Good morning Kerr,
I’m awake because (1) BOTH girls went down without crying and didn’t need us to go back in once and have now BOTH been sleeping all night. I’m guessing someone will wake up once within the next 2 hours, but I just had to check the monitor and make sure they were okay. They’ve each slept thru the night a few times, but never the same night. We’re very lucky, though. They stay in their cribs 11 hours at night and when/if they do get up, they only need to be given a pacifier. Second reason I’m up is because the girls’ baby naming is today! Last night after they went down, Mac and I hopped into action! We went outside, setup the backyard, then went all around the house making sure it was in order and clutter free. I was then sitting on the couch thinking to myself ... wow - you’re pretty anxious for an event that’s not so big. I’ve coordinated out of town weddings for 200 people with 12 out of town vendors and the ceremony address kept a secret from the guests and I’ve been less anxious for that. Why am I so anxious for this? I do think a lot of it is anxious-excited. It’s such a special day for the girls and us as parents and the family. It’s sort of that first real moment I’m doing something super significant as a mom. Yes, I’ve given birth ... but since then, it’s felt funny to go to the dr and say “Kenna and Harley’s mom”. Like someone hasn’t stamped it into the official book yet. I’m a mom. I’m a mom?!? I’m a mom! To 2! It just hasn’t sunk in maybe... sounds strange but you do become one all of a sudden (and also 9 months in the making) and then boom - you’ve got a new title. So maybe today’s when in it sinks in. Mom Tessi. As if we’re not just entering the girls into the Jewish covenant but also me as this new person - mom Tessi.
But obviously, I’m also anxious for tomorrow because of you. You’re not coming. This is one of those days you’d be excited for and super helpful for. You would’ve had me get the full sheet cake and chocolate covered pretzels and Rice Krispie treats, too. You would’ve been here early to hold the girls as I setup or go put out the floral arrangements for me. (Mom will be here. Don’t worry.). You would’ve talked to the girls in a way I can imagine so crystal clear!! I can see it perfectly in my head. I’ll always want you around for the every-day, but it’s these bigger days when it hits. When that hole shows it’s ugly self reminding you something just doesn’t feel right... somethings just not complete. Like when you leave for the airport and feel like you’re forgetting something...
I just had to go in and give Harley her pacifier.
Are you trying to tell me something? Is it to stop writing to you right now? Just enjoy the day?
I will. And I’ll give them extra kisses from you.
I love you.
XO
