at the thought of writing “issac is 18”. It breaks my heart that he’s 18. That kid has filled our life with so much happiness and humor and love and him being 18 means he’s going to go to college in the fall. (We don’t know where yet.). I seriously cannot imagine him away. I also feel like him being 18 means he doesn’t need me. That’s hard.
Andrew has such a good head on his shoulders. He has a job and is doing great at school and is just so well grounded. I wish he was home for the party but he deserves a fun break and is in Florida for spring break.
Simon is killing it in high school. I’m so proud of him! Bowling team, going out for football and fabulous grades. I get so excited to watch the girls with him. They light up around him; they love him so much.
I’ll miss you today, Kerr. And don’t worry... I got a 2 tier cake AND cupcakes because I was afraid we wouldn’t have enough dessert :)
XO
Me
