Hi Kerr,
I’ve been doing this whole pregnancy thing without you. I’ve thought about you the entire time, but because I was never pregnant while you were alive, I’ve just had more of a longing for you (like I do all the time) rather than reminiscent of what would be if you were here like it had been before. I just simply don’t know what it is to have you while I’m pregnant. Like I’ve said before, though, my friends have been an incredible force. It’s like they check in as you would constantly wanting to know how I’m doing.
I’ve been doing okay. When we found out we were pregnant I, of course, longed to tell you. At each shower, I longed to have you there. I tearfully look forward wishing I could have photos of you meeting these girls for the first time. I even think I would’ve tried to convince you to be our nanny... despite all of this, I’ve been doing okay. Maybe it’s because the boys are around and they always make my soul more complete or maybe it’s because Simon has named one of the girls and Issac the other (totally random & totally cool) so it’s like you have such a big part in their lives already, but I’m not as broken through this pregnancy without you as I thought I’d be. Writing that sounds bitchy - but it’s not the intent :) Thing is, though, it just got hard...
I had my doctor appointment last week Tuesday. I got to the weekly appointment marker. I was more dilated, further effaced and having frequent contractions so she had me go into the hospital for observation. Things progressed and now I’m here, seemingly, until these girls come. We’ve managed to stall the labor and are now at 34 weeks 1 day! Yay! I think we’ll meet these girls within 2 weeks, and that thought is really setting in. OMG!! I get to meet them so soon. How amazing. What’s hard is not having you here to keep me company every day. This is something that’s kind of happened before. I spent 10 days in the hospital and you were there every day (because I held you hostage), and I know you would’ve been here now. We keep asking “what would kerry have said” or “Kerry’s trying to tell me...”. Mac found the dime you sent when he bought dinner the other night. What were you telling him?
Bottom line - I just wish you were here. I wish you were holding my hand. I wish you were being pushy with the doctors. I wish you were going to shower these girls in a love no one else can match. I wish, I wish, I wish.
I’m closing my eyes now. Tight. Trying to feel your hug. Trying to smell your scent. Trying to have you here. I’m lucky I really did know you so well - I think I know what you’d tell me. I’ll try to listen <3
XO
Me
