Hi Kerr,
Again, it's been awhile since I've written. And, again, it's not for the lack of wanting to. I thought things were busy before, but I don't think I knew what busy really was and... that's going to take on an entirely new definition, again, come spring. Mac and I are pregnant! With twins! I wish I knew what your reaction would've been... questioning me (like mom) "no? You're kidding..." or just non stop laughter or tears?! The best part is, your "aunt status" would've skyrocketed! Lance & Erin and Jordan & Jenna are having babies, too!!
Now, none of us have had babies and had you in our lives at the same time, but it's the one thing I really, truly, wish I had... you. Your insight, your reminders that you didn't know what you were doing when you had andrew and look at him now - he's a big thriving boy, your laughter, your love, your being in the delivery room (so long as you'd gotten past the fainting around medical stuff thing)... I miss you. I miss everything you brought to my life and everything you would've brought to it now. You would've been the best aunt ever. Hands down. No questions. (Even better than me hahahahahahah)
A few years ago, we were once talking about when I'd have babies, and I said well... you better hope I'm not pregnant at Simon's Bar Mitzvah. You asked why? And I said well... if it's too far along, I might not be so fabulous at getting his party together. Well... I think you had a hand in the timing. It took us 10 months to get pregnant, and of course, not without its complications but I seemed to have magically found out I was pregnant the week we started taking care of the boys and just a couple weeks before Simons bar mitzvah. His party rocked! But man oh man was I sick and tired :)
Do you also remember when I was little - somewhere between 10 and 16 - for some reason we were talking about maternity clothes. You told me that some day when I was pregnant I'd get to go shopping at pea in the pod because it's a store meant for people who were sticks before they got pregnant and I'm a skinny bitch... well despite my MAJOR anxiety over maternity clothes shopping, I went into pea in the pod and their stuff is super cute (and super expensive). The lady was showing me pants and said they ran from XS to XL but really just to large. I couldn't help but giggle... you were right. Skinny bitches. The pants fit pretty cute but I didn't get them. I promise, though, I'll get one thing from pea in the pod just to make you happy (and pissed).
My anxiety around shopping for clothes has been insane - yeah, I know... me.. the girl who never gets anxious about shopping. But it was. Ilyssa took me, though, to go shopping. She's been incredible. Since you died, we talk all the time. She's always just checking in. And since I got pregnant, she checks in every day. She knows what to say just like you... I vent about something and the response is spot on. Someone rear ends me (yup, my first car accident) and she tells me it'll all be okay but just see my dr to feel better. She's become my sister and it's been so comforting.
There's so much more I could tell you... Simon's bar mitzvah was insane. He did so well and is so poised. His speeches, haftorah, Torah, etc was all done with such confidence. Andrew is doing amazing at the university of Louisville - he's running to be on the board of his fraternity and getting great grades and happy and healthy. Issac is my little angel always being helpful and honest and respectful and funny and gearing up for ACT/SAT time. It's true that they grow up so fast...
I religiously watch this new show I think you'd LOVE! It's called "this is us". Last week's episode showed a character being present to watch her first grandchild come into the world, but she wished her husband would've been there. She said something that really rang true:
"And that's just something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. The happiest moments will also be a little sad."
It's true... time makes life without you "the norm". Life goes on and we go on and it becomes the reality that you're not going on with us, but the other truth is that I'll never stop wanting for you to be here. To be a part of everything special and even everything hard.
My babies will know you. They'll know their aunt. They'll know your love.
I love you
XO
Sunday, November 5, 2017
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Now and Forever
Hi Kerr Bear,
It's been a few months since I've written but not due to any lack of wanting to. Maybe I've started to believe you can see what's going on around here... or maybe it's just been busy ... but it's Mother's Day & I want to tell you about your boys.
Andrew went to prom last night!!! Prom! Andrew! He's 18.5 this week!!! He looked so handsome!!! I think he looks just like Allan. You would've been taking so many pictures!!! Issac and Simon looked nice and came with so we got good ones of the 3 of them. And Soph looked out of this world stunning. It's funny but I think she's a lot like you. She has the biggest heart, she's beautiful, and she has such confidence in how she carries herself. I love them together and loved seeing them off to prom. Earlier this week was varsity night for baseball. It was such an honor for andrew to ask me to walk him out to the field. I love that kid ❤️ He's just so kind and sweet and passionate and caring and when he smiles, he looks even more like Allan. Oh how I miss you both.
Issac keeps getting taller and bigger!! He's becoming such a man, too! Can you believe we'll go for his drivers license in a few weeks?! I just can't believe how quickly time is moving and how old they're getting. I feel like I was just going through ACT stuff with andrew and then college visits, but now Issac will be doing the same thing this coming year. Crazy. I worry about him, though. He's so smart and empathetic and truly wants to make everyone he cares about happy, but I want him to focus on his own happiness too. He's still so funny. Gosh - I just remember how he could always make you laugh.
Simon and I are doing well!! I feel like we got even closer this week. We keep making strides. It's hard... I'm sure it feels like I'm trying to replace you, but I never would want to. I never could, either. I just want so badly to help him. He's still so young but yet had so much life handed to him already. His bar mitzvah invitations went out last week. They say Simon Howie. Yup - not his name. (Even though that's what I told you I wanted... although, a different spelling - HOWWE). He decided he doesn't like Howard but likes Howie better. When I told him I didn't like the idea of putting a different name on the invitation than the one you and Allan gave him and that I thought you'd be upset,, he said he gets that but he would've worked you over eventually... that statement worked me over :) Simon Howie it is. I have his montage appointment in a month. I'll go to the house soon and get all of your well organized photo albums to start looking through. I don't think I'm going to use this song in the montage, but I keep coming back to "now and forever" by Carole king. The words just seem to ring true...
"We had a moment
Just one moment
That will last beyond a dream, beyond a lifetime
We are the lucky ones
Some people never get to do
All we got to do
Now and forever
I will always be with you"
You will always be with Simon. It's a fitting song, but I also connect with it.
I try to listen to those words and appreciate what we did have. Our bond was greater than what so many people share with their siblings or friends.
We just clicked.
We just for each other.
Oh how I miss you.
"I miss the tears
I miss the laughter
I miss the day we met and all that followed ever"
Today is your day. It's Mother's Day. And although you are not here, you live on in those boys. (But seriously, you do... andrew made Bub feel like crap about how she made you buy your own jeans!! It was great! He told the story just like you used to)
You are still the greatest mother ever. Every day they live just as you raised them to - they're good boys and it's because of you. So just like I used to write in the card I gave you every year on Mother's Day, "thanks for being the best mom for my nephews!"
Xoxo
"Now and forever
You are apart of me"
It's been a few months since I've written but not due to any lack of wanting to. Maybe I've started to believe you can see what's going on around here... or maybe it's just been busy ... but it's Mother's Day & I want to tell you about your boys.
Andrew went to prom last night!!! Prom! Andrew! He's 18.5 this week!!! He looked so handsome!!! I think he looks just like Allan. You would've been taking so many pictures!!! Issac and Simon looked nice and came with so we got good ones of the 3 of them. And Soph looked out of this world stunning. It's funny but I think she's a lot like you. She has the biggest heart, she's beautiful, and she has such confidence in how she carries herself. I love them together and loved seeing them off to prom. Earlier this week was varsity night for baseball. It was such an honor for andrew to ask me to walk him out to the field. I love that kid ❤️ He's just so kind and sweet and passionate and caring and when he smiles, he looks even more like Allan. Oh how I miss you both.
Issac keeps getting taller and bigger!! He's becoming such a man, too! Can you believe we'll go for his drivers license in a few weeks?! I just can't believe how quickly time is moving and how old they're getting. I feel like I was just going through ACT stuff with andrew and then college visits, but now Issac will be doing the same thing this coming year. Crazy. I worry about him, though. He's so smart and empathetic and truly wants to make everyone he cares about happy, but I want him to focus on his own happiness too. He's still so funny. Gosh - I just remember how he could always make you laugh.
Simon and I are doing well!! I feel like we got even closer this week. We keep making strides. It's hard... I'm sure it feels like I'm trying to replace you, but I never would want to. I never could, either. I just want so badly to help him. He's still so young but yet had so much life handed to him already. His bar mitzvah invitations went out last week. They say Simon Howie. Yup - not his name. (Even though that's what I told you I wanted... although, a different spelling - HOWWE). He decided he doesn't like Howard but likes Howie better. When I told him I didn't like the idea of putting a different name on the invitation than the one you and Allan gave him and that I thought you'd be upset,, he said he gets that but he would've worked you over eventually... that statement worked me over :) Simon Howie it is. I have his montage appointment in a month. I'll go to the house soon and get all of your well organized photo albums to start looking through. I don't think I'm going to use this song in the montage, but I keep coming back to "now and forever" by Carole king. The words just seem to ring true...
"We had a moment
Just one moment
That will last beyond a dream, beyond a lifetime
We are the lucky ones
Some people never get to do
All we got to do
Now and forever
I will always be with you"
You will always be with Simon. It's a fitting song, but I also connect with it.
I try to listen to those words and appreciate what we did have. Our bond was greater than what so many people share with their siblings or friends.
We just clicked.
We just for each other.
Oh how I miss you.
"I miss the tears
I miss the laughter
I miss the day we met and all that followed ever"
Today is your day. It's Mother's Day. And although you are not here, you live on in those boys. (But seriously, you do... andrew made Bub feel like crap about how she made you buy your own jeans!! It was great! He told the story just like you used to)
You are still the greatest mother ever. Every day they live just as you raised them to - they're good boys and it's because of you. So just like I used to write in the card I gave you every year on Mother's Day, "thanks for being the best mom for my nephews!"
Xoxo
"Now and forever
You are apart of me"
Monday, January 2, 2017
Happy 41st birthday, Kerr ❤
Happy birthday, KerrBear!
You should be 41 today. 41... it sounds old. I've been teasing Jordan because he's 31 and that sounds old. The number after hitting that "big" year actually sounds sooo much older to me. It's been fun to tease Jordan that he's now soooo old. It makes me sad that I can't tease you, too. So many people try to avoid growing old by covering up wrinkles or what not but I think growing old is such a prrivledge. It means you've lived and loved another day. It means you had another day of creating memories and moments with friends and family. You should be growing old with us.
It's 2017. I felt sad as the clock struck midnight. Another new year. Another year without new memories with you.
Big things in 2017:
- Zion's bar mitzvah is this month! I have this feeling that he's going to just blow us away and be the most amazing shining star on the bimah. Jordan and I have planned a great party - you'd love it. Very relaxed and tons of fun. Zion looks so much like steve as he's getting older, but still has Micki's eyes. He's really becoming a young man.
- Simons bar mitzvah is this year! It will be hard. A boy should have his parents at his bar mitzvah. Period. He will have a LOT of love, though. I hope for him they'll be a moment ... a moment when he's on the bimah that he can feel your presence and Allan's presence. I haven't been one with deep faith lately, but I do hope and pray that Simon gets a sense of your pride and joy that day. I know you'd be so proud of your baby boy.
- issac turns 16! What a big year! The funny thing is, it's not hard to believe. Issac looks like such a man!!! I looked at a pic of him from NYE and thought, woah! He's such a man!! He is so tall and not skinny issac anymore ... he is big and muscular now like andrew. He'll be going into his junior year this fall. I'm now a pro on ACTs and college visits so we're good! :)
- andrew goes to college this year. Drumroll..... he's going to be a cardinal at the university of Louisville! I'm so so so proud of him! He has really done so well at GBN and did so well on his ACTs. He's focused himself academically, socially, and professionally and is excelling in all categories. He got into all 4 colleges he applied to and took his decision seriously. Dropping him off at school is going to be so hard!!!!!! I'm so glad he's just an easy drive away. You raised such a good boy.
We're going to the cemetery today to visit the plaque. The boys joked we should bring balloons like when you went for Allan's birthday. I like that they have the same sense of humor we did. Simon asked if we could go today. Today will be the third day this week I get to see Simon and I'm so excited. Any day I see the boys, I feel better. They've always had my heart, but since you passed, they hold my heart together. On days when I see Simon and we get along well, it's like I have a skip in my step. I'm not always his favorite person so when we get along, it means so much to me.
I miss you, Kerr. I miss you every day. I miss you all day.
Happy birthday. I want to believe you can see this blog. I want to believe you're well. I want to believe you're celebrating with the fam up there.
xo
Me
You should be 41 today. 41... it sounds old. I've been teasing Jordan because he's 31 and that sounds old. The number after hitting that "big" year actually sounds sooo much older to me. It's been fun to tease Jordan that he's now soooo old. It makes me sad that I can't tease you, too. So many people try to avoid growing old by covering up wrinkles or what not but I think growing old is such a prrivledge. It means you've lived and loved another day. It means you had another day of creating memories and moments with friends and family. You should be growing old with us.
It's 2017. I felt sad as the clock struck midnight. Another new year. Another year without new memories with you.
Big things in 2017:
- Zion's bar mitzvah is this month! I have this feeling that he's going to just blow us away and be the most amazing shining star on the bimah. Jordan and I have planned a great party - you'd love it. Very relaxed and tons of fun. Zion looks so much like steve as he's getting older, but still has Micki's eyes. He's really becoming a young man.
- Simons bar mitzvah is this year! It will be hard. A boy should have his parents at his bar mitzvah. Period. He will have a LOT of love, though. I hope for him they'll be a moment ... a moment when he's on the bimah that he can feel your presence and Allan's presence. I haven't been one with deep faith lately, but I do hope and pray that Simon gets a sense of your pride and joy that day. I know you'd be so proud of your baby boy.
- issac turns 16! What a big year! The funny thing is, it's not hard to believe. Issac looks like such a man!!! I looked at a pic of him from NYE and thought, woah! He's such a man!! He is so tall and not skinny issac anymore ... he is big and muscular now like andrew. He'll be going into his junior year this fall. I'm now a pro on ACTs and college visits so we're good! :)
- andrew goes to college this year. Drumroll..... he's going to be a cardinal at the university of Louisville! I'm so so so proud of him! He has really done so well at GBN and did so well on his ACTs. He's focused himself academically, socially, and professionally and is excelling in all categories. He got into all 4 colleges he applied to and took his decision seriously. Dropping him off at school is going to be so hard!!!!!! I'm so glad he's just an easy drive away. You raised such a good boy.
We're going to the cemetery today to visit the plaque. The boys joked we should bring balloons like when you went for Allan's birthday. I like that they have the same sense of humor we did. Simon asked if we could go today. Today will be the third day this week I get to see Simon and I'm so excited. Any day I see the boys, I feel better. They've always had my heart, but since you passed, they hold my heart together. On days when I see Simon and we get along well, it's like I have a skip in my step. I'm not always his favorite person so when we get along, it means so much to me.
I miss you, Kerr. I miss you every day. I miss you all day.
Happy birthday. I want to believe you can see this blog. I want to believe you're well. I want to believe you're celebrating with the fam up there.
xo
Me
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