Dear Kerr,
Today blows. It's cold and rainy. First of all, you know I love fall weather - boots, jeans. Not that I shopped the anniversary sale this year (yeah - I know ... I can't believe it either. I timed the wedding poorly lol). But it's rainy and cold and we had a shit summer ... too short. So I'm not at all excited about this weather. I can feel my seasonal depression kicking in, too. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning or go to the gym but I sure as shit want to eat. Normally, I'd text you saying today sucks and you'd text back saying you agree. I miss having someone to bitch to without them trying to make me feel sunny and happy.
The urge to text you is lessening. The need for you in my life is not, but I guess since it's been 10+ months of not texting you, my body is losing its muscle memory ..? I did think to text you a few days ago though ... I wanted to make fun of mom and dad for being in a trivia group and I knew you'd make fun of them with me (I did talk to Mac that night, though, about joining one too so clearly it was me being jealous ha!) I also heard the pina colada song ... makes me smile every time. I like that certain memories are making me smile.
That's it for now. Just wanted to tell you the day is gloomy and sucky.
xo
missing you
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
When in Rome
Hey Kerr,
We got back from our honeymoon on Sunday. It was nice to have yesterday to acclimate while both of us were still off from work. It was great to see the boys. We did our fantasy football draft at moms.
I thought about you so much on the honeymoon. I think about you all the time, but there were triggers. I thought maybe there were just triggers in Rome because last I'd been there, it was with you, but I thought about you at every turn.
For starters, this trip was so easy! We didn't buy any train tickets in advance, rode standard class and had air conditioning, and I laughed thinking you saying "of course it was easy for you". I retold mac the stories about the train stations, taxi drivers, airport craziness, bad weather but did so with a laugh and a smile. I said to him "all good memories. that's good, right?". You're only a memory now, but we had incredible memories. I'm grateful for the smiles it gives me to recall them.
We had the most incredible profiteroles in Capri. "I don't want them in a box! I want them now!" I showed Mac the Westin Excelsior and walked through the lobby in such disbelief, sort of numb, and I told Mac it felt strange that I was there with you 5 years prior and never could've guessed I'd walk in 5 years later and you'd be dead. I explained to Mac that I still think it's so shocking because I thought you were invincible. After Allan died, I think something inside of me just figured nothing would happen to you. All would be okay. Because, surely, something so shitty wouldn't strike twice.
Traveling Rome & Florence made me think of our Baltic Seas cruise. How great is it that we had just taken that trip 2 years ago. Again, such memories!
The plane ride home showed 3 movies. One of which was "we bought a zoo". I love that movie! This time, I teared up through it and my mind wondered. There were so many lines from the movie which rang true ... "I'm sorry your childhood had to end so early, kid" "Am I doing this right" "Am I giving them a good life" etc. I want the boys to do well in school, have friends, get into college, do well there, get jobs, get married, have children, have their own explorations... I want nothing more than their happiness. I worry all of the time about bad crowds of friends, drugs, drinking, poor academics, bad life choices... I'm sure parents all over the world think about their parenting... are they doing right by their children? will their children continue on good paths? but these parents are there to worry about this. The boys have experienced loss like none other and i worry and hope the pain and struggle and loss will create strength in each of them to have better lives and be better people. the son in the movie struggle through school and with his anger and his communication and it made me think the entire rest of the plane ride home about my dreams for the boys and how I hope their pain and loss does not negatively effect the progress in their lives.
I woke up today completely depressed. Waking up in Italy, with my husband, away from the struggles of every day life is a lot easier. My married life is great. I am obsessed with Leo. Work gives me happiness. I do wish I saw my friends more. But my heart is not the same without you in it. I woke up today to return to normal life and its my new-normal life of day-in and day-out without you and what it means to not have you is hard. Returning from a dream vacation to come back to what it means not having you is hard to wake up to.
I miss you.
xo
We got back from our honeymoon on Sunday. It was nice to have yesterday to acclimate while both of us were still off from work. It was great to see the boys. We did our fantasy football draft at moms.
I thought about you so much on the honeymoon. I think about you all the time, but there were triggers. I thought maybe there were just triggers in Rome because last I'd been there, it was with you, but I thought about you at every turn.
For starters, this trip was so easy! We didn't buy any train tickets in advance, rode standard class and had air conditioning, and I laughed thinking you saying "of course it was easy for you". I retold mac the stories about the train stations, taxi drivers, airport craziness, bad weather but did so with a laugh and a smile. I said to him "all good memories. that's good, right?". You're only a memory now, but we had incredible memories. I'm grateful for the smiles it gives me to recall them.
We had the most incredible profiteroles in Capri. "I don't want them in a box! I want them now!" I showed Mac the Westin Excelsior and walked through the lobby in such disbelief, sort of numb, and I told Mac it felt strange that I was there with you 5 years prior and never could've guessed I'd walk in 5 years later and you'd be dead. I explained to Mac that I still think it's so shocking because I thought you were invincible. After Allan died, I think something inside of me just figured nothing would happen to you. All would be okay. Because, surely, something so shitty wouldn't strike twice.
Traveling Rome & Florence made me think of our Baltic Seas cruise. How great is it that we had just taken that trip 2 years ago. Again, such memories!
The plane ride home showed 3 movies. One of which was "we bought a zoo". I love that movie! This time, I teared up through it and my mind wondered. There were so many lines from the movie which rang true ... "I'm sorry your childhood had to end so early, kid" "Am I doing this right" "Am I giving them a good life" etc. I want the boys to do well in school, have friends, get into college, do well there, get jobs, get married, have children, have their own explorations... I want nothing more than their happiness. I worry all of the time about bad crowds of friends, drugs, drinking, poor academics, bad life choices... I'm sure parents all over the world think about their parenting... are they doing right by their children? will their children continue on good paths? but these parents are there to worry about this. The boys have experienced loss like none other and i worry and hope the pain and struggle and loss will create strength in each of them to have better lives and be better people. the son in the movie struggle through school and with his anger and his communication and it made me think the entire rest of the plane ride home about my dreams for the boys and how I hope their pain and loss does not negatively effect the progress in their lives.
I woke up today completely depressed. Waking up in Italy, with my husband, away from the struggles of every day life is a lot easier. My married life is great. I am obsessed with Leo. Work gives me happiness. I do wish I saw my friends more. But my heart is not the same without you in it. I woke up today to return to normal life and its my new-normal life of day-in and day-out without you and what it means to not have you is hard. Returning from a dream vacation to come back to what it means not having you is hard to wake up to.
I miss you.
xo
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